How do you work on this fear? Every time I've tried to talk to her, I get put down.
What is left for you to fear from her? You have already died tens of thousands times over again out of fear and dread of how she may react to you. Aren't you putting yourself through the experience every time you feel that fear of her?
I'm sure it won't sound very civilized to you, but I've learned when I no longer respect a person b/c of how they treat me, then I stop giving them permission. This comes easily when I really dislike a person enough that I don't feel that I have to guard my words and/or behavior toward them. I've also learned that once I've allowed some person to put me down for an indefinite period of time, then it seems much harder to confront and put an end to it. I think perhaps this may be a little of your problem. It's just so hard to imagine having to live with another human being who does that to you.
But again, we have been around and around this mountain with you. If you know you will divorce her, then why should it matter what she thinks of you? Why tolerate her, or worse...why fear her? So she gives you a stern look! Know how to stare back? Roll your eyes, laugh at her, shake your head and walk off, but don't just curl up in a ball and wish she would stop being so mean. She's acts mean to you simply b/c she can.
She doesn't wish to discuss facts, philosophy, current events, or anything else with you. That is how much she has removed herself emotionally out of the MR and is trying to cut you out of her life altogether. For a woman who you think is so intelligent, she seems to be going to extremes to "show" you how much she wants out of the M. Even to the point of acting very ridiculous for a grown woman. And this is what you fear? Every time you feel afraid, stop and remember this is the adult who would sing Happy Birthday but leave your name out of the song! It should make you either laugh or get angry, but never fear her.
Luke, I really believe if you face down the fear of her, those other areas of your life won't be near as lacking as you may see them now. You have allowed her bad treatment of you to effect your lack of friends, social life, etc.
We can just keep saying this for so long, and then what? People have stuck with you, trying to truly give you help, more than any other member I recall. So that should tell you that you don't turn everyone completely off (like your W wants you to think). There really are some folks who give a care. If you were impossible, I think we would have given up way back there.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
