Eh, it was pretty uneventful. I didn't get there until late because I was stuck at the office and then in traffic. I spent some time with my ladies and then we had D4s little family B-day party: just cake and opening presents. Then it was time for the girls to do their bed-time stuff.
When I found out earlier in the day I was going to be stuck at the office late, she said not to worry about stopping off for the groceries to make the food, so I offered to make it for her this weekend instead when we have more time. She was good with that.
--- BD was 2 years ago today. I'm going to the gym at lunch and then driving out to see the girls after work.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
XW is calling and texting quite a bit. To me this seems contradictory to the conversation we had Thanksgiving evening when she stopped back by, but not contradictory to her behavior that appears to be a trend which we've chewed on a little bit here in my thread.
We've discussed a more standardized visitation schedule for both of our sanity. I can't be driving around so much and visiting the girls every night, leaving no time to take care of me or my own home and responsibilities. She doesn't mind me being there every night (she has said as much and I believe her to be honest), I just don't think it's sustainable for me going forward as a divorced man creating a life for himself and his daughters.
In addition, we discussed alternating weekends - a pretty standard arrangement. However, on HER weekends I end up spending significant time with the girls as she works on Saturday mornings and we go to church on Sundays. So I'm glad I don't really have to go an entire weekend without seeing my ladies.
The downside to this is I feel she is cake-eating some. And not that I want to impose some sort of punishment on her, but MY weekend schedule (on her weekends) is dependent upon HER work schedule, and I was thinking this weekend it would have been nice to catch up on some sleep, but I had to get up early because she leaves early. And I'm basically a free babysitter from her vantage point.
The flip-side to this is I'd rather see my girls than anything else, so though it may be cake eating for her, it's still a win for me.
So as I spoke of in the OP of this thread (last bullet point under "Notables"), boundaries seem to be the next frontier I need to address and probably already should have addressed. We certainly don't act like a divorced couple.
But that pesky trend has me thinking maybe it isn't the best time to formally establish boundaries...that maybe she is opening up to me and wanting to spend time with me and that could be a good thing: consistent positive time spent together which we both enjoy. I see the merits of not wanting to break momentum if this is that.
So yesterday, instead of sticking around her house - even to just hang with my girls - I left after lunch (kind of establishing/respecting that as HER weekend given I had the previous one). She kept texting me and calling me afterwards. I responded to a few of the texts that asked questions, but didn't answer the calls. She seemed a little perturbed and eventually asked "are you ignoring me?"
My boundary yesterday was simply that I am her ex-husband and will not be at her back and call. I watched some football and spent some quiet time to myself.
A year ago I would have been overreacting and thinking I had screwed everything up, but know I'm just wondering if setting boundaries NOW is the best idea given there might be some momentum building.
Hmmm.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
XW stated she bought me a Christmas gift, so I guess that answers the question of whether or not I should get her one.
Just to come clean: XW and I have only gone more than a month without ML...maybe once or twice in two years since BD.
I spent the night on Friday (weather was bad). D10 asked where I slept and I said "here." She said, "no...which room?" And I pointed to XW's room.
In the same regard, D4 asked me why I wasn't sleeping there tonight. Telling me she feels better when I sleep there.
Kids are smart, especially the older ones and knowing to ask where specifically I slept. Man, I don't want to mess with their heads and give them false hope.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, Is this cake-eating? XW gets to have this weird no-responsibility relationship with you, feels better about the kids, gets a booty call occasionally, even sleepovers.
You even said yourself XW does it to feel better or something. Since BD was 2011, what do you see in 2015?
PM, Is this cake-eating? XW gets to have this weird no-responsibility relationship with you, feels better about the kids, gets a booty call occasionally, even sleepovers.
It certainly sounds like it.
Is this cake eating? I get to have this weird, no-responsibility relationship with her, see the kids MUCH more often than the divorce decree states, get a booty call occasionally, even sleepovers.
Originally Posted By: Jonf
Since BD was 2011, what do you see in 2015?
I don't have any expectations.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
This is an example of the trend I'm talking about.
Tonight we needed to switch vehicles so I could pick up one of the kid's Christmas presents that wouldn't fit in my car, but would in her van. I left work and stopped by her work for the switch. She asked me to come inside and say "hi" instead of just taking the van (we both have keys to each other's vehicles so no interaction necessary).
I tuck the kids in tonight, she gets home from work, so it's time for me to go. She came in for a hug before I left. 10 minutes later she sends me a text saying "it was good to see you tonight".
This is the behavior I'm seeing more of, very often... almost typical. And I'm not initiating it.
She'll get up to sit on my lap while watching tv together (not to initiate sex). She'll grab my hand while telling me a story. She'll tell me what I'm wearing looks nice or that I look "good" or "muscular." She'll smell me during a hug and say she misses my smell.
It's different than two years ago or a year ago or nine months ago. She's reaching out.
I don't think I need to change what seems to be working, I just think it may be a poor time to officially set boundaries and create distance. If the situation regresses, then maybe that changes things.
I'm open to opinions. Please and thank you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Bro. At some point, I would ask her out and see how that develops.
And hell, no wonder you're Patientman. You've been getting some action on the side.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
PM, I don't know what to say. I know that there are those on this forum who would say this is cake eating, you need to set boundaries, stop having sex with her, etc. But I honestly think that each person needs to follow his or her gut sometimes. WASs do likely have a lot in common, but they are not all wired exactly the same. Our connections with our spouses are not all the same, and not all spouses will react the same way to the things we do.
It seems to me that your W still loves you. That you still love her. And beyond that, who knows. Your W probably doesn't know. To me, "cake eating" is something that is more intentional. For example, H leaves W because he decides he wants to live the single life, no regrets, thinks it's great, intends to D his W. But knows that W is still pining away over him and wants some action, so booty calls her. Or, another example - W is having an A but isn't entirely sure it's going to work out, so she keeps stringing along her H to make sure that she can choose which one she wants if she has to. I guess you can define cake eating however you want, but to me, there is a bad/selfish intention on the part of the cake eater. And for some reason, I choose to believe that your W has no bad intentions in this regard.
I don't know. Maybe it's because my sitch isn't *that* different from yours, or because I think PM is a great guy and I am rooting for him, but I just want to say, keep it up. Don't view her coming towards you as a time to back off or set boundaries. Let it happen and see where it goes.
Just my $.02.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
And the squirrel starts to feel safe, she starts to trust…
Do what works, trust your gut.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
