NUMBER ONE------- W: I need to talk to you. I am thinking that I might text xAP to tell her about my surgery the day before I have it. I will make sure she knows that she is not to try to call my family or me or send dinner again like she did last time.
Translation: I'm still emotionally connected with AP and I am confused as to what the "right thing" to do is. Me: (Silent)
W: You're mad aren't you?
Translation: Duh-ho...RT isn't saying anything; therefore she's mad at me for still wanting to contact AP. Please GET mad or blow your stack so I'll have a good reason to contact the AP.
Me: I told you how I feel about contact. This is your decision.
Good job of sidestepping W's inquiring and putting it back in her side of the court. She is responsible for her own actions.
W: Nevermind. I'm not even sure I'm going to do it. I just made you mad for nothing. Forget it. I can't believe I made you mad for nothing.
Translation: F*ck, RT didn't blow up all nor show any negative emotion. I have no come back or no real excuse to contact AP.
Me: I'm not mad. (eating my dinner in a restaruant... swallowing my tongue)
Calm, cool, collected! You done good baby!
NUMBER TWO-------- W: I'm not ready to talk to YOUR friends (our friends that didn't support her when they found out about her A)
Translation: I'm feeling alot of guilt about this and know your friends were right. But I'm not ready to concede defeat!
Me: I understand. You should contact people at your own pace.
W: I don't know that I'll ever be friends with them again. They betrayed me. They were so mean to xAP too. They sent her nasty text messages that they didn't approve or want to be her friend anymore. I'm not defending her, I'm just saying.
Translation: F*uck 'em..they were not on my side at all while I was screwing around with the AP. They don't know what they're talking about. I still have some residual feelings for the AP and what they did to the AP is not A-ok because I 'loved' her ya know. How dare they criticize the AP...she was wonderful after all.
Me: Sometimes we forgive people that hurt us because we love them.
W: I don't know that I can ever forgive their betrayal. What they did to xAP was really mean. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
Translation: How dare they not SIDE with me! This must mean that they're not true friends. They're supposed to lap up everything I said or did. They have the nerve to disagree with me...they should be drawn and quartered for this! It is my friggin' pride that is bruised so they're the bad folks.
Me: Should I not forgive you for betraying me?
Oooohhh...good one!!!
W: It's different. What they did was childish. What I did was adult.
Translation: Again, they are silly because they were not on my side and mean to the AP so therefore they're babies. I am the grown-up here ya know...consequences be damned!
Thoughts?????? W is in a very selfish mode and only thinking of herself and the AP. She has not yet matured yet to see the emotional pain she's inflicted on you and the consequent fallout. Sure, her emotions are swinging back and forth between you and the AP. The AP drug is still in her system.
She's not ready to look at herself. W is still caught up on how people "view" her and her actions. She's very much concerned about appearing as the "bad guy" in all of this. I'm thinking this is the real key to W's mindset. She's been really naughty and knows this at the most deepest level. Hates to have people judging her and having 1,000 eyeballs staring back at her in harsh judgement.
She's not yet ready to take ownership for her actions nor acknowledging the pain she's caused to a number of people around her. Making amends hasn't crossed her radar at all in this particular stage.
I've read somewhere here that for every year a couple has been together, it takes about 3 to 4 months of each year to put the pieces together and for the OW/OM to fade away.
