Been pretty dim for the last week or so. Made the mistake of saying ILY over Thanksgiving. She had given me a little touch and go. (My first experience with that.). My words resulted in spew and reminder if how she feels. I have really avoided initiating any conversation, but not being cold. If she has anything to say, I stop and listen. If not, I'm on about my business. She tried to get a rise out of me a couple of times this week. Not biting. Working on my own weeds.
Why can't I forgive myself for being a bad son when my father got sick? I held anger for his dropping the ball after mom left. I remember telling W one time that Dad had the chance to be my hero, my everything when mom left. I know more if what he was going through now. I feel so awful for my actions. I visited his grave last weekend for only the 3rd or 4th time since he died in 2007. I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. He loved me very much and I miss him incredibly. I'll never be able to fix that one. I have forgiven him for being so confused and lost. I must find a way to forgive myself. That's hard.
I seem to carry around lots of regret for things I've said, done, or not done over the years. I hold onto guilt for a long time. This is one of my weeds. I must find a way to let go if things. I am not perfect.
I've gotta find a way to talk to my mother about why she left. I can tell she's noticed the distance and strangeness between me and W. Maybe a talk with her can give me insight into what's going on with W and allow me to heal.
I've got lots of work to do. I don't have time to watch W's actions and analyze her.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
