ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

Job, I had already purchased him a present months ago. A flask with his monogram for hunting. I don't have to give it to him, but whatever.

It is beautiful though, handmade pewter, heavy brass mushroom shaped screw top, SO adorable. It has a cord to hang on neck.

Oh well


Yeah, I'm not planning on talking to him any time soon. He is really down about "no money" ;]

I'm already not expecting or actually expecting him not to come...his loss. I'm actually creeping along and will get there. Up and down she goes, where she lands nobody knows.

I've done more reading on Hero's and really figure he will eventually replace me or in two years something will happen. Right now I just have to keep plugging. I'm no longer going to close myself off from any options right now.

I just want my freedom without guilt. When I say freedom I mean, to do anything, except adultery, without guilt. If it means I go out, then so be it. When I dated my H. I dated 5 or 6 guys at the same time. Not seriously, but I never put all my eggs in his basket until I had a true commitment. That was almost up to when we got engaged.

So this attitude really helps me feel more comfortable with everything. He may be comfortable or not with screwing around , I'm not. But I'm not going to shut myself off from meeting people anymore.

As for the hunting , well, we'll see.

I am taking the damn hitch off so I can use my back area in the suv. If he wants to borrow it, he is going to have to work for it . I'm not going to be so easy to reach right now. I need more distance while he does his experimenting. I don't want to be tempted to look in his car, and I really don't want to know what the Hell he's doing anymore.

I know I don't like him or his behavior right now. I still have love, what kind I really don't know. I am not going to worry about that anymore. Yes, I still feel depressed, but I've done all I can for it. It is what it is, and I have to push forward.

I'll still be kind, but what else I can't say.