I am very much in the same place you are, although H isn't "back" per se. Bug's line about it not being trust but the "broken trust" really resonated. H is also capable of lying by omission, and doesn't get that to me it is the same as lying.
The don't ask won't tell adage.
Do I want to know this? Do I need to know this? Will this change the path I am on?
"People will stop asking you stupid questions if you answer back in interpretive dance."
I'm psychic. Get in line. Free readings. Little did I know that this small quip^^^ would be the basis of my day!
It's a tough one. I think I'm getting a cold. Not good. W surgery is Tue. she can't have it if she gets sick. My Mom's test at the hospital are positive for a really nasty bacterial infection. Poor thing. This morning W sent a text instead of calling saying she would call me after breakfast. I let that one sit... no response needed. Got it. I'll talk to you when you call. Cool.
Still no call. Two steps forward, four "xAP grieving" steps back.
I am absolutley positive that the anger/anxiety/weirdly intoxicating ability to kill the next moron at work that brings me something stupid to remedy, is a hidden super power that I am yet to discover and harness to fight the evil do-no-gooders that seemingly rule the world.
Why did I get stuck on the "We have a conscience!" losing "Team Morality"? "Team Selfish Narciscissm" seems waaaaaay more fun.
I'm defecting. Off with their heads!
Uh huh.... Think I'm a little aggravated at my W? LOL!!! Patience. Patience. Patience.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
H is also capable of lying by omission, and doesn't get that to me it is the same as lying.
Why don't they "get" this?^^^^^^? Lol!!! Yeppers! Mine too!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Well... I am sick. Blah. Nasty cold. So I try to keep that in mind when I am evaluating my emotions, anxiety level and fears. Funny how physical illness doesn't bring out the la-di-da, peace love, and happiness feelings. Nope! Instead we get a magnifying glass on our crazy.
I've been telling those closest to me about W's surgery next week. My sisters, Mom, BFF, other close friends that were close to both of us until W went on "Walkabout" (that's what W and I are calling the 9 month S that include 3 months she lived with AP... rather than say something happened or took place when you left me or I left you, we say, "Oh that's was while you were on Walkabout.")
But I digress, everyone I have told has given me the same response. It sounds like this:
"Now I don't want to upset you, but do you think maybe she came home so she could have this surgery?" (mind-reading, non-Dber's! lol!)
Not some of them. All of them asked the same thing. So is it possible? Sure. Am I the best location and person to get her through this? Absolutely. Is she capable of using me that way? FEAR. Is she? No. Surley not. But wait, I didn't think she'd have a 2.8year affair either.
I am trying to resolve this fear now. Sit with it. What's the worst that could happen? She will get a very much needed surgery, some IC (since she already started) and if the reconciliation is a ruse and she rides off with xAP again... I will know.
I will know that I was true to myself. I will know that I took a long hard look at myself and made some permanent changes for the betterment of my life. I will know that I was accountable to myself, my W, my marriage and I cleaned up my side of the street. I will know that I gave it everything I had, for better or worse, and I will have no regrets. No leftover what-if's.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Go to your house of PHO and throw some extra peppers in there- you will be cured of all that ails you....
Worst case is she uses you. We need closure and the only way that will happen is when we are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until that time let her continue to demonstrate how unworthy of you she is.
Either way- YOU WIN!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Dig out that amaretto from your cabinet as it'll "cure" whatever ails you.
I am liking your self-awareness very much. Why worry about W's 'motives'? As things stand, she's very much swinging back and forth. It is all in her head and I'm sure you wouldn't want to be the house guest in there!
She will only change when she really needs to change and that comes from within herself.
And perhaps she can change when she wants to be that person who is worthy of the love and respect of RT. The RT who isn't controlling her, or snooping on her but is allowing her the freedom to make her own decisions but who also has boundaries that protect her.
She may not be that person...there is only one way to find out.
I think the problem for most of us isn't trust, it's dealing with the consequences of broken trust, it's having strong boundaries. The what do I do if... If you know what you will do if, then you'll be OK, eventually.
I love this quote from David Richo: “The foundation of adult trust is not "You will never hurt me." It is "I trust myself with whatever you do.”
As I'm writing this, I'm looking out on the most amazing sunrise which I am just delighting in. No matter what goes on in our lives, some things are constant.
hi RT, wow bug is on fire in this post… love it.. need to tattoo it on my arm hope you are feeling better.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
RT, just wanted to stop by and check in on your sitch. Thanks for your post on my thread. I can imagine it would be very difficult to do all this hard work, and get your W back, and NOW you have to deal with your W not having done the work. You are doing great, though. I love reading your posts because you are so introspective, smart and insightful. Not to mention funny.
As for whether she is using you for surgery recovery - based on what you have relayed here, it doesn't sound like she is doing this, but you're correct that you just don't know. And anyway, I couldn't say anything more brilliant than PS and labug have already said.
Hang in there!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Any thoughts? Conversations in my marriage the past few days:
NUMBER ONE------- W: I need to talk to you. I am thinking that I might text xAP to tell her about my surgery the day before I have it. I will make sure she knows that she is not to try to call my family or me or send dinner again like she did last time.
Me: (Silent)
W: You're mad aren't you?
Me: I told you how I feel about contact. This is your decision.
W: Nevermind. I'm not even sure I'm going to do it. I just made you mad for nothing. Forget it. I can't believe I made you mad for nothing.
Me: I'm not mad. (eating my dinner in a restaruant... swallowing my tongue)
NUMBER TWO-------- W: I'm not ready to talk to YOUR friends (our friends that didn't support her when they found out about her A)
Me: I understand. You should contact people at your own pace.
W: I don't know that I'll ever be friends with them again. They betrayed me. They were so mean to xAP too. They sent her nasty text messages that they didn't approve or want to be her friend anymore. I'm not defending her, I'm just saying.
Me: Sometimes we forgive people that hurt us because we love them.
W: I don't know that I can ever forgive their betrayal. What they did to xAP was really mean. Some people don't deserve forgiveness.
Me: Should I not forgive you for betraying me?
W: It's different. What they did was childish. What I did was adult.
Thoughts??????
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Why don't they "get" this?^^^^^^? Lol!!! Yeppers! Mine too!
hope you are feeling better.