The following is a work in progress. I need to condense. I'm working on it. I just don't want each post I write to have the situation staring at me at the bottom. Trying to move forward but keep the facts at the beginning of each thread.
Me 45 H: 47 D11 (Asperger's) D19 College Married 22 years Together 24 H (Smokey Joe has MaryJane habit beginning when he was 12) Had 2 years clean and sober in NA when we married--Smokey has off/on again habit thru marriage and leaves family to party from time to time--3 months here/4 months the longest about 15 years ago. Almost filed.
Jan/Feb 2012 H (Smokey Joe) moves out after I discover EA thanks to cell phone bill. I ask him to leave.
Spring 2012 thru Summer 2012 Smokey very, very angry. Blames me for lack of income, unclean house. Blames D19 for being obnoxious. Blames me for not allowing D11 to go to public school. Memorial Day "steals" play Jeep from garage while we aren't home. Disappears from our lives almost completely by summer.
July 2012 Catch Smokey Joe and OW (aka. MaryJane) because OUR old Jeep CJ is broken down on the side of the road. D10 is with me. We were on our way to fireworks. OW is person we know through friends. On disability for psychological condition, history of drug abuse. Cheated on husband (rumored) several affairs before her husband divorced her.
August 2012 PA confirmed. Smokey living with MaryJane in apt which he found for her. FB pics show up of trips the couple have taken.
September 2012 Smokey goes very, very dark.
October 2012 D19 goes to jail for two days after assaulting me. Smokey can't be reached for nearly 24 hours.
November 2012 Smokey misses us. Still living with MaryJane
November/December 2012 contacts all three of us daily. December 25 invites MaryJane for Christmas with his parents--lies to everyone about it. D19 figures it out and confronts H. He comes over with tail between legs apologizing and very sorry for hurt he has caused.
Jan 2013 Smokey is convinced his job is the cause of his bad behavior and depression. Comes to house more and more. Wants to spend the night. Spends the night here and there, but D's don't like it and become very angry with me for allowing him in the house and my bedroom.
By February he has new job after 20 years in same place. Says he wants to get away from OW and crowd of using friends. His new job takes him 90 minutes away. I help with resume, apt finding, apt deposit...He considers rehab. Starts IC.
Feb/March 2013 Smokey in IC. Maintains daily contact with me. Wants to work on R. Contacting me for support and talking. Talks about the future, growing old together, making some plans...
Smokey showed up in the middle of the night in January. He said he had been doing that since he left home. He would walk the yard around 3 a.m. I let him sleep on the couch that night. He said, "There's nothing fake about you."
Valentine's Day Card about marriage and understanding that sometimes loving someone means sticking it out even when you may not want to. Sweet.
Mother's Day 2013 Smokey surprises me with flowers, cards and lots of happiness to see me.
Stops IC "because of insurance switch"
Begins to give me inconsistent support payments. Timing of payments is scattered.
May through end of June 2013 Coming by the house almost every weekend. But, not liking it when I make a comment about how he seems to be enjoying our company and being at home.
June 2013 We drove to see him for Father's Day. He was a bit distant, but proud to show us around his new plant. He didn't show us his apartment and the girls were wondering about that. Still, nice breakfast as a family.
June 2013 Went to D19 College Orientation. Strange day. Really sensed something was up. Smokey had the whole weekend free but drove home like a bat outta he!! Very distant from me. No hugs or anything. Tense car ride. Girls were very disappointed. They thought he was going to stay for the weekend. We had been feeling more like a family with seeing him every weekend.
Still says he misses me. Still maintaining contact daily.
July 2013 Mortgage falls behind again. Smokey still playing games with the support payments. After a year of consistent deposits, he now owes me money and isn't giving me support on time or in the agreed upon amounts.
Smokey is working crazy shifts and obviously very stressed. Says the grass isn't greener, referring to the job. Feels like he made a mistake. End of August, he is disappearing from our lives again. I panic.
End of July 2013 I send a nasty text. He calls me to respond and seems genuinely concerned I'm pulling away again. He makes an effort to make some peace.
July 24, 2013 I call him after not hearing from him for days. I sense the second BD coming. Very weird conversation. He says he's been "in his head again." Sounds like he is going to give me the second ILYBDLY
I write a scathing email which lists the money I've spent on college for D19 and refers to his lack of support and the money he owes me. He has, at this point, contributed nothing to graduation or college. I tell him I want no further contact unless it's about money.
August 2013 Find out he has paid $3,000 to pay off his truck. Sense OW is back in the picture. Find out from him in September/October she moved into his apt in August.
September/October 2012 House almost forecloses. I modify the loan.
October 2013 D19 and D11 confront Smokey. He stays and takes it for 2 hours. Very vacant look in his eyes. D11 says after, "Dad doesn't know who he is."
November 2013 I've stopped contacting, begging, pleading, pursuing. Giving H distance an space. He is living with OW.
December 2013 Working on Me.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Here's what I learned. Worrying about something has no affect. None. All it does is use up energy better spent on you.
Took me a long time to figure that out. I was a world class worrier. Got a medal in it.
The thing is that you have no control over anyone else. What your h says to your inlaws. What they say. What they think about the ow.
This is what I have learned. Either people know who I am of they dont. If they choose to believe something that isnt true, well, then they dont know me and that is their problem and their loss.
So, I am thinking that you have enough to worry about without worrying about that stuff.
Doesnt serve you well. Doesnt help the sitch. Doesnt change a thing. What is going to happen, is going to happen. Best to let all that go.
You find you. You figure out you. Leave everyone else to themselves.
Put that stuff out of your head. That gives others control. Take it back.
I read what you wrote about your mother and how that affected you.
I got to thinking about how all this may affect my son as an adult, as a parent, in a marriage.
I tried to handle it with strength and courage. I knew that I never wanted him to feel that he had to take care of me or worry about me. I wanted him to live his life, be with his friends, follow his dreams.
He has thanked me for that.
I promised myself I would not ever do anything to cause harm to his relationship with his dad.
I pray it was enough. I hope he looks back and sees that his mom didnt let this break her or define her life.
I did some awesome teaching today. Simply awesome. I taught how to add rational numbers, figure out rates, multiply fractions, spelling, Ancient Greece, learned about Tolkien and The Hobbit and how Tolkien worked for the Oxford English Dictionary *the OED for those in the know* and the list goes on and on... Good day, good teaching, feel like I provided a great service today.
And, I have a pile of checks to deposit... :-)
My gut is still churning and I need to face whatever it is that made me spin today.
What I resist, will persist.
I have good instincts. Really good instincts. And, it's not unusual for my instincts to give me a clear warning sign when something wicked my way comes. I got that feeling today.
Now, before everybody pulls out the two x fours, I sense a disturbance in the force. I sense somethings moving and changing. It's scary.
What do I sense? I sense my inlaws embracing Smokey's new life. I sense them doing what they always do...enabling his addiction and blaming me. And, no, Job, I'm sure Smokey is still lying up a storm to them. Lying is his way of life, it's the way of his addiction. This is where his addiction controls his mouth and not his MLC.
I sense H embracing his new life and either truly feeling some contentment in it or maybe convincing himself that he's finally found the answer to his unhappiness. That's what I sense. My inlaws are miserable, mean people and I can see them being nasty about D19 and me and D11 and running the whole gamut. They are not nice--to put it mildly.
Part of what scares me is there harsh opinion. I need to prepare myself in case they begin to try to control a dissolution, if that happens--they are very ignorant about Asperger's and feel D11 and I have this unhealthy relationship. They feel deeply, strongly, vehemently that D11 needs to be in public school and I'm avoiding work by keeping her home. That's part of what scares me. But, I'm not going to run away with this fear. My FIL was the former domestic relations judge. So, it's scary to me when the inlaws and Smokey are on good terms.
Oh, but I don't think I ever told you guys how I DID send a nice Christmas card with a lovely apology to MIL. I apologized for dropping the ball on thank you's and told them thank you for the gifts they had given over the years.
Anyway, then, there's the hurt. The hurt that I've been cast aside. But, he!!, they had invited the OW over a mere four months after H moved out.
And, I sense Smokey being very, very distant and trying hard to keep me at a distance. Or, wanting me to just stay the he!! away. It hurts.
So, here's the paradigm shift.
My inlaws are truly sh!tty people. They have abandoned their grandchildren and been absolute A$$holes through all of this. They have chosen, again, to enable their sad, sick son and may very well like the OW better than me.
And, guess what? That says a lot about them, if that's the case. They are mean. I don't like them and haven't liked them for a long, long time. I feel like they wanted this marriage to end for a long time now. My MIL is a sad lady and I removed myself gradually from seeing them. I dislike my BIL, don't care for my SIL, have little to no respect for MIL or FIL. They have shown their true colors in this crisis and I'm really disgusted by how they have acted--especially in terms of their grandchildren. The just dropped them like hot potatoes.
We went to a counselor as a family--about six months after the BD. The grandparents had cut off the girls. They hadn't spoken to them because they bought everything that H was selling. He had told them that I was keeping them away and so forth. Well, the counselor said that, in 30 years of counseling, she had never seen grandparents react so miserable in a divorce/separation. She couldn't believe it.
Anyway...the reality is and has been for a long time. I don't like them and don't want them in my life. I find them petty, mean and horrible. So, I guess this isn't the end of the world.
I've often thought that H struggled, in his own head, which side to pick. Not that I ever asked him to pick, but his family is sick and really like his addiction. I don't. They are toxic.
It's very likely he will choose to live the rest of his life in denial, just as his family does. Maybe that's what's so sad hurtful. To them, I'm some crazy woman who calls their son an addict and say their grandchild has Asperger's. I'm nuts as far as they are concerned. And, H, wants, more than anything else in this world, to make them happy.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh Ur, I KNOW you have done right by your son. Don't question it for a minute.
My mom gave into the fear. She worried about being to live the lifestyle she wanted, with three kids in tow. She felt she NEEDED a man. And, when the first Knight in Shining Armor came to the door, she handed him the keys to the castle. Turned out, however, he was a very sick man.
She GAVE him her business, literally changed the name of the business to accommodate his ego, gave him permission to parent her children, told us we HAD to call him DAD. She still forces her influence with him. She's like a little girl who needs a Daddy.
You are a very wise and wonderful woman. The fact that your son will tell you how proud and grateful he is, well, that speaks for itself.
I know my mom did the best she could. I know she hates herself for not being the woman we needed her to be. I'm sorry for that. I really am. I intend to do things differently and trust God will fill in the gaps financially for me when I get too scared to go it alone.
God Bless,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
First of all, teaching is a gift. You are affecting the lives of these children. You have the power to open up the world for them. You are making a difference. You can be the reason they love learning and that can continue for the rest of their lives.
As far as your inlaws - shame on them for doing that to their grandchildren. Shame on them for not helping their son face his addiction.
I know it is hurtful for them to cut you out like that. I was very close to my SIL. Xh had lost his mom when he was young. His dad about 12 years ago. (Loved his dad and he loved me). Anyway, SIL knew who I was. I treated her children as if they were my own.
We knew each other for 30 years. I thought when all this happened, we would remain close. Didnt happen.
I was sad, for a little while. But, then I realized that I had no control over what she did. That was on her.
As long as I knew my truth, that is what mattered to me.
Your inlaws do not sound like people worthy of being in your life, my friend.
And I would think seriously about having your FIL representing you in a dissolution.
Yes, your mother did the best she could. I am sure she has her own demons to conquer. The only thing you can do is have compassion.
Thanks UrW for your thoughts. Yup, I know the truth. It's been my experience that the truth usually rises to the surface at some point. I can't say I miss Christmas with the inlaws. They aren't people want in my life. And, I know I need to be careful about a dissolution with FIL. I'm shelving that for now, though.
Had another busy day.
Yesterday, my new student came for the second time. His mother comes too.
I thought the day went really well and I felt good about his second day. She called me this evening to tell me she was exploring other curriculums and may even consider trying something different. Wha?????
This is after she tells me that the kid loves, loves, loves coming here. She said it was like the Christmas the day before school. Ok. I took that as good, right?
Anyway, I think I smoothed it over some. I had sent her home with some two workbooks to order and with some math that I use here.
Now, here's where I was a bit teed. The boy is 8. He has been to Montessori and eight other schools in the past few years. Nothing has worked. This is the first week. I had him do some worksheets and assessed where he was at academically. Based on that assessment, I told her I would like him to start this great math program that I own and asked she would order two other workbooks.
Well, she doesn't want him to do worksheets. Worksheets don't work with him. He seems to like hands-on projects and "unschooling." I get that but there are things we need to cover and I can't accommodate unschooling for every subject. I'm really bummed about the math. She said it took 45 minutes to get through two pages. For this boy, I think that's par for the course.
I'm just venting. I told her I would mull this over and give her some other ideas about what I can offer by the end of the week.
Ya know, we had this nailed own. She said he was to come two days a week and I was going to provide the curriculum. Dammit.
She said he loves coming here and she wants it to work.
I need to be careful to NOT overcommit with this one. She is expecting a lot. In my eyes, this little boy MAY learn better with hands on lessons, but that's not realistic on a day-to-day basis if we are going to cover all we need to cover.
The workbooks I suggested were only for handwriting and grammar!! Two workbooks!! The math is something a bit unconventional that I print off myself from a really cool program I purchased.
Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I was reading through old threads and came upon this post originally written by LaBug. I hope it's OK with you LaBug, I'm pasting it below. Some of the post was written by Mach. This really resonates with me right now:
Quote:
But in doing that we miss the struggle, the development of new muscles whether they be mental, emotional or physical. Without the pain of struggle maybe the change is incomplete and we never quite get to the other side or crawl out of the hole.
Originally Posted By: Mach1 The only time you are stuck, is when you find yourself on the cusp of taking a big step in your life...
You know you have to take the step, yet every ounce of fear in your body, will not allow you take that step.
What is keeping you where you are ? Fear. Fear that I'll be alone, fear that no one will love me fear of the unknown. For controllers like me this fear is what drives us. Everything must be well thought-out and planned to the nth degree so I am not seen as the imperfect person I am. Life without H was not a part of my plan.
And why are you allowing that fear to drive you backward ? I think it's in the grappling with it that I develop the strength to move forward.
What I've learned about detachment in the last couple of days=I have more work to do.
When I do things wondering if H will notice or respond, I'm not detached. When I wonder what he's doing and if he's thinking of me, I'm not detached. When I make plans based on what he might be doing, I'm not detached. When I wake in the morning wondering if there will be an email from H, I'm not detached. When I still obsess on what I could have done differently, I'm not detached. When I dissect everything he does or says for hidden meaning, I'm not detached. I've come a long way but I'm not there yet.
Originally Posted By: Mach1 That is still a part of looking back at them for our answers, and that we need a physical sign from them, to let them go.Yes, exactly what I was looking for. I've lived my life looking for signs from others on the right thing to do, the right thing to say, the right way to look...
What you will learn, is that the part of letting them go, that you are approaching....is not a conscious decision. It is a state of mind that you get to. It is hard fought, and full of twists and turns.The fear of loss is the path to the Dark Side.~Yoda
I'm getting there, I'm getting there I just need to keep walking my path with an open heart.
People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That's not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn't understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you're given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.~Pema Chodron
_________________________
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I remember vividly surviving my parents' divorce and wanting so desperately to see my mother rise above it and thrive. I wanted to see her embrace her power and seize the day. Instead, she remarried too quickly and found herself in a terribly abusive relationship for another 25+ years.
I need to remember this too.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
