It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[melissag]

F4, I think that you have been told this a million times, but it bears repeating - stop focusing on your W. You are still doing WAY too much mind reading, looking into your crystal ball to predict what the future holds, and dare I say, trying to control your W (I'm referring to the thought that you should post a song on her FB page, as if that is going to change her mind.)

I'm in an interesting situation right now because my parents are driving me insane, and honestly I am pretty mad at them at the moment, and I just want them to live their lives and leave me alone. So I am kind of getting the perspective of a WAS, and now I get it. I don't want to be responsible for their feelings, I want them to deal with their feelings on their own. I don't want to be made to feel guilty or feel like I owe them something, and the more they bother me and guilt me and give me sad puppy dog eyes, the more I want them to just GO AWAY. I want them to just live their lives, and act normal, so I can feel like I can be normal around them.

Your mind is racing to figure out reasons why you should do what you want to do, but know you definitely should not do. None of those reasons are valid. Not only do you need to leave your W alone and give her the space she wants (not only for her, but for YOU), but you really need to focus all your energy (or at least the majority of it) on yourself. I am just now turning the corner with this, so I know how you feel. When you keep focusing on your WAS and what he/she is doing, thinking, etc., and what you can do to manipulate him/her and/or the situation, you get yourself stuck. You cannot move forward until you stop doing that. Accept the situation for what it is, even though it $ucks and you hate it. It's reality. You can't change it and you can't change your W and no amount of mind reading is going to give you any insight into what she is thinking or feeling. All you will do with that is drive yourself insane.

Focus on you, and become who you want to be. Find your happiness from within. Build your self esteem. Work on your issues, find new friends, look for the positives in life. If your W did choose to come back (which she will not do based on anything you do or say right now, so don't bother), would your M be any better if you haven't worked on you? A M should be between two people who ADD happiness and joy to each other's lives - not who are responsible for the other's happiness.

I just got the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It's a bunch of short passages that you can read whenever and highlight your favorites to come back to - they are all about letting go of the things that are holding you back. I would recommend it to help you move on from being stuck.