The following is a work in progress. I need to condense. I'm working on it. I just don't want each post I write to have the situation staring at me at the bottom. Trying to move forward but keep the facts at the beginning of each thread.
Me 45 H: 47 D11 (Asperger's) D19 College Married 22 years Together 24 H (Smokey Joe has MaryJane habit beginning when he was 12) Had 2 years clean and sober in NA when we married--Smokey has off/on again habit thru marriage and leaves family to party from time to time--3 months here/4 months the longest about 15 years ago. Almost filed.
Jan/Feb 2012 H (Smokey Joe) moves out after I discover EA thanks to cell phone bill. I ask him to leave.
Spring 2012 thru Summer 2012 Smokey very, very angry. Blames me for lack of income, unclean house. Blames D19 for being obnoxious. Blames me for not allowing D11 to go to public school. Memorial Day "steals" play Jeep from garage while we aren't home. Disappears from our lives almost completely by summer.
July 2012 Catch Smokey Joe and OW (aka. MaryJane) because OUR old Jeep CJ is broken down on the side of the road. D10 is with me. We were on our way to fireworks. OW is person we know through friends. On disability for psychological condition, history of drug abuse. Cheated on husband (rumored) several affairs before her husband divorced her.
August 2012 PA confirmed. Smokey living with MaryJane in apt which he found for her. FB pics show up of trips the couple have taken.
September 2012 Smokey goes very, very dark.
October 2012 D19 goes to jail for two days after assaulting me. Smokey can't be reached for nearly 24 hours.
November 2012 Smokey misses us. Still living with MaryJane
November/December 2012 contacts all three of us daily. December 25 invites MaryJane for Christmas with his parents--lies to everyone about it. D19 figures it out and confronts H. He comes over with tail between legs apologizing and very sorry for hurt he has caused.
Jan 2013 Smokey is convinced his job is the cause of his bad behavior and depression. Comes to house more and more. Wants to spend the night. Spends the night here and there, but D's don't like it and become very angry with me for allowing him in the house and my bedroom.
By February he has new job after 20 years in same place. Says he wants to get away from OW and crowd of using friends. His new job takes him 90 minutes away. I help with resume, apt finding, apt deposit...He considers rehab. Starts IC.
Feb/March 2013 Smokey in IC. Maintains daily contact with me. Wants to work on R. Contacting me for support and talking. Talks about the future, growing old together, making some plans...
Smokey showed up in the middle of the night in January. He said he had been doing that since he left home. He would walk the yard around 3 a.m. I let him sleep on the couch that night. He said, "There's nothing fake about you."
Valentine's Day Card about marriage and understanding that sometimes loving someone means sticking it out even when you may not want to. Sweet.
Mother's Day 2013 Smokey surprises me with flowers, cards and lots of happiness to see me.
Stops IC "because of insurance switch"
Begins to give me inconsistent support payments. Timing of payments is scattered.
May through end of June 2013 Coming by the house almost every weekend. But, not liking it when I make a comment about how he seems to be enjoying our company and being at home.
June 2013 We drove to see him for Father's Day. He was a bit distant, but proud to show us around his new plant. He didn't show us his apartment and the girls were wondering about that. Still, nice breakfast as a family.
June 2013 Went to D19 College Orientation. Strange day. Really sensed something was up. Smokey had the whole weekend free but drove home like a bat outta he!! Very distant from me. No hugs or anything. Tense car ride. Girls were very disappointed. They thought he was going to stay for the weekend. We had been feeling more like a family with seeing him every weekend.
Still says he misses me. Still maintaining contact daily.
July 2013 Mortgage falls behind again. Smokey still playing games with the support payments. After a year of consistent deposits, he now owes me money and isn't giving me support on time or in the agreed upon amounts.
Smokey is working crazy shifts and obviously very stressed. Says the grass isn't greener, referring to the job. Feels like he made a mistake. End of August, he is disappearing from our lives again. I panic.
End of July 2013 I send a nasty text. He calls me to respond and seems genuinely concerned I'm pulling away again. He makes an effort to make some peace.
July 24, 2013 I call him after not hearing from him for days. I sense the second BD coming. Very weird conversation. He says he's been "in his head again." Sounds like he is going to give me the second ILYBDLY
I write a scathing email which lists the money I've spent on college for D19 and refers to his lack of support and the money he owes me. He has, at this point, contributed nothing to graduation or college. I tell him I want no further contact unless it's about money.
August 2013 Find out he has paid $3,000 to pay off his truck. Sense OW is back in the picture. Find out from him in September/October she moved into his apt in August.
September/October 2012 House almost forecloses. I modify the loan.
October 2013 D19 and D11 confront Smokey. He stays and takes it for 2 hours. Very vacant look in his eyes. D11 says after, "Dad doesn't know who he is."
November 2013 I've stopped contacting, begging, pleading, pursuing. Giving H distance an space. He is living with OW.
December 2013 Working on Me.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
