Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hey everyone Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and thinking of me. I'm been meaning to do an update ever since Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was amazing. We had almost all of my family here, and even some staying with us. H was a little bit irritated that he and I had other obligations and that we didn't get to spend at much time with my family as he would have liked. He is very much about spending time with me, the kids, and my family.

I got really frustrated with the kids a few nights ago, and H just teased me and just smoothed everything over. I was also pretty frustrated with a work situation and he had a "Do what you need to do" kind of attitude about it and telling me to do what I need to and to forget the rest. The next day he even posted a picture to my Facebook wall with some encouragement. He is working hard on being there for me, but at the same time I had to just tell him, let me feel what I feel. I don't have to be upbeat, happy all the time. I'm realizing that I'm starting to let him in. The walls are dropping a little bit.

Ramifications of things he did during replay are catching up to him in some ways. I've protected him quite a bit, but he has had to deal with some fallout. He has just take it is "it is what it is." I also had it with his std test delays, when I looked up and saw the hours the place was open, and that he could have gone after work even. So I found a place and said to him, "Hey this place is open and can we just go now?" He said yes, but he was pretty anxious about it. I dropped him off and he told me later what he had said and everything. A total play by play, other than exact details and number of partners that he told the doctor. I was really surprised how open he was, saying he was married even. His usually normal blood pressure was through the roof, but I'm guessing that was a sign of the anxiety for being there. I'm just glad it's done and I don't have to worry about that anymore. That was really frustrating me and just something that had to be fixed for my health and his, not to mention it's kind of annoying that things are in full blown honeymoon phase and we were both making sure there was always the extra wrapping. Now getting him back into C...that's just something he is going to have to do.

People are noticing the changes in H. I was talking with a friend last night and she said, "Is H back? I mean, it seems like he is. He seems like his old self, but I didn't want to say anything." And I said "Yeah, he is, except he isn't his old self. It's a new H, better than he has ever been. A better father and husband, just everything is better." That night I told H that friend had asked after him and what I had said. He got teary eyed and he said he didn't think he was any better. That he needs to be better. I gave him some examples of where I had seen a lot of change.

We talked about some things from his childhood. He said his dad, his parents, never taught him anything. The kid up the street taught him how to tie his shoes. He taught himself to shave and to ride a bike. There is some lingering resentment there, but above all, acceptance. It is what it is. I said "Does having that lack of a father in your life make you more conscience of the effort you put in with the boys?" And he said no. At first he was defensive and thought I mean that he was lacking too, and I said no, I said he wasn't, quite the opposite, and went into details about how he was better than other fathers. Not only does he spend time with them, but he spends time doing things with them that they enjoy. He does things that they are in to, even though it's things he doesn't enjoy or care about. He said that he felt that other fathers were even better. It was interesting to me that even though he didn't grow up with that, he feels that it's natural for him to put the effort towards his relationship with his sons.

Last night, he talked about the changes in me. He said that I am a better person now than I was before. And he said "Don't take that the wrong way, because you were an amazing person before." He thinks that I feel more comfortable now with who I am. He says that I was always great, but now I'm happy with who I am. I said, I know that I'm unique. I know that there aren't many women like me. I know that before all this, there were guys who wish that they had someone like me, that their wives were more like me. And I said, and now, it's even more so. I know that I'm pretty special and pretty rare. And he agreed. He said he has friends who have told him how lucky he is to be married to me, friends who know nothing of our marriage issues.

And the question that was dying to be asked was "So what happened? Even then you thought I was so amazing…what happened?" But I didn't ask.

The communication is slowly coming along. He tells me a lot. He is still very timid about compliments and words of affection. They are there, but not to the degree they were before BD. But I feel like things are more real than they ever were before. We used to say, "I love you," as if it could be replaced with any other phrase, like "Cya later." But now we don't say it, and perhaps it's because it means a lot more. As he has said before, he doesn't tell that to me, even though he can say it to others, because when he says it to me, it means something.

H and I get into discussions a lot, and sometimes they get deep. A lot of time it's to do with music and lyrics. I think he tries to speak to me through song. He did before BD, but I didn't pay attention. He did during S, and I over analyzed it. And he does now, but now, now we talk about it.

So my take away from the last round of lyric discussion...

I don't believe that God pulls strings and throws havoc into my life. But He was there. He wasn't the cause of it, but he was the one who helped me fix it. Fix me. And the hardest thing was realizing that and giving it to Him. To be able to say, "I can't fix this. I'm giving it back to you and I'm not going to check up on you to see how you're doing. I'm just going to be patient and trust." To not give up, but to do everything I could, and still be okay with the outcome.

I thought I had everything in my life under control. No need for patience, because I could control it all. I thought there was always a way to get what I wanted, if I just put in the effort. There was a lack of appreciation. I took too much for granted. I've looked at life from both sides now. I can feel things for other people now that I never could before. And that is intense and powerful and beautiful and sweet, all at once. I woke up. Parts of me that I didn't even know existed woke up. The Raine then didn't know that this Raine was even possible.

I know what Hell is like, because I've been there. And I can survive it. I know now I can survive anything. I don't fear. The pain that I went through then is part of the happiness now. I would not trade who I am now for anything then. Because I don't think I could get to here without that. I don't think I would have done the work without that. I give myself the credit. I did the work. I didn't sit down. I didn't throw up my hands and say, "God, do your best." No, I did the work, but He was there, always, in every way.