Yes, BF. I could have just stopped texting earlier than I did. He was mad that we don't have the money to pay his ticket. He waited until the deadline is tomorrow to worry about it. Then, he started blaming me for us not having money (is NOT my fault...He takes his paycheck and blows it while I pay for everything).
So, I got defensive. I asked him where his paycheck from Friday went...and it set him off.
It is so hard sometimes to just let him blame me for everything with our finances, when he blows his check all the time. But, it would have been better for me to let it go.
Angela, I'm so sorry he was angry about the ticket and the fact that he didn't have money to pay it, but you shouldn't take the blame for this. He knew he got the ticket and he knew it had to be paid. It was his responsibility to ensure it was paid before the deadline. He has to learn to face the consequences of his actions and grow up. You can't be the one to rescue him all of the time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with job, don't think you blew it because you asked where the money is going. He needs to step up and be a responsible man. He is totally out of line. He does need to grow up a bit.
I'm thinking maybe start a written out budget and leave it out so he can see where all the money you get goes. I'm sure you are not frivolous with all them chillen's.
I honestly don't think with the way he is right now that there isn't much that would set him off. I'm sorry you have to bear the brunt of that. You really are doing well, and I definitely think you should do this more for yourself, since he cannot be trusted with anything emotional.
Keep posting to us, you have lots of love and support here.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Angela, I agree, there is nothing you could have done in this situation. I just asked if you could stop the texting because I didn’t know the details. I think this is expected as a typical MLC cycle. There will be some good and calm times and there will be times when he goes off the rail for whatever reason that you cannot control.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Pud, that is an excellent idea about a written-out budget showing where all my paycheck goes…as much for me, as for H. I KNOW I pay for 90% or more of everything currently and am super careful with our money because I cannot depend on him at all, right now. So, this will help me keep everything in perspective when he is blaming everything on me.
And, PM, I AGREE….texting and Facebook are NOT good! LOL. I am really good about staying off FB. I just pretend like H does NOT exist online….but I still get sucked into the texting thing sometimes.
So, H decided to "get even" with me (or whatever) after our texting fight about his ticket yesterday.
He didn't come home to see the kids before work...and stayed in town to watch football...and I just ignored him and his petty behavior.
After he got to work, he texted several times to give me updates on the weather and the upcoming playoff game on Saturday....and I just went on my merry little way. I thanked him for the updates one time and that was it.
This morning, he texted "Good Morning" and tried to engage me in more texting. I replied with a good morning and that was it.
I am working on not letting his moods affect me...AT ALL. It is so hard to not be affected by him...but it helps to really FINALLY realize that he acts like a little kid or a teenager who isn't getting his way.
I have a teen...and almost another one...and I've pretty much raised all four kids by myself...so I KNOW how to deal with tantrums from little kids and teens. I got this! LOL.
Don't you just love those "Good morning" texts after a bad day? I sometimes wonder if they even remember what happened. My h has done this ... get in an internet fight then text next morning with a "good morning and hope you slept well" message. My reaction is WTF??
Hang in there and go back to the basics. We all slide backwards, but pick up where we left off and keep moving forward.
My C referred to my H as a 3 year old throwing a tantrum. When he goes off, I remember that and it is much easier to deal with him.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
I didn't see H Tuesday due to my staying late at school basketball games. I didn't really want to see him anyway after his behavior and ugly attitude on Monday evening. I enjoyed the BB games and it was good to be on my own for the evening.
Yesterday, we made supper together and hung out before he went to work. He called me on his way to work and while we were talking I heard a buzzing sound. Without thinking first, I said some catty remark about it being his second phone. He got upset at the comment but we continued with the convo.
Then, later, he texted me and was really upset about the "second phone" comment from me. He said he told me weeks ago, after the "picture" on the phone incident, that he didn't have a second phone anymore.
To be fair, I haven't seen a second phone again. He leaves his regular phone unlocked now. He doesn't hide it from me when he's texting people or doing FB. But, I am having a hard time just trusting that he doesn't have a second phone anymore. Ya know?
H texted me: "We keep fighting and your catty remarks keep sidelining us starting over. It doesn't seem like you are moving forward."
So, we texted about this for a bit, but the convo started going in a negative direction so we agreed to talk about it some other time.
(Sidenote...I did tell him that I didn't feel like we're fighting. I thought we were discussing things and working through them...but that I understood that he feels like it's fighting. This part of convo made me sad because I thought we were doing pretty good the past 10-12 days...)
Now, today, he seems to be ignoring me so I'm keeping my distance, too.
So, where is that line between me needing him to be honest but thinking that he probably isn't....and me needing to stop with the comments about stuff I "think" he's hiding?
Ok, honestly, I think I know the answer here.
It's just so hard for me to STFU about a second phone, about his bags still packed at his friend's house, etc. I don't want to be made a fool....so I insecurely bring stuff up sometimes. And it ALWAYS ticks him off. So, why do I do that? Why can't I just keep my mouth shut?
It won't change anything whether I bring it up or not...so I should just STFU? Right????
Only talk about positive, pleasant things right now...and if I don't have anything nice to say...just don't say anything?
job started a thread about our imaginations and fears...and I am wondering if this is one of those things for me. I am imagining that H is doing all kinds of things behind my back....and I'm imagining what a fool I must be....without any proof right now that he is doing any of those things.
Sometimes, I find myself in a bad mood about things I "think" H might be doing or about imagined scenarios in my head that haven't even happened! ARGH!
Am I sabotaging my own happiness...and the possible reconciliation of my R with my H because I'm giving in to my fears of being hurt again?
Angela, I think it's probably really normal and understandable that you are afraid of being hurt again... but think of it this way. If you DON'T open yourself up to really trying again with your H, aren't you possibly just hurting yourself and your kids in another way?
Part of the thing that makes "us", the LBS appealing is that we are supposed to be the confident one, we are the one who has hope that things will work out in the end, we are the one guiding the WAS back toward home. Give yourself the gift of PMA. He is making an effort. That's what you wanted. You know it's not going to be easy, but you DO want to give your R the best chance you can at regrowth, right?
Don't let "what might happen" keep you from being able to accept and appreciate the things he IS doing right now. Don't let doubt and fear drown out your hope.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
