Wife Said She's Done

[jp787]

Someone else real or imaginary is normally the case, but not always. The WAS will either have someone else, thinking someone else is out there that will be perfect or imagine being solo and free.

One bad interaction won’t ruin anything. Do take note and learn from it and try to avoid making the same mistake twice. You will make more mistakes, just try to keep learning and improving.

Try hard to change the focus to you and not her or the M.

[OneDay]

There is no one else, I know she would be scared to death to bring another guy around her "precious" boys and I can tell you another guy is the last thing she is thinking.

She has held in SOOOOOOO much resentment toward me, even put the kids before me for the last few years because she thought she could make it work until the kids were older. She laid it out and said how all my little/big jabbs over time has hardened her heart and she cannot come out of that. When she really tried to talk to me that I didn't care and told her Im going to do what I want to do and for her to get over it now. She also told me a few other things that I dont even remember saying.

I at least know where her heart is at now and even though it doesnt help the way I feel, its nice to know the whole story.

[OneDay]

Melissag,
What is strange with my situation is that she is not really angry. She was when I told her I was moving back home. But now everything seems decent, not great, but decent. She is defiantly more reserved in her emotions, kinda neutral when we talk. (does that make sense) Id say we are like room mates.

SM34,
I can defiantly tell you multiple times within the last year (before the big bomb) where she was really on edge. Like I've never seen before. She was frustrated at me, the kids, homework, you name it. I would get text in all caps Stating " IM SO EFFin OVER IT, I JUST GO HOME, THE HOUSE IS A WRECK, HOMEWORK ISNT EVEN STARTED, I HAVENT THOUGHT ABOUT DINNER" etc etc. I would try and calm her down by saying dont worry, I'll pick up dinner on the way home, and I'll help the boys with homework, save some for me. etc etc. I was always trying to help/reassure her. So when I got home I would go above and beyond my normal duties(which were alot) an help out with kids and around the house in hopes of alleviating some of her stress.

I thought is was because she is working more than she ever has. (she has only worked 2, sometimes 3 half days a week since we've been married. Now this last year I was forced to take a different job with poor pay and no benefits. So she knew she would have to pick up more shifts and I thought this was the main cause of her stress.

Now this is not to say that she's held alot, A TON of stuff inside and never told anyone. She told me she went to counseling one time after the D talk and said she told the counselor things she's never told, or thought she could tell anyone. I asked why she only went once, and she said that its too expensive. I suggested she go back no matter the cost, for her own well-being.

[OneDay]

Also, should be receiving the DR book today. I cant wait to start reading it.

[PatientMan]

So here is where Im at now an what I've been doing.
- I have not had a drink in 44 days.
- I have not dipped in 37 days.
- Working out 3+ days a week
- I have been sleep on the couch, without hesitation.
- I waking up early and help with the kids in the morning (I never use to)
- Im really listening to her, and keep eye contact and dont interrupt
- I dont talk to her much, if I do its "how was your day", plans with the kids, or pick up times, really small stuff.
- I dont text or email her

I feel Im doing my best to give her space, I feel like Im trying but Im so scared. Is there anything more I should or shouldn't be doing.

Good job!

Is that a list of things YOU want to be?

Think long and hard about YOURSELF here. Who do you want to be? What words do you want to describe you? Figure out who the man you want to be is.

Once you've done that, your job is to do the work on changing from who you are now into who you've described.

And that's quite a journey.

For it to "work", though, you have to do it for YOU...not for your W and not for your R.

Focusing on you will take the focus off of her, which will help you detach from her emotionally. This will help YOU emotionally.

Over time, through your consistent actions (not words), your R might have a chance because your W will begin to believe your changes are REAL and not just to win her back or to not get divorced.

But you can't fake it. You have to do the work. It has to be authentic.

So who do you want to be?

Suggestions:

• Read sandi37's rules. Every day.
• Around her you are an emotional rock. Nothing she does or says has any effect on you at all. You are cool as a cucumber. Got it?
• Be an honorable man.
• Patient Endurance
• Be a man only a fool would leave.
• Do not fuel her fire.
• Keep the road paved home smooth.
• Made a mistake? Move on.

Your W is "done". Most of us here have either heard or said that. She very likely means it, but it IS typical WAS script.

She "feels" that way right now. Feelings change. Work on you. Give her space. Follow your rules.

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." - (MLK Jr. 1963)

How will you measure up? Where will you stand?

-PM

[AnotherStander]

You see, she's not fighting, she's not mad, arguing etc. She is completely done in her heart.

That's not unusual, lots of us have "low energy" WAS's that don't get mad or argue but are totally "done".

Also Since I've been home she states I've been distant, sitting out back and no one knows where you are, taking off for walks, telling me your running out for a bit and not saying were.

LISTEN to her. DB'ing isn't a set routine, it's about trying different things, discarding what doesn't work, and keep doing what does work. What you're doing is not working. You're being cold and distant which is NOT the same thing as detaching.

I said is this really that big of a deal? "WE ARE GETTING A DIVORCE REMEMBER"!

When she is telling you how she feels, do not argue with her because you are negating her feelings. Simply listen and validate.

I told her I dont have a problem, you do, and you need to get help. I would tell her all the time that she just has to get over it and deal with it. She did tell me several times that if things don't change and we don't get help that this relationship is going to end bad. And I of course replied with one of the selfish responses above.

Now that I heard it, I realize I said all those thing, all the time, for a long time. And this has hardened her heart and put her where she is now.

Right. Granted she probably didn't communicate it to you very well, but now that you know your actions drove her to this point, how can you do a 180 on that behavior?

I was a fool and did not put my focus where I should have. I am now completely hopeless for this relationship.

Now isn't the time to throw in the towel. She gave you some great info on what you need to change. You're at the starting line, not the finish line. Your marathon is about to begin.

No the possibility of someone else is not even a thought nor was it ever.

What you really mean to say is you don't want there to be an OP. But JP is right, there is. Perhaps not a PA, maybe not even an EA, but definitely in absence of those then an IA. An IA is in many ways the most difficult for you to compete with, because your W builds an imaginary perfect partner in her head that is waiting out there for her, and as soon as she can break away he'll step in to sweep her onto his white stallion and gallop off with her into the sunset. Take it from me, early in my sitch I constantly argued with people that my W was not in an A. But she was, she was having an IA, but in her case with a real person. The only thing that kept is from being an EA is he wasn't reciprocating. She covered her tracks really well, I didn't realize her attachment to him until almost a year after BD but it had been going on since before BD. He was her "escape" from what she perceived as a lousy M.

[OneDay]

LISTEN to her. DB'ing isn't a set routine, it's about trying different things, discarding what doesn't work, and keep doing what does work. What you're doing is not working. You're being cold and distant which is NOT the same thing as detaching.

Dam, I should have read this first I think I just did it again. I texted her and asked what time she was working until on Friday. She replied back 9-6. I then said OK, if you dont already have plans, Travis n I were planning on going out Friday Night. She replied back with I didnt yet, but have plans for Saturday Night.

This DB is not going well for me. It feels like everything I do is the wrong way. I thought I was suppose to GAL. Does that mean go out with friends? Do I need to ask permission from WAS First? Should I be going out, should I stay home. IM SO CONFUSED

Other GAL Ive been doing is going to church, working out and reading alot more than I ever have. I found this great book "Wild at Heart, Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul" by John Eldredge. I've been reading it every night. I also just go DR in the mail, started on that today

PatientMan
Some of those were my goals, other where just accomplishments. I've been telling myself for a long time now that I need to quit dipping, and Im glad I did. The Drinking thing was at first for my Wife, but now that I've stopped I feel so much clearer, healthier and level headed, easier to wake in the morning, that I personally do not choose to go back to drinking. Now as for my goal that I personally want to live by are

1. To Follow and learn more from Christ. (I've been running from God for far to long)
2. Become a more Patient Man, with my kids, W, Family, Friends, Co-workers, etc.
3. To truly listen to people, and keep an open mind and not be quick to judge.
4. Continue Working out and being Healthy

[PatientMan]

PatientMan
Some of those were my goals, other where just accomplishments. I've been telling myself for a long time now that I need to quit dipping, and Im glad I did. The Drinking thing was at first for my Wife, but now that I've stopped I feel so much clearer, healthier and level headed, easier to wake in the morning, that I personally do not choose to go back to drinking. Now as for my goal that I personally want to live by are

1. To Follow and learn more from Christ. (I've been running from God for far to long)
2. Become a more Patient Man, with my kids, W, Family, Friends, Co-workers, etc.
3. To truly listen to people, and keep an open mind and not be quick to judge.
4. Continue Working out and being Healthy

Excellent!

Not just that those are all admirable, positive goals to strive towards, but also because they will provide you with a full plate to help occupy your mind!

Take action in your life to pursue each one of your goals. For example:

1) Find a church that convicts, challenges, and motivates you. Join a Bible Study or even just a men's Bible Study. Find pastors who convict, challenge, and motivate you online and sign up for their podcasts - listen to them in the car or when you're doing cardio.

2 & 3) These are self-help type areas with plenty of books to read with methods and exercises to put into practice to begin to form new habits on how you treat people and view people in general. You can find advice on what books to read here on the forum, do your own digging, or simply ask and wait for replies.

4) Eat healthy and exercise. I'm a very active and healthy person, and I strongly recommend a combination of both strength training and cardio for someone who is overweight, such as how you've described yourself. Many people will rationalize skipping the strength training because it may slow down the overall weight loss (as they put on muscle mass), but trust me, you'll want every bit of that muscle once you've stripped all the fat off of you! Let me know if you'd like any pointers in this area.

So here's your "to do" list:

1. Read DR (if you haven't already)
2. Read The Married Men Sex Life Primer 2011
3. Continue to eat healthy and exercise - this will improve body AND mind
4. Seek out what helps you reach your goals. Church/Bible Study, self-help books on patience, listening, non-judgement, etc., more information on your weight loss and health strategy (don't just wing, have a strategy).
5. Read sandi37's rules EVERY DAY. Seriously.
6. Do a lot of digging on this MB. Read other people's sitch's. There is a TON of useful information on this website.

Remember, this is YOUR journey, not some trick to get your W back.

I know you have a lot of questions right now and the world may seem like it is spinning really fast. You're best bet is to listen to those of us who have been exactly where you have been. Learn from what we did right; learn from what we did wrong...we're all happy to share what worked for us and what didn't.

Here's a little tip that worked well for me. I typed up two lists in Microsoft Word and carried them around with me in my wallet. One list was Bible verses that were especially helpful for me to read and meditate on during the especially tough times, and the other list was of helpful advice I found here on the forum.

Let me know if you want them and I'll share my lists. All I did was configure them in Word so that the font was very small and so that it would print off double sided. I would then cut off all the excess paper and...voilà! I had a 2"x4" piece of paper I could fold up and carry around with me wherever I went. I didn't need to always have my phone or my Bible or internet access. It was very handy.

And remember, I found these to be the most important for me. In all things:

• Be an honorable man.
• Be a man only a fool would leave.
• Do not fuel her fire.
• Keep the road paved home smooth.
• Made a mistake? Move on.
• Patient Endurance
• Around her you are an emotional rock. Nothing she does or says has any effect on you at all.

All this might seem like a lot to take in and digest, but you're going to get the hang of this quickly and start wanting more.

You CAN do this.

-PM

[PatientMan]

ScottCat,

My apologies as I confused you with another new poster. While it's an interesting read for any man, I don't think it's high on your priority list to read Athol Kay's book, "The Married Man Sex Life Primer".

It couldn't hurt, but not necessarily a priority RIGHT NOW as I see it.

-PM

[OneDay]

So I am meeting with the Processor today to get the D papers after work. He just called a few minutes ago and Im feeling numb at the moment.

Should I tell my W I received them? Should I leave them on my dresser? Should I hide them?

This is really hitting home hard now, and feels like its moving so fast. I know I've already made some positive changes for myself and Im going to continue, but I concerned that there will not be enough time for her to notice.