Love is a Choice

[JFun51]

I want him to understand that his mother is in a time of conflict with herself.

I want him to understand that life is difficult, but we perservere.

I want him to feel safe that his mother and father will always be here for him.

I want him to understand that I love his mother very much.

I want him to know that he can come to me with any concerns and that any questions he has for me are OK.

I want him to know that our father/son relationship is safe and open.

I do not want him to think horrible things about his mother.

I do not want him to think every time conflict happens in a R, it means something bad.

I do not want him to have a terrible, distorted view of love and happiness. He is, after all, just now trying to figure these things out for the first time.

I do not want him to focus so much energy on our problems that he cannot explore his own issues as he is growing up.

Most importantly, I want him to feel loved, supported, and safe in his environment.

[Mach1]

I want him to understand that his mother is in a time of conflict with herself.

Easy with that one....keep it "kid friendly"...

You do not want him to over-compensate how he treats her, and it will also let you come across as the martyr there....

Mom and I are going through some growing pains. It will either work out, or it won't. Either way, I want you to know that NONE of it is your fault, nor your Brother's fault. Your Mother is going through some tough times right now , and the best thing that I can do, is to love her, and hope that all ends well. All I can do, or we can do, is support her when she needs it. Remember when you were younger, and you needed a "time out" ? Mom just needs a time out right now.

I want him to understand that life is difficult, but we perservere.

Ayup...Cept you won't have to tell him....he will see it...

I want him to feel safe that his mother and father will always be here for him.

While that is true, and he needs to know that. You can really only assure him that YOU will always be there for him...and this should be more through your actions, and not words..

I want him to understand that I love his mother very much.

Easy with that one too....

I want him to know that he can come to me with any concerns and that any questions he has for me are OK.

I think he knows that already....Actions again...

I want him to know that our father/son relationship is safe and open.

Same as above....

I do not want him to think horrible things about his mother.

Then don't tell him those things. He IS gonna see some stuff, just try to be there for him to help him understand, in a "kid friendly" way....

I do not want him to think every time conflict happens in a R, it means something bad.

Show him then...

I do not want him to have a terrible, distorted view of love and happiness. He is, after all, just now trying to figure these things out for the first time.

Once again, it will only be as horrible as he sees it being...

I do not want him to focus so much energy on our problems that he cannot explore his own issues as he is growing up.

Try to keep him out of your business then. Involve him in your GAL, and other things you have adapted recently....

Most importantly, I want him to feel loved, supported, and safe in his environment.

Sounds as if you are already doing that...

It also sounds as if you have a plan in place already...


Maybe ???

[ericmsant2]

JF

Man I am sorry to hear that your S12 has heard some things. It brings back a lot of memories for me. Before I respond allow me to provide some background on my sitch (It hopefully provides you perspective that you can apply to what I write).

I stayed in the martial home for a 2 years., 3 kids (at the time D9, S14, S15). XW was involved first with OM#1 (her second cousin – who lived out of state) and then OM#2 (her current boyfriend and current supervisor, who at the time was married).

The kids had no idea that mom was with someone else. The routine was mom would leave for work at 5;30 am and then get home at 11pm. Dad would be home to take them to school, cook, clean, and be chauffer.

Much like you, I said…….I did not want the kids to be angry at mom. At least that is what I said to folks although a part of me wanted them to know that mom was a cheater – I am not proud of it..but it is honestly how I felt.

What I finally came to realized was that what I really wanted more than anything; was for THEM to not have to endure pain. To NOT have to endure all of the emotions that come with finding out the truth about their mom.

So…..for a long time, I said nothing. Nothing at all. I was asked by my boys…. “did mom cheat”…”did you cheat”. My response was always that same – “we both love you and none of this is your fault”.

This went on for 3 years.

3 Years of hell…My oldest, (I’ll use his words) “hated me” for two years. He would looked at me like he wanted to kill me. As he told me afterwards (I’ll get into that in a sec)….”Dad I just felt that you were hurting mom”.

Sorry buddy but no matter what you do this …WILL NOT be easy. You can though do the right thing for THEM.

So let me fast forward a bit – I move out, get divorced (my kids still know nothing of OM – nothing), when I move out, my XW starts to bring OM around…it start subltly…then everywhere they go OM is there or goes with them. My boys begin to put the pieces together. They begin to really question everything that mom has said to them. My younger son starts to talk to me about the lies, the inconsistency, the "mom thinks we are stupid" comments. I kept my mouth shut. When pushed I would say, you really need to talk to your mom about that.

So….one day…my oldest decides to “verify” his mothers comments about me (supposedly I had grab someone’s breast)….My son (without my knowledge), finally went to aks the person (who was a family friend), she told my son that I did nothing of the sort and that she was shocked that his mom never came to ask her.

My son, continues his quest to investigate and comes to realize all of the lies his mother told him. To say he was angry would be an understatement.

He confronts his mom – it was not a nice confrontation. He moves in with me full time. Stops talking to his mother. Has nothing to do with OM. Nada. It was at this time (FTR, he was going on 19 years old) that I sat him down and told him the truth….gently, very gently.


I try to stress to him....

1) Your angry dude – I get it. Regardless, she is your mom and both HER and I made mistakes.

2) I know it [censored] – but Jr. FORGIVNESS is really a gift you give yourself. If you want to teach someone about forgiveness you demonstrate it (i.e. ACTIONS speak louder than words).

3) Try and look at it from your mom’s perspective – realized where she is wrong and then promise YOURSELF not to repeat those mistakes and then FORGIVE HER.

I used to spend hours talking to my son, listening. I never bashed his mother - but I also did not lie.

JK – Let me fast forward to now…

1) My son and I have a GREAT relationship!

2) I stayed true to what I wanted and when I realized that I could not have everything I wanted (i.e. no pain for the kids) I did what I was suppose to do – I helped my kids grow and deal with this. FTR, my daughter who is going on 13 - still knows nothing.

3) My son will now tell you that Dad – taught him forgivness and that he has forgivin his mom.

4) He has learned about the difficulty in R’s. He knows how much work it takes and as best he can - he knows how to "own his chit".

5) He's learned that his parent are not perfect. Note the use of “parents” (both of us).

6) He feels bad for OM (he D'd his W and has no R with his kids who have disowned him). yet he knows that OM put himself in this position.

7) He understand his mother more - he may not agree with her - but he really has forgiven her. He may not trust everything she says, but he ACCEPTS that is who his mother is.

8) He has grown up. He is not perfect. But the FEAR that I had that he would be screwed up was just that - a FEAR.

9) He understands more everyday about life.

10) He will tell you as will my younger son.....we totally love our mom, we totally love our dad - (exact quote here)..."he took a horrible sitch and made the best of it and become a better man - I learned that from my dad". We also know... no matter what "our Dad will be there".

Your actions JK will matter more than anything you say – anything. He does not have to hear it….you will want to tell him (trust me) but don’t! Not yet! IMO, it is not time. The time right now is for you to let YOUR actions talk and likewise let her talk.

Spend more time LISTENING......reassuring him that you will be there no matter what.

If he wants to spy on his mom - let him. Really - I would not help but trying to CONTROL this too much will not work. Let it happen they way it is gonna happen. You just be you...the man you really want to be.

Read my old threads man….you can see the fear and pain I had about the impact on my kids. FTR, my kids were intentially poisioned against me (i.e. your father cheated on me 5 times, everything is your fathers fault, blah, blah, blah)….GUESS What?

I stood for THEM. I did what I needed to do for THEM….and now bro I reap those rewards.

The boys are now back to splitting time between mom and dad’s….which is good for them. Know what the biggest difference is?

1) They will always come to me for life issues.

2) They feel bad for their mom, which IMO, means they have learned compassion. Chit as a matter of fact my oldest made a comment a few days ago along the lines of “when mom or her boy cheat on each other”. LOL. He gets it and so will yours....when the time is right.

3) They have learned that all of us are flawed individuals but they are learning the tools to deal with it.

4) They value trust yet are not judgemental.

5) I now have NO worries, no FEARS, none – I know that I do what I do for them.

Finally, I'll close with this……

Do for them man – NOT to pay her back – NOT to make her suffer – NOT to guilt her – NOT to punish her. Be the best dad you can be…but be human. Don’t try and be super dad – just be YOU.


As Cadet says…..

“Trust the process”.

[JFun51]

Yep. Just reaffirming all that I have been doing. I guess just looking for a way to undo him thinking his mom is cheating. Not possible, I know. Hate for him to think that about her. His LL seems to be QT. He is constantly wanting us to be together. Just watching TV, talking sports, playing whatever, going wherever. He's gotten much more so lately. Don't know if it's cause I'm making myself more available, he's becoming a young man, or his mother's withdrawal. I'm not mind reading, and don't care. I love my boys wanting to be around me.

[Mach1]

Goodness E...

You know the longest post doesn't "win"....right ??

Holy F-cicles man....

Did PEI steal your log in info ???

: )



Pssst...

JF....

I watched him do all of that ^^^^

Pretty remarkable actually....

[JFun51]

Thanks a ton, Eric. The urge to let everyone know what W has done and continues to do is strong. When the happy princess face goes on for the rest if the world it stinks to be the ONLY one besides her sexting mates that knows the real truth. W has, if course, accused me of telling all my friends about her. I think it would make her feel better if I were angry, bitter and vindictive. Wait, that's that DB stuff working again, isn't it?

I have already developed a new R with S12 and S10. We now have special things and times that we share together. S10 and I share Sunday mornings now at church for example. We go to Sunday school and service together while W and S12 usually join us for service. He and I walk to church whenever possible so we can talk and share along the way. He's my big hug machine as well. All the PT I'm not getting from W, he makes up for with hugs, piggy back rides, leaning against me, etc. Not the same as W, but shows me lots of love none the less. S12 and I have always had the sports connection. Now that has evolved into school and R talks. He actually talked to me the other night about his best girl friend and her struggles. (They aren't an item. Unfortunately) These are things only mom was there for earlier in life.

I want my boys to feel safe and loved. I told S12 I wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't leave him. I hope it never comes to that with me and W.

[ericmsant2]

Mach,

You know the longest post doesn't "win"....right ??

I was told size does matter

JF

The urge to let everyone know what W has done and continues to do is strong.

IMO, you are going to feel this until it eventually comes out – and believe – it will. It just should NOT come from YOU.

W has, if course, accused me of telling all my friends about her

She is gonna…and personally, if you did tell her friends, it is warranted IMO. Just make sure that you keep the kids out of it.

I think it would make her feel better if I were angry, bitter and vindictive. Wait, that's that DB stuff working again, isn't it?

Actually, it might not even matter. That would be giving yourself too much credit. She may (and I have no idea as I am not her) not really even give a chit. Bottom line, she will FIND or CREATE ways to be angry at you. She has too. It justifies her actions.

Now…it terms of the DB stuff working…… You probably do not see this yet. DB is really a way of life. It has less to do with winning back your spouse and more to do with you learning to communicate, learning healthy boundaries, learning to be true to yourself.

I have already developed a new R with S12 and S10.

That buddy is the gift in all of this. I would NOT be the man/dad I am had it not been for the whole sitch, which really in many ways FORCED me to look inside. Enjoy them buddy, they grow up fast. Mine now have cars, jobs and my younger son is in college…so the time we spend together is different. Enjoy every moment you can with them.

All the PT I'm not getting from W, he makes up for with hugs, piggy back rides, leaning against me, etc.

This is great! That said, just be careful…make sure he does not feel the need to “heal” daddy. That is not his responsibility. I had to walk that line a lot. Sometime I failed and sometimes I succeeded. Do not kid yourself…it really is a fine line. Make sure you are GALing and doing things for YOU and YOU alone.

He actually talked to me the other night about his best girl friend and her struggles. (They aren't an item. Unfortunately)

LOL..that is great. Man…these type of things make it all worthwhile. Same with me and my kids….it was always about mom and then mom lost her chit and really pulled back from everyone. I had the pleasure and continue to be blessed with deep conversations with about everything…girlfriends, jobs, school, life…With my D it is a little different. Initially she ended up being all about Daddy. Chit I am the one that showed her how to shave her arm pits LOL – Now, I can see that she is dying for attention from her mom. I try to stay out of it as much as possible.

I want my boys to feel safe and loved

And believe it or not…they probably want the same for YOU. So they need to see that you are OKAY. That you are the ROCK. So never forget that they are watching you…watching everything you do. That is not to say that you should take chit from your W or that you should walk on eggshells but they will watch how you deal with it.

I told S12 I wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't leave him. I hope it never comes to that with me and W.

Remember those words to your son and live them. It terms of…. “with me and W”……

One of the biggest things that I needed to learn about was how as a person I allow FEAR to create in me a “CONTROLLING” personality. Allow me to explain…you see, when we FEAR something we want to control it – in part because we THINK it will eliminate the FEAR. Bottom line, we really have very little control over things – You cannot control what your W does, what she says to the kids, if she is gonna be there or not – YOU can control though how you deal with things. Can you face the fears and call them for what they really are…..a loss of control.

BTW, you mentioned your son plays BBall – what position? I was a point guard back when I was kids.

[Mach1]

Chit I am the one that showed her how to shave her arm pits LOL -

You really shave your amrpits ??

That explains a lot actually....

Now I know that this isn't PEI : )

BTW, you mentioned your son plays BBall – what position? I was a point guard back when I was kids.

LMFAO...

A five-foot streakin freakin Rican with a pink Tutu and high heel sneakers...

[JFun51]

S12 us a point guard. S10 is a small forward. Spent all day Saturday in the gym with games. Long day, but wouldn't trade it for anything.

Thanks for reminding me again to "Control the controllable."

Thanks for the insight on fear as well. I believe that's what drives it all. The fear of the unknown. After BD, everything is unknown. In fact, everything was unknown before BD, we were just in a comfortable rut that allowed us to think otherwise. "Going through the motions," as W put it to our MC. Huh, I just arrived at something for myself. Everything is unknown. Each of these events doesn't define us. Our reactions to them define us. How we deal with life's hiccups defines who we are.

Side note: Just learned last night that a 40ish man in our community committed suicide about 3 blocks away from our home by running his car into an embankment at over 100 mph. He was distraught over his W leaving him and his M breaking up.

Truth: Our experiences don't define us. How we react to these experiences is what makes us who we are.

[cat04]

I was told size does matter

She lied...