Suckerpunch (the process)

[swoop]

Just checking in and doing a little journaling:

Recently, I noticed a couple posts on Facebook that Wife had commented on. This is rare, because she has me completely blocked, even though she remains friends with some of my family members and mutual friends. It's weird, but I don't pay it much attention for the most part. However, I broke down and snooped on W Facebook page after seeing this. I saw LOTs and LOTs of posts and picture with OM. Wife is currently living with OM. Daughter lives there as well during her time. Daughter even has her own bedroom there, decorated up in her style. At first it kind of bothered me that W has progressed SOOOO far into this new relationship. They are living like husband and wife, and including my daughter and their families into the mix. After a bit, I realized I wasn't really all that mad. Wife looked happy in most of the pics, although she does look weathered and tired as well. I caught a few smiles from daughter. There are other kids that live in the home (not OM's), that daughter seems fond of. Some of their new friends look like fun people. I actually found a little peace in knowing that they seemed somewhat happy. With that said, I found myself feeling a little more relieved than upset. Who knows, maybe I am really starting to detach for real?

I don't really know what to do with my situation anymore. It is clear that the marriage is completely dead and there will be no reconciling. So, what do I do now? Why am I still focused on W in a lot of my thoughts? I have recently started dating. Work has been good. I am able to manage my finances and survive at this point, "kind of". I feel I have made some really good gains in my personal growth, and I will continue to work on myself. Life is seemingly moving forward, but it still feels somewhat empty on the inside. I laugh. I enjoy time with friends, but I just don't ever feel complete. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to change that.....

[AnotherStander]

Who knows, maybe I am really starting to detach for real?

Yeah, it sounds like it! That's a good sign! I had a similar realization when I was at a flea market with a couple of my kids and saw W with OM there. I just said "hello" to them and shook OM's hand (I've casually known him since well before BD). Later when I reflected back on it I was kind of surprised at how ambivalent I was about seeing them together.

I don't really know what to do with my situation anymore. It is clear that the marriage is completely dead and there will be no reconciling. So, what do I do now?

Survive, then thrive

Why am I still focused on W in a lot of my thoughts? I have recently started dating. Work has been good. I am able to manage my finances and survive at this point, "kind of".

Give yourself more time, it wasn't that long ago that you were still dealing with a lot of anger and resentment over your sitch. It sounds like you're healing, but it's not an overnight process nor is it linear.

Life is seemingly moving forward, but it still feels somewhat empty on the inside. I laugh. I enjoy time with friends, but I just don't ever feel complete. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to change that.....

I know exactly what you mean. It's gotten a lot better for me over time, but yes, I do still have that feeling of not being "complete". I can't remember how long you were M'd, but it was 20 years plus 4 or 5 of being together before that before BD happened for me. It's a huge, HUGE adjustment going from 25 years of codependence to being single again, so it's no surprise that it might take years to come to full acceptance of the "new normal".

[PatientMan]

I feel I have made some really good gains in my personal growth, and I will continue to work on myself. Life is seemingly moving forward, but it still feels somewhat empty on the inside. I laugh. I enjoy time with friends, but I just don't ever feel complete. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to change that.....

Do you have any religious beliefs?

-PM

[swoop]

Thanks, As. Good words, and I suppose deep down I know everything you said will be true. I am just so impatient for things to change drastically in my feelings of happiness. I guess I need to wait a little longer and keep my growth moving forward. I am getting there, but its soooo slow!

Do you have any religious beliefs?

-PM

I do...kind of.
I belong to a church, which I need to spend more Sundays attending. My Mom was born and raised Catholic, but my Dad had no real religious beliefs that I know of. We never discussed religion, and we didn't attend church when I was growing up. Therefore I don't have much background or knowledge of the Bible. So, I am also part of a small group that focuses on Bible study. We meet every Sunday night throughout fall and winter. Here is the thing. I am not 100% sure of my faith, at least not yet. I accepted God into my life not long ago. I looked to God a lot early on in my sitch, praying very often that My marriage would survive this. I asked for strength. I mean I know there is something, a "higher power", we can call it for now. I am just not totally sure what I believe.

[PatientMan]

I took an almost decade long hiatus from "church" because I see so much wrong with so many churches that do not reflect what Christianity teaches. I never had my faith waiver, but I certainly questioned some things, especially organized religion. I can certainly see a lot of hypocrisy in the standard "Christian" church and its members as it and they exist today, and can understand the turn-off of this hypocrisy.

I eventually found out I had to find the right church for me. I need a pastor that connects with me, motivates me, and convicts me, and it's important that there is a solid kids program. I was lucky enough to have friends who provided guidance as well.

I also listen to podcasts from pastors who I like.

Obviously I'm biased, but I encourage you to seek out the truth. And run away from churches who aren't teaching it.

The search can be a very daunting task. Let me know if I can be of any assistance, especially with something as easy as recommending a particular podcast.

-PM

[jp787]

I took an almost decade long hiatus from "church" because I see so much wrong with so many churches that do not reflect what Christianity teaches. I never had my faith waiver, but I certainly questioned some things, especially organized religion. I can certainly see a lot of hypocrisy in the standard "Christian" church and its members as it and they exist today, and can understand the turn-off of this hypocrisy.

I eventually found out I had to find the right church for me. I need a pastor that connects with me, motivates me, and convicts me, and it's important that there is a solid kids program. I was lucky enough to have friends who provided guidance as well.

I also listen to podcasts from pastors who I like.

Obviously I'm biased, but I encourage you to seek out the truth. And run away from churches who aren't teaching it.

The search can be a very daunting task. Let me know if I can be of any assistance, especially with something as easy as recommending a particular podcast.

-PM

PM,

thanks for this post, it makes me feel better about how I see things.


AS,
I like listening to Joel Osteen, I don’t even look at what church is belongs to, but he comes across to me more as a motivational speaker than preacher.

[AnotherStander]

I belong to a church, which I need to spend more Sundays attending.

You don't -need- to do that. If you -want- to that's fine, but don't feel obligated. I've spent a lot of time in churches, but the best convo's I've had with God were late at night, or riding a motorcycle, or hiking in the woods. My beliefs are similar to PM's, I am a believer but I am VERY skeptical of organized religion and the negative, pessimistic views they teach about humanity. They want us to feel nothing but guilt over the way we live our lives because nothing we do can match up to the standard Jesus lived by.

My sitch has radically altered how I view God, I no longer see him as a Santa Claus that doles out prayer answers to the "faithful". Our lives are infinitely complex and beyond our understanding, and sometimes what we think is best is perhaps not so. For example, I prayed probably a dozen times a day for a year or more for my marriage to be saved. And yet here I am, waiting for the D papers to arrive. Why didn't God answer those prayers? Probably because I misunderstood his nature. I don't believe in him any less because of my sitch, but I now know that it's a waste of time for me to try to figure out how to make him meet MY needs.

So, I am also part of a small group that focuses on Bible study.

I think that's great, I've read it cover-to-cover and most parts multiple times. But just remember, the Bible is a different message for each person. If you hear opinions expressed in Bible study (or from the pulpit) that you don't agree with, just keep in mind that they are "opinions" even though many people (including pastors) will try to cram it down your throat as fact.

[swoop]

It never fails to amaze me how easily emotions can be spun. This whole process can't be described with a better word than, "rollercoaster". Whom ever tagged it that, was spot on!

So, I just passed W in traffic, well, I thought it was W. It actually turned out to be OM driving, with W in the passenger seat. That actually caught me off guard and gave my heart a little twing! It kind of sucked to see OM driving the car that I bought for W. Then I realized, not only were they together, they were heading to pick D7 up from school together. "A happy little family". Then of course, they would return to OM's house where they all live in the next town over. That actually STUNG. I thought, "hey that's my car, my Wife, My daughter!

Luckily, my detachment has really began setting in for real. I simply told myself that I have bigger and better things brewing, no time to worry about that stuff......moving on!

[Spartan]

That's all you can do SP, keep moving on. Sounds like you're doing ok, just be patient and let things work out like they're supposed to for you.

I've been all over the spectrum with churches from being crazy 3 times a week to having stuff happen in a church with a youth pastor (not with me) where my whole faith was rocked. Thankfully about 3 years ago I found the right church for me with a good kids program and a strong men's ministry that I'm now a part of. Getting the right church and small group has been a huge part of helping me move forward.

[labug]

Hey Sp, I'm sure that did irritate a sore spot.

You handled it.

What else is going on for you?