Your M has some VERY deep-rooted problems. Your W no doubt feels she's been in an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you even admit that you were very controlling and manipulative (and if you don't think so, let me assure you that all the signs are there in your OP). The thing you've got to fight right now is your urge to "fix" this. You are going to want to control and manipulate her right back into the M. But it won't work, she will see it as "more of the same" behavior and it'll just remind her why she wants out. So you have to do a 180 on that, and that means giving her time and space. Remove all pressure. Do not talk about the M. Don't try to make her go to MC. Don't push, don't beg/ plead/ negotiate/ explain/ reason. Just leave her alone to sort things out.
So you've had an epiphany and see now the things you were doing wrong, that's a great start. But do NOT tell her because she's way beyond believing your words. You've got to show her change through ACTIONS. And not just for a day or week or month, because in the short term she'll see it all as tricks to get her back. It's going to take months or maybe even a year or more before she starts believing the changes are real. So settle in and be patient!
One last thing, your comment that you've lost the battle but will win the war, no you won't. As long as you see this as a conflict that you need to win, you will perpetuate the situation. You already lost the war, your marriage is dead and gone. You just don't know it yet. Things will never go back to "normal", your W doesn't want that and frankly you shouldn't either. Accept that your M is done, and then you can get busy making yourself into the person you should have been for her all along. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave, and maybe THEN she will be attracted to you again and the two of you can work on a NEW relationship.
