RT, wow, incredible job at holding your tongue… how in the world did you do it? i have been searching for invisible duct tape for a long time…how you held your tongue on the adult statement is beyond belief. i am so impressed.
your dialogue reminds me of what bug said about your W needing to find her own way and that change can only come from within her. memorize bugs post.. i need to do that too..
btw, when i needed duct tape, SD and i came up with the idea that i wear a bandaid on one of my fingers as a reminder to keep quiet. have not had a chance to use it yet.
((((((((((RT))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Thanks NG. You are right. So is Bug. It's about letting her transform at her own pace... if she's going to at all.
It's been a weird couple of days. Those two convo's took place on two separate days. Yesterday she curled up in her chair under a blanket and watched me decorate the Christmas tree and the house. Not being in the spirit or wanting to help. I didn't ask or push. I know surgery tomorrow has her anxious. I know somewhere in there is grieving over AP and wondering if she made the right decision again coming home.
It's all just so much. When she first got here the first three weeks were awesome, now this extended "funk", and I don't want to ask or pry or push... her to communicate, but I feel like Tigger living with Eyore. Add in the fact that I am still sick and because she is having surgery she can't sleep with me (if she gets sick they will cancel it) so there's a slight disconnect even though it's my choice and for her physical well being.
The conversations have shown me just how much I've changed. And just how far she has to go...
And yeah... the "adult" comment. I could see her surprise in her own face as she heard it coming out of her mouth. That self-control moment alone defined my entire process! LOL!!!!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
NUMBER ONE------- W: I need to talk to you. I am thinking that I might text xAP to tell her about my surgery the day before I have it. I will make sure she knows that she is not to try to call my family or me or send dinner again like she did last time.
Translation: I'm still emotionally connected with AP and I am confused as to what the "right thing" to do is. Me: (Silent)
W: You're mad aren't you?
Translation: Duh-ho...RT isn't saying anything; therefore she's mad at me for still wanting to contact AP. Please GET mad or blow your stack so I'll have a good reason to contact the AP.
Me: I told you how I feel about contact. This is your decision.
Good job of sidestepping W's inquiring and putting it back in her side of the court. She is responsible for her own actions.
W: Nevermind. I'm not even sure I'm going to do it. I just made you mad for nothing. Forget it. I can't believe I made you mad for nothing.
Translation: F*ck, RT didn't blow up all nor show any negative emotion. I have no come back or no real excuse to contact AP.
Me: I'm not mad. (eating my dinner in a restaruant... swallowing my tongue)
Calm, cool, collected! You done good baby!
NUMBER TWO-------- W: I'm not ready to talk to YOUR friends (our friends that didn't support her when they found out about her A)
Translation: I'm feeling alot of guilt about this and know your friends were right. But I'm not ready to concede defeat!
Me: I understand. You should contact people at your own pace.
W: I don't know that I'll ever be friends with them again. They betrayed me. They were so mean to xAP too. They sent her nasty text messages that they didn't approve or want to be her friend anymore. I'm not defending her, I'm just saying.
Translation: F*uck 'em..they were not on my side at all while I was screwing around with the AP. They don't know what they're talking about. I still have some residual feelings for the AP and what they did to the AP is not A-ok because I 'loved' her ya know. How dare they criticize the AP...she was wonderful after all.
Me: Sometimes we forgive people that hurt us because we love them.
W: I don't know that I can ever forgive their betrayal. What they did to xAP was really mean. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
Translation: How dare they not SIDE with me! This must mean that they're not true friends. They're supposed to lap up everything I said or did. They have the nerve to disagree with me...they should be drawn and quartered for this! It is my friggin' pride that is bruised so they're the bad folks.
Me: Should I not forgive you for betraying me?
Oooohhh...good one!!!
W: It's different. What they did was childish. What I did was adult.
Translation: Again, they are silly because they were not on my side and mean to the AP so therefore they're babies. I am the grown-up here ya know...consequences be damned!
Thoughts?????? W is in a very selfish mode and only thinking of herself and the AP. She has not yet matured yet to see the emotional pain she's inflicted on you and the consequent fallout. Sure, her emotions are swinging back and forth between you and the AP. The AP drug is still in her system.
She's not ready to look at herself. W is still caught up on how people "view" her and her actions. She's very much concerned about appearing as the "bad guy" in all of this. I'm thinking this is the real key to W's mindset. She's been really naughty and knows this at the most deepest level. Hates to have people judging her and having 1,000 eyeballs staring back at her in harsh judgement.
She's not yet ready to take ownership for her actions nor acknowledging the pain she's caused to a number of people around her. Making amends hasn't crossed her radar at all in this particular stage.
I've read somewhere here that for every year a couple has been together, it takes about 3 to 4 months of each year to put the pieces together and for the OW/OM to fade away.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Headache. I woke up with one. I am journaling now from the surgery waiting room in the hospital. My W is in surgery. I think I'm going to have a stress/worry aneurism. I am here with her elderly parents. They are sweet and nervous.
Yesterday my W picked me up from work, we were rushing home after her appt. with her psychiatrist (he manages her depression meds)and we were trying to beat her parents arriving. She took that moment to tell me that she called the xAP to tell her about the surgery today.
I was silent.
She said. "I know you are mad. Are you mad? I told you I was going to do it. You're mad. Why aren't you talking? What are you thinking right now?"
I said, "I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I would like to know why?"
W: I don't know why. I don't know. I think she deserves to know.
Me: Is it about her or about you wanting to talk to her?
W: I don't know. I mean she was my friend for 20 years. She has meant a lot to me. She went with me to see the first surgeon. I just thought she should know. You're mad. What are you thinking?
Me: I am thinking that it's not ok with me for you to contact her but it's your decision.
W: I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't do it to hurt you. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes you did. You knew that contracting her was going to hurt me. You knew that calling her was not in the best interest of our marriage reconciliation. You knew those things and you decided that hurting me was an acceptable consequence and that what you wanted and what you thought xAP "deserved" was worth it. At my expense. So now I know. Thank you for telling me and being honest with me.
W began crying and apologizing over and over. Verbally berating herself for always hurting me. I didn't fight or respond. I just listened. I said what I needed to say.
Within 15 minutes of that conversation, I was hugging her parents hello.
24 hours later, I am in the OR waiting room, not longer mad, only wanting her to be ok, preparing myself for her months long recovery. (she is having both knees replaced at the same time)
Headache. Breathing. Praying. Journaling.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Wow! You two have hit several speed bumps fast and hard. There's been tons of stuff on a huge server plate for both of you. Just focus on taking care of W post-op and just chillax together.
You might want to spike your eggnog with some of my amaretto left behind somewhere in your fire pit area to celebrate W's successful surgery!
Thanks (((Wonka)). W made it out of surgery fine. I drove her parents back to the house and got them settled, got them dinner, walked the dogs, and came back to the hospital. I'm sitting in the chair now watching her doze in and out. She keeps waking asking me for a hug or a kiss, telling me she doesn't deserve me and that she loves me.
Every person (hospital employee) that enters the room she says, "This is my partner RT." ... that's a new "open" for her. Helloo dilaudid! The pain meds are making her say all sorts of sweet and wonderful things. Things I will always remember, but she probably won't.
Before surgery today she asked her parents to sign an updated Healthcare Power of Attorney as the two witnesses needed to complete her form giving making me the final decision in her care if it's needed, making me her Advocate. You know... marriage stuff for the almost divorced. Kind of odd, but then it shines a light on our true bond. The one that's stronger than the affair, stronger than the marital cracks.
I pray for her strength and mine.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
RT, once again you handled the convo really well. You are a model of excellent DB'ing WOW, two knee replacements and she's only 44? Was she a basketball player maybe?
LOL!!!! 
