Feel like falling down

[willbwell]

want to share my story. I am 1 of 8. dad died of lung cancer when I was 6. mom raised us all by herself. my dad was the love of her life. I grew up poor. I was always jealous of what others had. I hated our house. I would look at realtor magazines as a kid and circle the houses I wanted. In HS I remember lying to make myself seem better. I hated the cars we drove. I hated my clothes from kmart.

my first 2 boyfriends in HS broke up with me. I remember crying and crying and being so devastated. Both these boys I had had sex with at too young of age. My 3rd BF went over into college.I ended the relationship with him. I knew I wanted more than what he could provide. I feel I was always looking for and wanting a relationship.

Then, I met h. wow! we were in spain on a study abroad program.I asked him out for coffee. He is so handsome. I fell immediately in love. He liked me back. I couldn't believe my good luck!
I lied to him and made myself out to be something that I was not. Those lies caught up with me and I confessed the truth to h. all stupid lies....things just to make me appear more "cool"

5 years later, h and I get married.

my jealousy was always there. even after we married. I couldn't believe h picked me. I was always suspicious.

there were several women that I was suspicious of. When h confessed about affair, he said this was only one. He knew my suspicions and said it had never happened before.
I said almost I wished it had because then that would make him a serial cheater as opposed to something being special about this ow.
h says we just grew apart.

my self esteem issues. still so much learning to do

On a good note, I have great siblings. I think that growing up how we did made us so strong today. We so admire our mother. We have strong faith.