It is well with my soul

[ForeverYoung]

I was going to suggest grunting back, but I see job beat me to it. Keeping some banana's on hand to offer him when appropriate might prove quite comical too. At some point you just have to have some fun with it all or it gets to be too much.

Is H still doing the cooking? Is he working on any projects?

[RosaLinda]

Bananas! Now there's a thought FY, LOL! Yes, H does all the cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, and some of the cleaning. Plus the traditional guy stuff like maintaining the cars and mowing, snow shoveling. He's slowly completibg the femce he started last summer. He does pull his weight. He just doesn't .....like me I guess

[JuneReN]

Pittsburgh is drivable..... just sayin'

[uRworthy]

Hey Kate, we are going to make that drive one day. Its about 6 hours from me. Definitely doable. Just need to figure out the best time to go and all.

[job]

If the old digestive system is out of whack, give him some prunes or prune juice. It does work wonders. Then again, if he likes brownies or chocolate cookies, you could always add a bit of ex-lax to the mix. All of the suggestions what to serve him will definitely give him something to grunt about later! LOL!

[LoisB]

He!!, grind up some Prozac and add that too!!

[BrightFuture]

Hi Rosa, it great to see you online. I feel for you. It is still amazes me that you are able to stand for this long. And I completely understand how difficult it is to progress in the detachment while your H is still doing all the “normal” things around the house, but ignores you.

By the way you had a lot of good things to report. It is wonderful that you will have your sister and family coming to see you. And how exciting that the field trip is in plans!

I like job’s idea to add some prune juice to his diet. It would be the best right before his Skype session, LOL.

I would also walk over his feet when he is sitting on the couch and then apologized “sorry, I didn’t notice you were here”.

[MileHigh]

Whew, I was expecting (...yes I know ) an intervention. Actually it might be a great idea. I have come to realize I truly need a LOT of help. I can just picture you all in a line with 2x4s in hand

Prepare to run the intervention gauntlet!!!!

[Feenix]

RL,

Rosa, you have been a kind, loving and giving w to your h, but as you can see, he's getting worse, not better, so you need to start making some changes and those changes are for you. If you fix a meal and he doesn't come to the table on time, don't wait on him. If you are invited somewhere and he doesn't make a move to go, don't wait on him. If he's got laundry that needs to be done, don't do it. If he asks you why you haven't done it...GRUNT! That's the new language from the Mother Planet. No more special favors. He goes to pick up his prescriptions, etc. If he wants to act like a total @ss, then give him something to truly grunt about. It's time he realized that you are not his mother or his maid.

Rosa, dear sweet one...I hope this doesn't sound hypocritical coming from me....cause we all know I keep putting up with a lot of spewing and BS from my H...but you need to listen to job...and others!

You are so sweet and loving and wonderful. I read your sitch and think "wow....he is such an @$$ to her"...

You need to start doing things for YOU! Others here have posted some great stuff for you to do to get your dignity and respect back. You are NOT his maid or mother!

You need to stand up for yourself a bit. I know uR has been encouraging you to shake things up a bit...and that is an excellent idea!

Your H needs to see that, while you are standing for your marriage, you are NOT going to stand for his hateful, rude behavior toward you.

It's a struggle...trust me, I KNOW! Lol. We walk that fine line between being sweet, warm, friendly, loving, etc....and yet, needing to be firm and strong, too.

You CAN do this. Your H needs to see the strong, courageous Rosa that we all see. You deserve to be treated with some respect.

And, yes, RT is USELESS. Do not let her occupy another second of your time in any way.

[nero]

hey hi-

well, when the group arrives AT YOUR FRONT for the intervention- i'll Be there with a plate of cupcakes & glass of milk (comfort food) (thinking food) -

i'm not sure what my position is on all advice above- probably all good and worth following- does it change that you're laid too low in this mess??? does it make ya laugh instead of cry tonite when you see some stupid christmas commercial that tugs at your heart and makes you remember alllllll those great moments - nawwwwww... I MEAN I'M SURE you'd like to- i would too - BUTTTT - IN REALITY -----

imho- it's a waiting game. you had the (good fortune? / misfortune?) to have your h reappear for a bit- suck you into thinking it could be possible (who wouldn't) and then scurry back into his particular black abyss - - - - leaving you back almost at square one - (shudder shudder) SO YOU HAVE some additional unfortunate extenuating circumstance there- i think.

I do also think that you still standing shows alot of endurance & inner strength for you to be MAKING THAT DECISION - despite the misery it's entailing. that being said - (it's a fine line between "standing" and "hoping" -i get that)

anyway- sooooooo today i'm hving some perspective switch here a bit- WHAT IF the real issue here - our own pain aside -

JUST WHAT IF - we should be considering the inside man of our Hs? what if this is alllll about - what was always there- but maybe never was "tested"...??? what if this is allll about their inner steel rod (or lack thereof) ???

what if these guys we always respected and loved - now find - when their "chips" are down (emotional trauma faced ) that they are more "runners" than "stand and fighters". does it matter to us? (it seems like it should - who they are - really) we're getting the awful fallout- but who & what are we fighting for? (i know our own happiness & "life" with them seems like something huge & important) (what if it's just in our imagination now?) this seems to be something i should know- but can't fathom really- then shove aside for a day when i feel like exhausting myself contemplating the ways of the universe)

do we care if they are not the man we thought they were? LET ME SAY THAT BETTER- NOT THE PERSON WE THOUGHT THEY WERE. NOT THE HUMAN BEING WE THOUGHT THEY WERE?

geeez - he just came back in for his glasses- i totally lost my train of thought-

when i was in nj and didn't answer the phone for four days- when he was seeing ow & then back home trying to call - and he said (whatta surprise - he speaks!!!) he knew he didn't have a right to say it- but he missed talking to me and there'd be a giant hole in his life if i disappeared out of it.

so- see, i do get it. absence makes the heart grow fonder. but then, mwd says go around being our old wonderful selves. if we're giving kinda person - be it. if we're fun - be it, etc. if we are the sort people see as a stinking "rock" - be it.

BE WHO WE ARE- i feel myself more detached in sense that i don't look at him and feel any sort of flood of love. idk what i feel. i'm trying to fight feeling really bad , critical things.

i'm not having to fight a flood of love- it doesn't happen. i don't feel desire- I JUST DON'T FEEL like running either tho?!!

do you think they sense our feelings? and growing (tho small to the rest of the world) detachment. idk- mwd says in books - if you've said it once - don't repeat it. he heard it- know that and stfu. she gives them alot of credit in that -

how much credit do we give them/? DO WE JUST go on bombing around being exactly who the heck we are??? if so- then we just go around being who we are and as that changes - less dependent on their happiness for our happiness - and what? assume they are just breathing it in and beginning to see what they're creating here????.

am i merely making excuses for my own slow progress (in the eyes of "the world") -?? idk am i more detached thru sheer exhaustion of feeling bad ( yeah) - so i'm trying to not allow my bad feelings to hold me back- even in small things- just override the urge to "home" and go out whenever possible. i'm doing it- i get it that it could just become reality by making it habit and going from there. my habits are changing- my social life outside the house is 50 times what it was when he's NOT around- it's maybe 25% different when he is. i just take advantage of whatever it is i have easiest around- if he's being good company i take it. if not- i go somewhere else.

i can see my progress - short of walking out the door it is not "enough" for anyone i know that (says they) like me. sometimes it's not enough for me- i'm tring to get a peace with what and who i am aobut that- or else i can't sleep) i can see the judgement ooooooz out of a couple of my sisters. they can't disguise their disgust with my "mammby pamby-ness". some friends - they "get" the difficulty of turning your back on 38 yrs of total immersion in a life and a person - but i'm sure they feel impatience too. God knows i do too - sooooo what????

i'm just sayin- my impatience, their impatience , my sort of progress thru this stinkin process - my fall down 234 get up 235 -

like, maybe it alllllll matters? ORRRRR maybe it all does not MATTER one bit. maybe thinking it alllll does not matter one bit (what i do, what he do) is the VERY THING that will help me grow in my detachment from outcome and from emotional entanglement WITH HIM & his happiness - in his mlc.

maybe - like i have a sneaking suspicion that in life- in teh universe - it all really (honestly) does not matter. we do this, they do that, that if we continue to stay alive and endeavor to not suffer today- to just acknowledge "nothing bad is happening rite this minute - for now i'm okay) about a million times a day- is just a habit-building technique to reinforce our okay-ed-ness continually- until it sticks????

you see what i mean? or was it all - well, more lint in the dryer?

idk- i'm outta here- lots to do , no time to do it allll in - etc. so, if time flies by soooo quickly- i gotta be having fun rite???