The Brave Man

[JFun51]

Previous Threads

My Wife is an Alien
Rolling Up My Sleeves
The Red Pill
The Dance
The Road Not Taken
Love is a Choice


I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

Fear of the unknown terrifies mot of us. When BD happens, we find the world as we've known it is destroyed. The M that we knew is DEAD. The W that we knew is GONE. We must accept these facts and begin to realize that we have been given a great opportunity to grow and become the person we were always meant to be.

We must conquer the fear of the unknown and live in the now. Shed the guilt and shame from the past. Love unconditionally. Understand that no one is perfect. We have done the best with the tools we had at the time. So did everyone else in our lives.

Conquering our fear is a great step. Courage comes from our own understanding of our place in this world. I hope that through this journey I can find the courage to overcome my own guilt, face the unknown, and become a better man.

[ericmsant2]

JF -

Made the mistake of saying ILY over Thanksgiving

Don’t look at this ^^^ as a “mistake”. DB101 – change how you look at things. Maybe consider that you were being your authentic self and leave it at that.

Why can't I forgive myself for being a bad son when my father got sick?

Maybe start by defining “forgiveness” for yourself. How do you see/feel forgiviness? What is it that YOU would need to feel forgiven? It may help shed some light on why you are struggling with this. Forgivness is really a CHOICE.

I feel so awful for my actions.

It took me a loooooonnnngggg time to accept the following (urworthy is known for saying this)…..”you did the best you had with the tools that you had at the time”.

I also found that continuing to feel guilt was for me, very easy. It allow me to stay living as a victim. It is much harder to ACCEPT where you were wrong and move forward. Why is that? Because IMO, it forces you to move forward. Forces one to confront things like….loss of control and fear.

I must find a way to forgive myself.

Day by day bro…day by day. Ya know a lot time we see something that needs to be addressed/fixed and so we focus on fixing it, which is good. However, we also need to accept that things take TIME. So JF- start by just forgiving yourself today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I've gotta find a way to talk to my mother about why she left.

Sometime it is best to let things be. IMO, I would allow her to talk about it when she is ready. Funny, after my D, my mom sat down with me. We had a long conversation about HER MLC – she recognized it and knew what my xw might be feeling. She decribe it to me as a “fog”…as never really feeling “right”. She said she knew that some of the things that she was doing was wrong but could not stop it. According to her…she felt this way for 10 years and still to this day…doesn’t not feel quite “right” all of the time. She believes that my XW…will…in many years from now come to regret her choices but that I would not be around (which is indeed the case).

I watched my mom struggle with guild her entire life.
Guilt does not nothing for you man. Nada.

I don't have time to watch W's actions and analyze her.

Easier said then done. I hope that you follow this advice. For me, I had to FORCE myself to use another DB101 tactic – Change your thoughts.

Urworth,

Oh, since I went through all this stuff with these boys, I am an honorary member of the ole boys club. Let em try to take my membership away. I dare 'em

Oh yes you did. Hugs to you girl…now as it relates to the “membership”….you know I would never take it away. Hell your like one of the guys – kinda – sorta – in a weird way. LOL.

[uRworthy]

Hey Eric, I think I can hold my own with the boys....just sayin.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey JF, you sound like you are in such a good place. Thanks for the shout out in your other thread. I have to say I learn a LOT on your threads. I can't believe how fast your threads fill up!!!

You recognize the growth that you need to do, and even if you haven't gotten it all yet, you recognize it and to me that is huge. It's hard to be introspective and really dig deep. You have grown so much since you have been here. I gotta say I'm impressed with you. Keep on keepin' on!

[TSquared2]

start by just forgiving yourself today. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow.

I think most of us are not taught how to forgive others, much less taught how to allow ourselves to be forgiven.

What does that look like? What does it feel like? How do you know you really have been?

I'm still trying to figure that out...it's a tough weed.

[Mach1]

Oh, since I went through all this stuff with these boys, I am an honorary member of the ole boys club. Let em try to take my membership away. I dare 'em

Oh yes you did. Hugs to you girl…now as it relates to the “membership”….you know I would never take it away. Hell your like one of the guys – kinda – sorta – in a weird way. LOL.

Miss B IS one of the guys....

And I would bet that -unlike E- she has never had her "man card" yanked away from her....

: )

What does that look like? What does it feel like? How do you know you really have been?

I'm still trying to figure that out...it's a tough weed.

I think that forgiveness for our self, is more of a feeling rather than a choice, or decision...

One day you may just wake with a peace over you, and you know without a shadow of doubt, that you did the best that you could...and you will smile about it...

[JFun51]

I think most of us are not taught how to forgive others, much less taught how to allow ourselves to be forgiven.

What does that look like? What does it feel like? How do you know you really have been?

I'm still trying to figure that out...it's a tough weed.

Forgiveness has many definitions. As I look today and try to delve into what it looks like and feels like, I find that it is terribly important in so many faiths in the history of the world. Many more passages in religious texts about forgiveness than there are about justice or revenge. One must let go of the negative emotions one has towards the offender. To forgive yourself, you have to let go of the guilt and shame that is associated with your own actions.

I have to work on understanding that I have failed at certain points in my life. That doesn't mean I have to carry that with me forever. For those I have failed, I offer up apology and ask for their forgiveness. It is up to them to give it. My greatest struggle is to find that for myself. Many times in life, we are our own greatest critic. Any person that has a conscience is haunted by mistakes, failures, and what might have been. Just like we can't let other people's actions determine our outlook on life, we cannot let the past taint our now and our future.

Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing bad behavior. It is accepting that people are not perfect. It is allowing the offender to take ownership of their failures. Forgiveness is an Act of Love. To forgive someone that has wronged you, you must love them enough to believe these actions are not who they are. So to forgive oneself and shed guilt is to truly love yourself.

This isn't narcissism. This is an enlightened understanding that we are fallible beings that make mistakes. Our moral compass tells us right and wrong. Without that, we are robots, sociopaths, or machines.

Forgiveness and Compassion go hand in hand. I can have compassion for my wife in her current MLC fog because I have taken the time to examine her childhood and I understand why she is struggling. In fact, I had that compassion before this crisis. I loved her for who she was, including all her faults and scars. She is a beautiful, loving woman because of them.

Finding that for myself is harder. There is hope. I have the ability. I have new tools available thanks to this process. I pray on my knees by my wife every night for strength, courage, and hope. All of these things can help me find forgiveness.

[TSquared2]

I think that forgiveness for our self, is more of a feeling rather than a choice, or decision...

One day you may just wake with a peace over you, and you know without a shadow of doubt, that you did the best that you could...

Where do feelings come from? Thinking, then choices, then decisions, maybe?

Dammit Jim..... (Doc McCoy)

[Pudmuddle]

Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing bad behavior. It is accepting that people are not perfect. It is allowing the offender to take ownership of their failures. Forgiveness is an Act of Love. To forgive someone that has wronged you, you must love them enough to believe these actions are not who they are. So to forgive oneself and shed guilt is to truly love yourself.

THIS ^^^ was beautiful.

[JFun51]

I think that forgiveness for our self, is more of a feeling rather than a choice, or decision...

One day you may just wake with a peace over you, and you know without a shadow of doubt, that you did the best that you could...

Where do feelings come from? Thinking, then choices, then decisions, maybe?

Dammit Jim..... (Doc McCoy)

Yes. Feelings follow your choices and decisions in life. You make a choice to do something and those feelings follow. Hence the "In Love" fuzziness versus the conscious decision to "Love" someone.