Portia, I could feel your pain when you said he was “shopping for an OW”. What I wanted to know if he gave you any reason why he was looking for an OW and didn’t want to be in R with you. Did you have fights, disagreements? Was he just not happy? sigh… Did he blame you for anything that was not working in your relationship?
You said “I truly believe that the MLCer does not let go of the LBS until they have a solid back up.” I’ve heard this a lot. I thought that my H didn’t have any OW at the time of BD. My friend in Mexico was trying to convince me that that woman who I confronted H about was just a good friend of his. This is what H told him last year. I still think that she was EA or potential EA he was thinking about. I don’t know what happened, but this didn’t go anywhere and it looks like she is not in the picture anymore.
I wish that my H would be gone from my head and heart too. Sometimes I wake up with the fear that it might not happen and I will be having these “phantom feelings” forever.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I do agree w/Portia about the backup plans. Many mlcers have someone waiting in the wings, be it an EA or a PA. They can't be alone and they need to know that someone is out there that will encourage them that they are doing the right thing.
Just remember, you didn't break them, therefore, you can't fix them. If it isn't the current OP in their lives, they would have someone else or continued to go from one to the next seeking out that admiration and validation that they require to escape from growing up and reality.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ugh, portia, sorry it is rough for you. I cringed when I read your H said he was "interested" in dating someone. My H told me when I found out about his then EA, "we have a mutual interest". That hurt, when I found out he had been lying and thought AW was an answer to his issues.
I agree with job. It's sad they look to external sources to solve their happiness and who knows if they ever will grow up? and who wants to be a backup plan after YEARS of knowing someone?
Sending hugs your way.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I get the "shopping" for another woman. It is those who have the least confidence, and most insecurities that NEED a person to be there.
Mine never liked coming home to an empty house. Never lived on his own, Mom or room mate.
He is in a condo, free of charge and the owner goes back and forth from FL.
When he wants a place of his own, I will know that someone is there as the replacement. I'm starting to get comfortable with my alone in the house time, but then I could do things by myself as a teen.
I never needed a guy or needed to do something with another.
When I do, it is because I want to.
My husband needs to be needed...ding ding ding...epiphany!
Now it makes sense that he needs me to want to do things with him since his T. had started falling. It wasn't so much control but that he was needing the connection women want earlier in marriages.
He still has no clue on this, and due to male pride, would NOT want to know this.
I remember reading that we tend to switch roles as we age due to hormones. This may also be a reason as to why men seek younger women...as we age, we toughen up and don't cling.
As they age they soften up and seek more emotional connection. Yes, sex and youth are part of it too, but I see the emotional/hormonal side has a big role in this.
Too bad a lot of men do not become introspective until it is too late or a crisis occurs. Some NEVER become introspective...my father comes to mind!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
I remember reading that we tend to switch roles as we age due to hormones. This may also be a reason as to why men seek younger women...as we age, we toughen up and don't cling.
As they age they soften up and seek more emotional connection. Yes, sex and youth are part of it too, but I see the emotional/hormonal side has a big role in this.
Too bad a lot of men do not become introspective until it is too late or a crisis occurs. Some NEVER become introspective...
Like that^^^. That was very insightful and I can totally see that viewpoint.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Ambiv, this is an interesting observation about switching the roles.
Originally Posted By: Pudmuddle
and who wants to be a backup plan after YEARS of knowing someone?
Pud, this is exactly what that Mexican girl told my H in one of the e-mails. I think she was looking for validation or promise that it would not be case, because she still liked him. He told her that our R was over and he had no emotional attachment to me. Except at that time he still came to the house to finish painting the doors, we had joint accounts, I paid his bills and he had most of his clothes here.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Amb, that is very insightful. I was always independent; I was raised that way.
In fact, it answers BF's earlier questions:
Quote:
What I wanted to know if he gave you any reason why he was looking for an OW and didn’t want to be in R with you. Did you have fights, disagreements? Was he just not happy? sigh… Did he blame you for anything that was not working in your relationship?
Yes, he gave me a reason: I was not what he wanted (direct quote). He wanted someone who wanted the white picket fence life - shared absolutely everything, wanted children and a house in the country. I truly think he believed that this fantasy life - free of problems but with shiny babies who adored him - was real and would be the case all of the time. Things like dirty diapers and teenagers or responsibility never crossed his mind. I don't know when he became unhappy, he never actually did the grown up thing and talked to me about it. He'd joke about us having kids but since I knew he knew I did not want them (dealbreaker), I assumed he was joking. Our relationship was like that.
The truth is, Bright, I no longer give a flying fig why HE was unhappy. I am over thinking that I could have done something about it. That is not to say I was perfect - far from it. But there is such thing as "reasonable force". When someone accidently bumps into you, you can't shoot them. And that is what he did. HE was unhappy so he screwed around, lied to me and abandoned me - even as a friend. Nothing I did deserved the reaction that it got. Nothing YOU did deserved your H doing the same, either.
Strangely enough, the last two text exchanges with Skippy have been initiated by me. Lack of self control, I guess. It had been two weeks since I heard from him and I decided to cast out the line. He answered right away. The truth is, I have had enough. Do touch and goes have a point? I guess I had hoped that by calling me after so long, it was more than just a touch and go, but it appears not.
In any event, I am turning a corner - setting everything on fire, as it were. I won't slam the door, but I have moved further away from it. He'll have a great deal of catching up to do. I miss making plans for my life and I am going to make them without reference to him. I will no longer initiate texts or contact. If he wants to talk to me, he will have to be the one to contact me.
I believe this is called dropping the rope. If you are there, you are there. Sounds like you have reached the pinnacle of detachment. Go to my thread, if you haven't and read the posts I recently posted.
When you have reached where you are now, they don't scare you, you may even laugh. It really is amazing what some of these guys do, and how far up their colon they've gone.
<3<3's
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
WOW Portia good on ya!!! you're sounding strong and confident and that's very good. you're awesome:)
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Portia, I see you've finally gotten to the land of dropping the rope. Good for you! Live your life for you.
Are you ready for the holidays? How is your father doing? Are you doing anything fun or going to spend the time w/family and friends?
Portia, dropping the rope is one of the best things you can do for yourself. I'm very proud of you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
