So W comes home with the boys after bball practice while I'm working on outside decorations. S10 hollers from the van "Hey Daddy." W says " What are you doing?" Such is my life.
I refrain from responding, "WTF does it look like I'm doing, baking a fruitcake?"
When W comes in, she goes to working. Helps S10 go through his clothes and clean up his room, puts up all her clothes, cleans off the kitchen table. Weird. Funny thing is, her doggie that I've mentioned has given up on her, was upstairs with her the whole time she was working. I think she must have quit and laid down to text/FB because he just came down to snuggle under a blanket with me.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
They have learned that all of us are flawed individuals but they are learning the tools to deal with it.
Quote:
The urge to let everyone know what W has done and continues to do is strong
Yes. And it will be for a long time. Don't give it airspace. That's ego-anger. Your ego was hurt and you're fighting with it. See the next item...
Quote:
Actually, it might not even matter. That would be giving yourself too much credit. She may (and I have no idea as I am not her) not really even give a chit. Bottom line, she will FIND or CREATE ways to be angry at you. She has too. It justifies her actions.
When it comes down to it, you both played a "role" and you both own the success or failure. In the end, it really doesn't matter - it just is what it is and what it becomes. As a man, you have to be the leader - good or bad. We're wired that way as humans regardless if you fight it or not. The "roles" are strong and difficult to break away from.
Read Eric's post again. He did a nice job of summarizing the journey for him and what it means. The various perspectives and especially those of his kids. They need somebody to show them how to handle it and let's face it...you're nominated. Good thing you're up to the challenge.
Your W is trying to figure things out. Let her. She'll do it her way whether you're involved in that or not. But don't give in to the temptation to fight back. It's strong, but don't do it. You'll be glad you didn't and you'll be glad you showed your kids how to handle lifes challenges with grace and dignity. That's a priceless gift only you can give them.
The truth will come out in time. Your W is trying to control it. She'll have to learn just like you do. You can't help but you can delay things. Don't worry about the truth - it really does come out later. I can attest to that as well as can many on this board.
Peace,
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Been pretty dim for the last week or so. Made the mistake of saying ILY over Thanksgiving. She had given me a little touch and go. (My first experience with that.). My words resulted in spew and reminder if how she feels. I have really avoided initiating any conversation, but not being cold. If she has anything to say, I stop and listen. If not, I'm on about my business. She tried to get a rise out of me a couple of times this week. Not biting. Working on my own weeds.
Why can't I forgive myself for being a bad son when my father got sick? I held anger for his dropping the ball after mom left. I remember telling W one time that Dad had the chance to be my hero, my everything when mom left. I know more if what he was going through now. I feel so awful for my actions. I visited his grave last weekend for only the 3rd or 4th time since he died in 2007. I just wanted to tell him I was sorry. He loved me very much and I miss him incredibly. I'll never be able to fix that one. I have forgiven him for being so confused and lost. I must find a way to forgive myself. That's hard.
I seem to carry around lots of regret for things I've said, done, or not done over the years. I hold onto guilt for a long time. This is one of my weeds. I must find a way to let go if things. I am not perfect.
I've gotta find a way to talk to my mother about why she left. I can tell she's noticed the distance and strangeness between me and W. Maybe a talk with her can give me insight into what's going on with W and allow me to heal.
I've got lots of work to do. I don't have time to watch W's actions and analyze her.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
Ah, J, guilt and worrying - I got medals in both of those. Just ask Mach. LOL!
The thing about hanging onto guilt is that it doesnt change anything. It is using energy better spent on you.
You did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time. Had you known better, you would have done better.
You could not understand your father's actions at the time. Now you can. As you said, you're human.
Holding onto that stuff stops you from moving forward. It weighs you down.
Forgive yourself, J. Learn your lessons. Do better now and let it go.
Oh, since I went through all this stuff with these boys, I am an honorary member of the ole boys club. Let em try to take my membership away. I dare 'em.
You could not understand your father's actions at the time. Now you can. As you said, you're human.
J, this understanding ^^^^^, this will serve you well soon, if you develop it, really dig into it. Please do so, you will need it, as there is coming a time when that understanding ^^^^, that humanness, you will need to get you to the next level regarding things such as OM's, etc.
Let me know if I can help there, sometimes I'm pretty good at explaining the psychological drivers for behavior, other times, not so much, especially when one of my cats is insisting the keyboard is his to command, like right now...
Oh, I'm post 105, it's that new thread time again...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
