Wife wants Divorce, I do Not

[25yearsmlc]

In your situation, more than others, SHOWING that you finally "get it" is going to be key.

"Get it"
meaning acknowledgment of the affair, where I went wrong and WE went wrong, our marriage is over, that her and I are moving forward?

UM, we mean what YOU need to work on, which is NOT a discussion of an affair she had not even admitted having, not to mention that if she is having one, she has justified it totally.

Your condemnation of it will only fuel her desire to leave and her justifications.

Did you even read what I posted to you??

SHOW her thru your actions that you are a changing man...say nothing of her flaws...you are not in a position to be telling her anything about HER problems

[burning heart]

It's not justified. And I've said nothing of her flaws.
Yeah

Kinda getting pissed at the whole deal.

I love her more than anything but the thought of being strung along...husband being plan b...no.

She's at least "talking" to someone else. I love her, I do, but I should be more angry about this. Wth?

[FlyOnTheWall]

Your going to bounce all over the place for a while. One day it might be guilt and remorse at some of the things you did to help the situation along. Other days, anger, resentment, betrayal that she's not doing anything to try to save the marriage.

The fact is she did make efforts, in the past, and you missed the signs. We all did, that's why most of us are here. You only see her flaws now, cause it helps you build up anger to protect yourself, so that you can feel like YOUR putting in the only effort. So you can say im here, ready to fix this why isn't she.

You are not being strung along, she's done. She's trying to be civil with you. Cause right now that's ALL she wants from you.

It took at least a year for her to finally build up the courage to herself to walk away. And most of the time, but not always, its because they've met someone else that is giving them what we were not.

Its a common tale among posts here. You see it as infidelity, she see's it as moving on. Its a hard pill to swallow, been there done that, many of us are or were where you are right now.

No one is here trying to beat you up, we're trying to get you to understand it took BOTH of you to get here. BUT you can only worry about yourself right now. IF you can put in the work, if your willing to look in the mirror, if your willing to forgive yourself, her, and the situation. Then there is a CHANCE you can build a new relationship.

It wont happen over night, it wont happen anytime soon, it might not ever happen. Do you want to have the regret later that you didn't at least try to put the BEST effort you could in, become a better you?

The longer you hold on to the past, the longer you hold on to whats currently happening, the more you hinder the efforts of working on yourself. You cant work on a relationship, when your not working on yourself first. Whats that old saying, you cant love someone else, if you don't love yourself first?

I so wish I could swing by, pick your butt up for a cup of coffee and give you an outlet, its got to start somewhere. These early stages are like dealing with an alcoholic, denial, anger, acceptance, forgiveness. The forgiveness isn't so much to forgive her, but to forgive yourself first.

I know how hard it is to not read into every little interaction, to try to find hope in the smallest detail. To not react when we're not getting the result we were hoping for. But that's the problem right now, you think your putting in the work FINALLY and she's been past that stage for a LONG time.

The other part of the problem is your stuck in this reaction mode, hoping that she'll notice that your making the effort. Right now, you cant react, you don't have time to WAIT and she what/how she responds. Its gotta be about what your doing for yourself NOW. IF your doing things hoping she'll take notice and just change her mind, im sorry friend, go back and read the 1000's of posts/threads. Its not gonna happen. Your trying to invent the wheel, while your wife is off driving the new car.

DB is a proven process, whether it saves your marriage or not, wont be determined for a year or two. What it does save is you. Your going to be making a journey, it starts by putting one foot in front of the other. Your trying to make it by running in place right now. Slow down. Gather your thoughts, get in control, stop trying to figure it all out like this can be fixed by next month, or why it CANT be fixed by next month.

[burning heart]

burning heart
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 74
I want to fight for the marriage but it's over in her mind.
She knows how I feel about her and wanting stay together and married.
I really can't do anymore.

She wants space and I don't think she will talk to me. Especially about us or our relationship.
She has left me, our home, pets, life and all. I don't think she wants any part of it.

I believe she will send family for her things.
Her mother has been physically ill over this.

[MrBond]

"Kinda getting pissed at the whole deal.

I love her more than anything but the thought of being strung along...husband being plan b...no."

Really? So you didn't live up to your obligation as a husband and made HER Plan B. So now she finds someone that makes her a priority when you didn't and you get upset?

Didn't you write the post below?

"My wife and I have been having trouble for sometime. I haven't been living up to my duties as a husband. I haven't respected, acknowlwdged, complimented, given bad looks, upset when I feel she wasn't doing enough for the house, haven't satisfied emotion needs, listened, etc.

I have hurt her so much. These behaviors have occured before. We would talk, work it out, and I would return to old behaviors after some months. "

Suck it up. These are the consequences of what you did. Just because suddenly you've "seen the light" doesn't mean that she has to see things your way. You're still acting selfishly. That's what she's seeing.

[burning heart]

Posting things on fb, running on emotion and hurt feelings, leaving me and our things, treating a marriage like be/gf, acting 20 something, avoiding anything to do with me, still saying I love you, knowing I will stay where I'm working and living, asking me if it's ok to call me, .....

That's not selfish?

I know my wrongs. Yeah, I see the light now and it is too late.
She's not seeing hers or being responsible.

[MrBond]

"Posting things on fb, running on emotion and hurt feelings, leaving me and our things, treating a marriage like be/gf, acting 20 something, avoiding anything to do with me, still saying I love you, knowing I will stay where I'm working and living, asking me if it's ok to call me, .....

That's not selfish?"

Nope. What you don't seem to be getting is that she doesn't see it as being selfish at all. In fact, you were the one who acted selfishly by ignoring her. You didn't see it that way.

Right now her perception is that she's finally getting her needs met and is trying to enjoy a life that she feels you dragged down.

"I know my wrongs. Yeah, I see the light now and it is too late."

No it isn't. But you keep thinking the way you are and not changing your attitude, then it will be too late.

"She's not seeing hers or being responsible."

How is she not being responsible? You're complaining like a kid not getting the attention that he feels he deserves. Again, it's a selfish ego thing.

You haven't read DB or DR yet, so it may be hard for you to understand the concepts so far. But the bottom line is that if you acted selfishly before, you can't really blame her for looking somewhere else to get HER NEEDS met. The only way she will look back is if you truly understand her POV and start changing. This starts by you not constantly mentioning how much YOU are hurt.

You're letting things turn into resentment. And that's exactly how the situation started in the first place. With her resenting you not listening to her. You're still not listening.

[Cadet]

Whether you blame her or not you still must do what MR Bond has said.

LET GO.

DETACH.

Start making improvements in you.

That is the formula, nothing else is going to work we can all agree on that.

[burning heart]

I haven't told her how much I hurt. I believe she knows and of course she still is.

Yes, I've been selfish. I admit that. I've been wrong. I do think she is being selfish with this. And it's not a mature thing to do. Especially on fb.

I will read the books when they arrive. Yes, I'm having trouble understanding. Not sure of next move. Other than working on myself, my issues, my problems I feel stuck.
I have admitted my faults and wrong doing and accepted them. She knows.

I'm having trouble letting go but I think in our last talk that she may feel I am trying at least.

[MrBond]

"Yes, I've been selfish. I admit that. I've been wrong. I do think she is being selfish with this."

How about you just talk about yourself and that it. When you add her being "selfish" you're keeping score. Like a little kid on a playground who says that that they were wrong BUT their friend did something worse. That doesn't exactly show humility on your part.

"And it's not a mature thing to do. Especially on fb."

And who are you to judge what is mature? That is just your OPINION. You are judging her and sounding like a parent more than a H. No one likes to be judged by someone else. Do you?

"I will read the books when they arrive. Yes, I'm having trouble understanding. Not sure of next move. Other than working on myself, my issues, my problems I feel stuck."

You haven't been working on your issues because you still blame your W. Just stick to working on yourself first and making yourself the focus.

"I have admitted my faults and wrong doing and accepted them. She knows."

But you haven't done anything to CHANGE.

"I'm having trouble letting go but I think in our last talk that she may feel I am trying at least."

You don't have to "let go". Just stop focusing on her. Understand that this is something that she feels she has to do. Stop judging her.