Crimson.....just checkin' in again.

[sandi2]

Crimson, many people out there (and here) are operating from their unmet needs, usually from early in their life. It seems, and this is merely descriptive, your W is acting like a 2 yr old who hasn't gotten her way. Eventually most 2 yr olds learn that they don't always get their way. Some don't and they carry that with them into adulthood.

Until she's able to recognize that and see it as harmful, she won't change. It's all she knows. You can't change her but you can stand your ground. Don't be afraid of her. If she gets mad, she gets mad.

I have empathy for your W, she's an unhappy woman, she's said so herself but she doesn't know how to break out of it. That's hers. She will continue to be unhappy whether he goes to Iowa with her of not. That will not be the magic pill to make her life better.

You however can choose a good life filled with good times, you have the tools.

Totally, totally....TOTALLY agree!

I accept that she is not a project to fix, I think I am just trying to pull out of the notion that I need to prove myself to her as "not-the-man-she-left". Seems like she gets it sometimes - and still others she can somehow revert back to "we are toxic and unhealthy". Seems as if as long as I am caving in and giving her what she wants I am a good guy. Not good enough for R or rebuilding - but good. When I stand my ground, well, I am "unhealthy" and manipulative.

This really bothers me, Crimson. First, you haven't been able to end that emotional responsibility of trying to make everything around better in hopes it might cause her to be a bit happier. Second, when you first came here, you were trying to prove to her how you much you could change....in hopes she would not go through with the D. Then, you kept wanted to prove to her your changes in hopes that it would cause her to see the new you and she would want to R. Now, two years later, and you are wanted to prove to her you are not the man she left! So really, you were never able to get beyond the point of not making the changes for her. You're still making them about her. However, I'm coming up to the third reason this causes me concern. I've read several statements you've made that sounds as if you put too much importance upon her measure of you being a good man. I understand that when a couple is M that no other person's opinion or acceptance matters as much as that of the spouse. Perhaps that never completely goes away (outside of feeling hatred), IDK. It is tragic b/c everyone else seems to see what a good guy you truly are.

IMO, you caving in to her wishes has never made you a good or better person (unless it was in the very beginning of the stitch when you were learning to see somewhat selfish points in the past). I believe she knows exactly what you are trying to do (proving you've changed)and she knows she can use this to her advantage. After all, she has gotten pretty much her way for two years of co-parenting. Does she think any more of you after giving up your time when she wanted extra days or to have certain holidays or travel out of state? Obviously not. All she has to do is choose a few words to let you know you aren't good enough to R, and it tears you apart. That is emotional manipulation!

You know what's bad about spoiling a child by caving into their wishes all the time? They usually grow up spoiled, manipulative adults who continue to expect others (especially the one who did the spoiling) to comply with whatever they want. It is very unattractive.

"Please refrain from telling me you are coming from a kind and caring place. That may make you feel better about yourself, but your actions speak otherwise. Kind and caring must mean something different to you than it does to me".

Again, this emotional manipulation b/c she knew it would hurt your feelings. And it did.

Side note - I haven't heard much of a peep from her since Tuesday when she picked up S. Usually I'd have at least gotten a text from her or something....

She was sulking.

The fact that she texted me to ask if that way my "final decision" even after reading my e-mail tells me that she really, really wanted to take him and is probably struggling not being able to do so. She didn't, however, lash out. She told me that she wasn't going to celebrate Christmas with him until she went to IA with him...so I guess that is why she didn't mmind giving up Christmas...I mean, it sux, but she was willing to do it.

I know I am not the only one who sees through this. Look, she was expecting you to do just like you've done the past two years. Now, she's waiting for the guilt to set in on you. Don't you dare feel guilty over sticking to your guns.

I derive no pleasure from her unhappiness and certainly not my own.

We know. ((hug)) And....Crimson, that statement above is what makes the difference between really good people from the selfish ones.

Many here have said that I have gone out of my way to keep XW from having to feel all of the fall-out from her decision to leave -

You did. I think it ran over into a mixture of trying to keep her happy and not pushing her away more (in your opinion)and protecting her, that kept you tied to her emotionally.

I am starting to see that my being overly accommodating has not helped much.

Good!

At this point if she does not see me as a "good" man - she never will.

B/c you told her "no" for once? If it only takes one no to determine in her mind that you are not a "good" man, then her mentally is unhealthy.

I stepped into her doorway and greeted S, but she BARELY addressed me. She spoke to S "tell daddy this, tell daddy that"

My assumption would be that she is still angry that I did not let her take Thanksgiving and trade Christmas for it. Of course, paired with the fact I didn't let her have the multi-day holiday bonanza with my S in IA this year.

LOL! You think?

I don't know, folks. Between me standing my ground on her trying to take him to IA for most of his holiday break (essentially expecting me to give her some of my days), having to hold the line on keeping him for Thanksgiving (she failed to read the divorce agreement that said I had him this year), and now this -- I feel like sure, I am holding my ground. But at the same time I feel like I am pushing her away.

Pushing her away from WHAT?

I am really trying to drop the rope again....and keep it "dropped". It's just hard because in my heart - I stiil miss her to this day...I feel weak because I still do.

Sweetie, listen to me, please. You are not a weak man b/c you love her or still miss her. It's the feeling that you are doing something that "pushes her away" that causes you to doubt yourself and not to stick to your boundaries....that you've said in your own words "is best". You have a little boy who will be watching his daddy to see the role model for men in life's relationships. Doing what is best doesn't mean we have to like it or feel good about it. Sure makes it a lot easier when we do, but it just doesn't always happen that way. And even giving over to his mother's wishes every time won't cause him to love you more or teach him to be a better man.

Just as her opinion doesn't determine whether you are a good man or not, neither does admitting to caring for her make you weak. You have come a long way these past two years. Seems like a lifetime, doesn't it? When you measure your personal mileage, it's been a long trip.

You aren't pushing her away b/c she's the one choosing to move backward. And if the two of you want to make changes on the co-parenting agreement, then it should be done some other time when holidays or vacations aren't pressing the issue.

(((hugs)))