What a day!!!

I did some awesome teaching today. Simply awesome. I taught how to add rational numbers, figure out rates, multiply fractions, spelling, Ancient Greece, learned about Tolkien and The Hobbit and how Tolkien worked for the Oxford English Dictionary *the OED for those in the know* and the list goes on and on... Good day, good teaching, feel like I provided a great service today.

And, I have a pile of checks to deposit... :-)

My gut is still churning and I need to face whatever it is that made me spin today.

What I resist, will persist.

I have good instincts. Really good instincts. And, it's not unusual for my instincts to give me a clear warning sign when something wicked my way comes. I got that feeling today.

Now, before everybody pulls out the two x fours, I sense a disturbance in the force. I sense somethings moving and changing. It's scary.

What do I sense? I sense my inlaws embracing Smokey's new life. I sense them doing what they always do...enabling his addiction and blaming me. And, no, Job, I'm sure Smokey is still lying up a storm to them. Lying is his way of life, it's the way of his addiction. This is where his addiction controls his mouth and not his MLC.

I sense H embracing his new life and either truly feeling some contentment in it or maybe convincing himself that he's finally found the answer to his unhappiness. That's what I sense. My inlaws are miserable, mean people and I can see them being nasty about D19 and me and D11 and running the whole gamut. They are not nice--to put it mildly.

Part of what scares me is there harsh opinion. I need to prepare myself in case they begin to try to control a dissolution, if that happens--they are very ignorant about Asperger's and feel D11 and I have this unhealthy relationship. They feel deeply, strongly, vehemently that D11 needs to be in public school and I'm avoiding work by keeping her home. That's part of what scares me. But, I'm not going to run away with this fear. My FIL was the former domestic relations judge. So, it's scary to me when the inlaws and Smokey are on good terms.

Oh, but I don't think I ever told you guys how I DID send a nice Christmas card with a lovely apology to MIL. I apologized for dropping the ball on thank you's and told them thank you for the gifts they had given over the years.

Anyway, then, there's the hurt. The hurt that I've been cast aside. But, he!!, they had invited the OW over a mere four months after H moved out.

And, I sense Smokey being very, very distant and trying hard to keep me at a distance. Or, wanting me to just stay the he!! away. It hurts.

So, here's the paradigm shift.

My inlaws are truly sh!tty people. They have abandoned their grandchildren and been absolute A$$holes through all of this. They have chosen, again, to enable their sad, sick son and may very well like the OW better than me.

And, guess what? That says a lot about them, if that's the case. They are mean. I don't like them and haven't liked them for a long, long time. I feel like they wanted this marriage to end for a long time now. My MIL is a sad lady and I removed myself gradually from seeing them. I dislike my BIL, don't care for my SIL, have little to no respect for MIL or FIL. They have shown their true colors in this crisis and I'm really disgusted by how they have acted--especially in terms of their grandchildren. The just dropped them like hot potatoes.

We went to a counselor as a family--about six months after the BD. The grandparents had cut off the girls. They hadn't spoken to them because they bought everything that H was selling. He had told them that I was keeping them away and so forth. Well, the counselor said that, in 30 years of counseling, she had never seen grandparents react so miserable in a divorce/separation. She couldn't believe it.

Anyway...the reality is and has been for a long time. I don't like them and don't want them in my life. I find them petty, mean and horrible. So, I guess this isn't the end of the world.

I've often thought that H struggled, in his own head, which side to pick. Not that I ever asked him to pick, but his family is sick and really like his addiction. I don't. They are toxic.

It's very likely he will choose to live the rest of his life in denial, just as his family does. Maybe that's what's so sad hurtful. To them, I'm some crazy woman who calls their son an addict and say their grandchild has Asperger's. I'm nuts as far as they are concerned. And, H, wants, more than anything else in this world, to make them happy.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson