Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI)

[AnotherStander]

Wow, I'm sure a lot of you have been hit with this winter storm but it sure has been a doozy! On Thursday they were predicting nasty icy roads for Friday, so our office stayed closed Friday. Good thing too, because the roads were terrible. I slept in Friday and got up to quite a shock- most of my trees had branches hanging down to the ground, weighed down because they still had leaves on them and those leaves were now coated with a 1/4" layer of ice! I had several large broken branches including one huge one blocking my drive. It was 26 and there was more freezing rain in the forecast for that night, so I was really worried my trees would be damaged even more. So instead of spending the day watching movies and playing PS3 games next to a toasty fire as I had planned, I spent it outside with a chainsaw, bowsaw and shovel freezing my tail off trying to save my trees! I beat as much ice off of them as I could with the shovel, then trimmed 2-3' off each branch to lighten the load. That was enough to get the branches from dragging the ground back up to 4' or so. Still drooping, but not in danger of breaking. Saturday it was even colder (20). I broke out the chain saw and cut the broken branches out of the trees to lighten the load on "good" branches. Also cut up the branch on the drive enough to move it. After that I had enough time to put out the Christmas stuff inside the house before W brought the kids over for my week. So much for a relaxing weekend I think the trees are going to be OK though, it got above freezing yesterday and as the ice melted off the branches started popping back up. There are some holes due to the broken branches, but hopefully they'll fill back in next year.

That describes my situation to a tee... no emotion at all. Funny thing is her father does the same thing, when angry at someone he disown's them and will refuse to speak at all for years. Coincidence??

Interesting. My MIL is about emotionless as they get. She's almost like an automaton or something. Her H died of MS (when W was in high school) and W told me MIL would cry on the back porch every evening for years. I sometimes wonder if she eventually just turned the "feelings" switch off. She remarried, and her H was really a nice guy, very emotional, always telling her he loved her and how happy he was to have her in his life. I never, ever saw or heard her reciprocate. I wouldn't say W was like that before BD, but after? Yeah, at least towards me, and at least a little towards the kids too.

What kind of life/relationship should we have? One full of second guesses and constant worry about what was said or a life where our SO accepts that we are all not perfect, forgives and tries to improve...

Well said!!! I think it's the WAS's inability to forgive that is so perplexing to me, not just in my sitch but in most sitches here. I mean clearly there are some seriously changed people here that have become the spouses only a fool would leave, yet their WAS's just refuse to bend their position even a tiny bit.

As long as that is how you feel and not a ploy to force her back and from your post's I don't think it's a tactic...

I have most certainly done things to try to get her back in the past and (obviously) none of them worked. I ran out of tricks and ploys long ago, LOL! This time I thought about it quite a while before saying anything to make sure I wasn't doing it out of some misguided notion of getting her to change her mind.

Good for you. On our way to closure, aren't we?

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have closure! I can be detached and I can move on, but closure is elusive And that's OK. My grandfather (dad's dad) died when I was a kid. My grandmother didn't die until over 30 years later, but she never had "closure" I wouldn't say. She never did want another R or M, he meant that much to her. Even 30 years later she couldn't talk about him without tearing up. She never stopped missing him. But she lived a happy life, so it wasn't a bad thing.

Your kids will be okay, imo, I wouldn't get back with WAS for the kids. I am at the point where I want it all (a little greedy). I'm willing to wait, be it my H or someone else, but I couldn't do it "for the kids" simply because I don't think I am strong enough or graceful enough and my love tank would empty real fast.

You're right of course, what good is there in staying together if the love tanks are always empty. It's not like the kids wouldn't notice. And would they even trust the M again after BD? Probably not. But just to be clear, I never said I would get back together for the kids, I said I would be willing to "try" for the sake of the kids. In other words, if not for the kids I'm to the point where I would file for D myself. When I think about how cold and unloving my W has been for years, and when I think about the R that I really want, I don't think she's capable of providing it. But, we do have kids and for their sake I would at least be willing to try. Not move back in, but date and go to counseling to see where things go. But W would have to want to try as well and I don't think she ever will.

Hello, AS. Back for a visit to my friends tonight!

Hey T, thanks for stopping by

I think it was a necessary step for you to send that letter to your STBXW. It WAS for you and I think you will have peace knowing that you've stated everything you needed to say-- left no stones unturned, if you will!

Yes, and ever since sending it I do feel greater peace than I did before.

Again, so many, many similarities in our situations!!! So, I can relate to where you are in lots of ways. I have always seen strength and conviction in your posts.

Thanks! Sometimes (as you know) being strong is easy, and other times it takes a tremendous amount of work. I used to think that strong people were just born that way, but I guess it really is true that you have to be brought through the fire to be made strong. Not that I'd wish this on anyone! But if we have to go through it we might as well come through the other side as chiseled iron rather than a puddle of sticky goo, LOL!