I spoke with my friend who is going through the same situation.
He said something to me that really helped lighten my heart.
"You can choose regret, self pity, revenge, spite, and anger, but all of that leads to divorce anyway. If you want to salvage anything, you need to do what is right, and that is love. In the end, we cannot make them come back to us. But I will feel a lot better about myself saying I did everything I could the right way. I showed love and grace. And love wins."
He said this to me after I told him how i was Cruel to my W the othe night. I said things to hurt her. I knew i was doing it, I wanted her to feel pain, I wanted her to know how I felt.
But even after saying these things, It DID NOT make me feel better. In fact, I felt worse. I am not that person, i don't want to hurt others.
After hearing this from him, I called her and said, "I feel like I need to apologize to you. The things I said were hurtful. I wanted to hurt you, and that wasn't right. It was undignified and childish, I'm Sorry."
She said thank you, and accepted. She started crying and said she could not believe that I would apologize to her. I just said, the person I was last night, is not the person I want to be.
I was able to further clarify my Boundary when we got home last night. I said.. I want you to understand that while you choose to be with him, I choose not to be with you. I do this because every time I'm with you, it gives me hope. And every time you leave it kills me. I cannot let that happen to myself anymore.
She started crying and hugged me. That was it.
This morning I woke up feeling better. While i know my life is in turmoil and I'm not sure if they could really get any worse, I know that now is the time to DB and DB hard. I need to do this for myself and I need to stay true to myself and do it in a loving and compassionate way.
W commented on how good I looked this morning. I said, Thank you, I feel good, and smiled.
