Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 2

[tigerlily78]

We also talked about my issues... oldest of 6 kids, had to take on a lot of responsibility and care for my siblings early on, never felt like it was okay for me to want or need something. My family often struggled with money. I would wear shoes until they fell apart or I literally could not squeeze my foot into them another day... and more often than not it was the foot squeezing. My Dad was an alcoholic, worked long hours doing seasonal work most of my childhood... so most of the summer we hardly saw him except around bedtime. I really did pick a different version of my father. Someone who was a good provider, but was also aloof and unavailable in his own way much of the time. Underlying addictive tendencies, though my H did well to avoid most of those obvious things that lead to addiction. He only drinks in moderation, never did drugs, doesn't like gambling. I would almost say his addictions are computer games and exercise and sometimes hobbies/interests. Things you can accept as normal... until the addiction came in the form of another person. He says the "intoxicating emotions" have died down... but I don't know if I believe him. I think even though he is no longer completely out of his mind delusional over her, that he has pegged his newfound confidence and good feelings on her enough that he won't ever want to give her up. It will take a long time for that to wear off, if ever. I don't know if he will ever have the capacity to be his own person and find happiness within himself for his own sake. That makes me really sad. It took him 16 years to figure out *I* couldn't make him happy. What are really the odds he will figure it out with her any quicker?

I had convinced myself that it makes me happy enough to make other people happy and well cared for... and now I find myself in the situation where the person I most wanted to make happy was not happy... and perhaps he was largely incapable of being securely happy for any extended period of time due to his own insecurities and wants/needs that went unexpressed. It is not that I would not have been willing, but that I didn't know what was needed. I seemed to be pouring my energy into plenty of things that DIDN'T work. Is it any wonder eventually I reached a point where I wondered why I was even trying?

Maybe even H didn't know what was needed well enough to ask for it. And in turn I am sure I didn't do enough to communicate my needs, but now I find myself wondering if asking would have done any good. I think I was very fearful that he wouldn't WANT to meet my needs, that certainly he would never be as selfless as me, that if I asked for things and he didn't want to meet my needs, then I would have to accept that he didn't love me as much as I wanted him to... it is entirely possible he wouldn't have cared to meet my needs all along. Who knows.

We didn't even get to my mom yet. But I see that she too was the burdened wife who tired to make someone happy, who due to the alcohol was often looking for a reason to find fault. And in time she too lost the motivation to do half the things she used to... it wasn't appreciated, why bother? There was always something to complain about. My parents didn't often have constructive conversations to solve problems or make goals, etc. Dad made the money, Mom spent the money, and then they would argue about it. I see that my H and I had also compartmentalized our household duties so it was easy to lose track of us being "partners." H likes to give instruction and not have to explain himself. I don't mind taking instruction, but know I am intelligent and insightful and I LIKE to be involved in making decisions... and if I am going to take "instruction" then I do like to understand the reasoning behind the decision being made. I don't feel like I should have to "take orders" from someone who gives advice, but rarely ever pitches in with any effort to carry out the orders, unless they can explain to me why it is worth MY effort (and my effort alone). I like to understand WHY I am doing what I am doing.

I can see now on the other side of the situation that my H felt disrespected and not trusted when I asked for an explanation of his decisions. I honestly don't think I ever asked for clarification or explanation with that INTENT, but nevertheless that is the message he was getting.

It's awful how something so simple like that leading from a difference in perspective creates such a giant sense that we were not working "cooperatively" and I think my H feels we never will be able to. He'd rather have this person in his life who worships the ground he walks on, but probably has a far lesser capability to actually carry our his plans/directions without him holding her damn hand.

I would have liked for him to give me a hand with a lot of things, but I have never NEEDED him to hold my hand... except for affection and emotional support, and he was often awkward and uncomfortable with those sorts of signs of affection, especially in public.