Love is a Choice

[ericmsant2]

JF

Man I am sorry to hear that your S12 has heard some things. It brings back a lot of memories for me. Before I respond allow me to provide some background on my sitch (It hopefully provides you perspective that you can apply to what I write).

I stayed in the martial home for a 2 years., 3 kids (at the time D9, S14, S15). XW was involved first with OM#1 (her second cousin – who lived out of state) and then OM#2 (her current boyfriend and current supervisor, who at the time was married).

The kids had no idea that mom was with someone else. The routine was mom would leave for work at 5;30 am and then get home at 11pm. Dad would be home to take them to school, cook, clean, and be chauffer.

Much like you, I said…….I did not want the kids to be angry at mom. At least that is what I said to folks although a part of me wanted them to know that mom was a cheater – I am not proud of it..but it is honestly how I felt.

What I finally came to realized was that what I really wanted more than anything; was for THEM to not have to endure pain. To NOT have to endure all of the emotions that come with finding out the truth about their mom.

So…..for a long time, I said nothing. Nothing at all. I was asked by my boys…. “did mom cheat”…”did you cheat”. My response was always that same – “we both love you and none of this is your fault”.

This went on for 3 years.

3 Years of hell…My oldest, (I’ll use his words) “hated me” for two years. He would looked at me like he wanted to kill me. As he told me afterwards (I’ll get into that in a sec)….”Dad I just felt that you were hurting mom”.

Sorry buddy but no matter what you do this …WILL NOT be easy. You can though do the right thing for THEM.

So let me fast forward a bit – I move out, get divorced (my kids still know nothing of OM – nothing), when I move out, my XW starts to bring OM around…it start subltly…then everywhere they go OM is there or goes with them. My boys begin to put the pieces together. They begin to really question everything that mom has said to them. My younger son starts to talk to me about the lies, the inconsistency, the "mom thinks we are stupid" comments. I kept my mouth shut. When pushed I would say, you really need to talk to your mom about that.

So….one day…my oldest decides to “verify” his mothers comments about me (supposedly I had grab someone’s breast)….My son (without my knowledge), finally went to aks the person (who was a family friend), she told my son that I did nothing of the sort and that she was shocked that his mom never came to ask her.

My son, continues his quest to investigate and comes to realize all of the lies his mother told him. To say he was angry would be an understatement.

He confronts his mom – it was not a nice confrontation. He moves in with me full time. Stops talking to his mother. Has nothing to do with OM. Nada. It was at this time (FTR, he was going on 19 years old) that I sat him down and told him the truth….gently, very gently.


I try to stress to him....

1) Your angry dude – I get it. Regardless, she is your mom and both HER and I made mistakes.

2) I know it [censored] – but Jr. FORGIVNESS is really a gift you give yourself. If you want to teach someone about forgiveness you demonstrate it (i.e. ACTIONS speak louder than words).

3) Try and look at it from your mom’s perspective – realized where she is wrong and then promise YOURSELF not to repeat those mistakes and then FORGIVE HER.

I used to spend hours talking to my son, listening. I never bashed his mother - but I also did not lie.

JK – Let me fast forward to now…

1) My son and I have a GREAT relationship!

2) I stayed true to what I wanted and when I realized that I could not have everything I wanted (i.e. no pain for the kids) I did what I was suppose to do – I helped my kids grow and deal with this. FTR, my daughter who is going on 13 - still knows nothing.

3) My son will now tell you that Dad – taught him forgivness and that he has forgivin his mom.

4) He has learned about the difficulty in R’s. He knows how much work it takes and as best he can - he knows how to "own his chit".

5) He's learned that his parent are not perfect. Note the use of “parents” (both of us).

6) He feels bad for OM (he D'd his W and has no R with his kids who have disowned him). yet he knows that OM put himself in this position.

7) He understand his mother more - he may not agree with her - but he really has forgiven her. He may not trust everything she says, but he ACCEPTS that is who his mother is.

8) He has grown up. He is not perfect. But the FEAR that I had that he would be screwed up was just that - a FEAR.

9) He understands more everyday about life.

10) He will tell you as will my younger son.....we totally love our mom, we totally love our dad - (exact quote here)..."he took a horrible sitch and made the best of it and become a better man - I learned that from my dad". We also know... no matter what "our Dad will be there".

Your actions JK will matter more than anything you say – anything. He does not have to hear it….you will want to tell him (trust me) but don’t! Not yet! IMO, it is not time. The time right now is for you to let YOUR actions talk and likewise let her talk.

Spend more time LISTENING......reassuring him that you will be there no matter what.

If he wants to spy on his mom - let him. Really - I would not help but trying to CONTROL this too much will not work. Let it happen they way it is gonna happen. You just be you...the man you really want to be.

Read my old threads man….you can see the fear and pain I had about the impact on my kids. FTR, my kids were intentially poisioned against me (i.e. your father cheated on me 5 times, everything is your fathers fault, blah, blah, blah)….GUESS What?

I stood for THEM. I did what I needed to do for THEM….and now bro I reap those rewards.

The boys are now back to splitting time between mom and dad’s….which is good for them. Know what the biggest difference is?

1) They will always come to me for life issues.

2) They feel bad for their mom, which IMO, means they have learned compassion. Chit as a matter of fact my oldest made a comment a few days ago along the lines of “when mom or her boy cheat on each other”. LOL. He gets it and so will yours....when the time is right.

3) They have learned that all of us are flawed individuals but they are learning the tools to deal with it.

4) They value trust yet are not judgemental.

5) I now have NO worries, no FEARS, none – I know that I do what I do for them.

Finally, I'll close with this……

Do for them man – NOT to pay her back – NOT to make her suffer – NOT to guilt her – NOT to punish her. Be the best dad you can be…but be human. Don’t try and be super dad – just be YOU.


As Cadet says…..

“Trust the process”.