SM34's Post

[SM34]

Wife didn't go to visit OM last night when it is her usual time (sunday night). She was so excited that our daughter is starting her new program at the local elementary school that she wasn't able to sleep.

This morning we took D3 together to her new school and to meet the teachers and the other kids. Its an awesome program and the teacher is pasionate about her career and is on top of things. I'm so glad that D3 will finally be I'm the environment she needs to really excel.

On the way back to the car, we chatted about how proud we are of our daughter. She made new friends in a matter of minutes and everyone seemed to like her very much. Especially one little boy, but we are used to that now...she is absolutely gorgeous! She's a mix white and middle eastern and has the darkest longest eye lashes you'll ever see in your life. Looks like she has makeup on lol. Love my baby.

I put my arm around W a we walked and she put her arm around me. She seemed to be squeezing a little hard and kind of had her head on my shoulder a little as we walked. We did this for probably 30 seconds before I pulled away. Its the most physical contact we've had in months but I think ill be working in more touch now. I have no idea what's going on with OM but she's into the third week now without seeing him.

He's also not commenting or liking her posts in FB and I know that's huge for W. She gauges how much people care about her by how much they pay attention to her posts. Part of that low self esteem thing again.

So where do I go from here? Pull back? Show more affection?

This could be a time she is receptive to touch. In the past, she has been most receptive when its been the longest without contact with OM. Makes sense since there is a detox period.

[MrBond]

" So telling her that we can do this or that whenever she drops the loser, seems like I'm back tracking at this point... or am I wrong?"

You're wrong. You're not saying that you are pursuing her. You are telling her what you won't tolerate as a man.

"Its tricky when you act like you are moving on, and its been a year already. Do you continue to say 'as long as you are with OM then....' or does that imply you are waiting."

Rather than overanalyzing everything again, the only thing you HAVEN'T done is actually confront your W. You spend more time arguing against it than actually doing something about it.

"Then again, if there is no one else you are seeing, doesn t that scream 'I'm waiting' louder than saying it?"

No. Why do you feel that you can't show you're not putting her at the center of your universe any more if you're not seeing someone?

"I hate these cat and mouse games!"

You're the one who has turned it into a game. She's just doing what she feels is right. You see everything as strategy or something that can be figured out.

"Read an article today about mismatches in relationships..

Basically it said that allowing your wife to contribute less in the form or work and money and child care than you, gives her the chance to begin to feel like she is above you.... and that YOU are lucky to have HER instead of the other way around. She begins to disrespect you and $hit tests increase, and as the husband fails ever time, attraction goes out the window.

Then she feels she is ENTITLED to another man friend.

The author calls it the Good Husband Trap.

After providing for her from way back in our college days, I feel I fell into this trap too."

Yet again you look at another theory about why things are the way they are. Bottom line is that you can read every book in the world about relationships and they still won't get your W to come back. THAT is up to her.

While she is home, start initiating communication and physical touch. See what happens. If it produces a positive reaction, then do more of it.

[SM34]

I initiated a sideways hug today while we were walking. She reciprocated but it felt like she was squeezing me hard to where it was hard to walk next to her without us stepping on each other. I think that was positive so ill try some light stuff here and there and report back.

Mrbond you are right, the theories won't get her back. They are more helpful to understand BEFORE the breakup, to be able tp have a healthy marriage.

She just called me (very unusual because usually we text) about how D3 did at school and what to do tonight, what to eat, what should she make for dinner etc. Kind of married people convo. Confusion.

I'm going to roll with it and see. Perhaps, just maybe, the affair is fading.... its right around the one year so...maybe? Who knows.

[SM34]

Wow, okay. One hour at home and it was clear that although W is in a good mood towards me, there is someone on the other end of phone text messaging that is irritating the cr@p out of her! Lots of sighing amd huffing and puffing.

I gave an excuse that I left something at the office and left for a small drive around the block. Picking up dinner also. The atmosphere could be cut with a knife.

[adinva]

SM, not that it has anything to do with your sitch, or maybe it does, but I just have to ask you why you would go out of your way to tell a lie when the truth was equally minor and easy to speak?

Why not tell her you were going out for a drive, or going out to pick up dinner?

If you did leave something at the office, I apologize. I'm just shocked when I occasionally run across someone with a loose enough grasp on truth that when it seems easier or emotions are high, they lie.

[SM34]

No I had actually left something at the office, just didnt really need to go and get it right then. But I see your point. I am not one to lie and I'm always honest about where and what I'm doing...

Infact, I am perhaps too honest!! I mean for DBing i have a hard time being mysterious because I'm too forth coming with my whereabouts.

[AnotherStander]

I put my arm around W a we walked and she put her arm around me. She seemed to be squeezing a little hard and kind of had her head on my shoulder a little as we walked. We did this for probably 30 seconds before I pulled away. Its the most physical contact we've had in months but I think ill be working in more touch now.

Boy I read your posts and it seems like the same old song and dance from months ago. "I did X and I think it worked, so now what I need to do is more of X." I'm not saying you shouldn't work in some physical contact, but DROP THE EXPECTATIONS and STOP the CONTROLLING and MANIPULATING!!!! Every time you have some interaction like this with your W I sense that you're watching her like a bug pinned under a microscope to see how she reacts. Physical contact needs to be natural and done almost without thought for her to be receptive to it.

I have no idea what's going on with OM

And that's where you should have stopped, because this...

He's also not commenting or liking her posts in FB and I know that's huge for W. She gauges how much people care about her by how much they pay attention to her posts. Part of that low self esteem thing again.

... is complete mind-reading and "more of the same" behavior for you. You've always had this attitude that you have her totally figured out. But you don't. And you never will. So quit trying.

So where do I go from here? Pull back? Show more affection?

Well if you hugged her and she was receptive to it, why would you pull back? DB'ing is about continuing to do what works. But don't go overboard either. A hug from the side like you described is not really affection, so I don't think this calls for showing "more affection" either. Just keep giving her time and space and give her a hug now and then if she's open to it.

This could be a time she is receptive to touch. In the past, she has been most receptive when its been the longest without contact with OM. Makes sense since there is a detox period.

If we gave out gold stars for mind-reading your signature would be plastered with them, LOL! It's been so long that you've been engaging in the same old behavior that I'm starting to think maybe you really can't change. So there's your challenge- prove me wrong.

[SM34]

AS, thank you for visiting my thread. Good to have you

I really haven't been doing more of the same. For the past about 4 months I've been staying out of her way and out of her physical space. I've just now picked up again on the test and check, affection stuff.

Or do you mean that I was mind reading again on OM? I might be. Actually probably. But again, I haven't been giving that any thought for months.

I've been focused on some things I want to change about my life style. Mostly energy level. I find that I'm not as energetic as I could or should be at my age.

It affects my effectiveness at running a business, playing with D3, exercising and just about every aspect of my life really.

I'm still trying to fix it but I don't seem to do as well as I would like. I find I feel run down most of the time and don't feel so refreshed when I wake up.

Its something I really want to fix, for myself.

[SM34]

Also when I put my arm arund her it really wasn't a tactic or forced. I truely was having a sentimental moment with the mother of my child. I didn't really think of what just happened until afterwards because I was lost in the moment.

It was genuine and from the heart with no expectations. It was proud papa joining proud mama in a moment of closeness for having made such a beautiful, confident, loving and friendly child. It waa truly an awesome moment in my life so far.

[SM34]

So W did end up going to OM. She made it to just over 3 weeks.

What were the positives in my sitch again?