Am I consistent?? I think I am getting better at it..
Well today I noticed that I am working on being a more emphatic listener with everyone.. telling myself to STFU and listen, listen and not be thinking about what to say next.. and I was talking to a 16 year old about a football injury. I am being a less agressive me, quieter, calmer, more thoughtful, less cynical, more reflective.. the me I am when I am happy and not feeling like I have a point to prove or a decision to reinforce. I am saying no wiht grace and also accepting things to do that I like to do..
I am being more appreciative, noticing and being thankful or saying thank you. I am talking to myself and stopping thinking and imagining and wanting to control others with the power of my wishes...--I use self talk.. sadly out loud sometimes so i will really listen to me !!!!
My first goal is that our relationship will be friendlier and less stressed..
I feel that is happening. We telephone twice a week, if it suits H. so far it has the last few weeks. The conversations have been friendly though I still hear some tension. I do not ask direct question, I leave long silences so he can think and speak, I do not ask about next week or even the next day ( that is seen as controlling). I talk about how I am reconnecting with friends- true, enjoying the dog- true, exercising more- true. If I do not reach him when I call I leave a brief message.. if he would like to call that would be fine.. he usually calls back or texts if he is still at work. I do not text in between time- giving him his space. I do not send the last text if I can avoid it..
I have sent 3 very brief, genuine emails expressing gratitude, thanks for fixing the step it is so much safer now the weather is frosty or thanks for the great job on the fence.. makes life with the dog easier.. thanks for all the snow sweeping last year now I know what a big job it is.. good thing I am fitter..
Not often, but he does like to hear that he is appreciated..He usually replies That'S great to hear..
Feels like teeny, tiny baby steps I also remind myself it is not over until I say it is over..
Here are 2 weird things..what are your thoughts..( trying not to overthink but I feel a bit confused)
I am thinking about taking on more work.. unintentionally while we were talking I asked him what he thought ( hard habit to break asking for his input.. the words were out of my mouth before I realised) It was not the plan because that is talking future and us - it was a slip.. I waited for long silence but he answered we can discuss that on the weekend?????
I think before I would have told him what i had decided and how it was going to work even while asking for his opinion . this time I am really looking for his views- all sorts of implications tax wise, house wise, and not forgetting dog wise.
I then mentioned friends of mine, who 2 months ago he said he hated becasue they had always laughed at him ( not true but his perception) . They invited us to a big party this weekend when he is here .. not his thing in a good year.. I told him about the invitation and said that it was OK not to go that I had mentioned we could be busy. I think before I would have assumed he would come with me and asked with a tone that did not allow for a NO answer--- yes I was that controlling and bossy and ugly.. hard to admit.
so of course he says we could go if I liked ?????
So trying not to overthink..
I don't really want to go to such a crazy party in such a fragile state,, I do want to discuss work with him..
I could have a hundred guesses at what he is thinking but I am not going to and if he changes his mind about either.. then that is fine.. and if he genuinely wants to go to the party.. well go we will!!!
I am becoming more the me I recognise and the me that I like...
Not sure where I have been but it is good to see me again!
