Moving My Picnic Blanket Over Here

[labug]

I would like to break the cycle of avoiding feelings and keeping them inside. Both my h and I came from that type of family background... Just getting on with it and not talking about how one feels.

Because of how D is feeling I woke up today feeling very angry at H. Conversation in head is me telling him it's finished - he doesn't deserve us and he can live in his fairy land or all of eternity for all I care!

Hey busting ((( ))), is this about D's feelings or yours? Either way is fine but just be clear within yourself. Your feelings shouldn't be denied either.

How are you about talking about your emotions around your kids? Or talking about emotional things like their daily ups and downs with friends?

[LoisB]

Hey Busting!!

I agree with Labug.

Imagine how it would feel to be able to Let Go of the hard, heavy feelings. Imagine yourself free. As they come, face them and, then, let them go.

I hold feelings in my body. I think I have years of anger, sadness, tension built up in my shoulders, stomach, chest and neck.

My girls and these boards really help. Writing helps me. Just writing down whatever comes to me, helps me sort out what I'm feeling. Jotting down my dreams also helps, when I do it. I notice my dreams always show whatever is bugging me the most.

My daughters, especially my D19 really challenges me to be my best self. I know she is taking in what I do, how I handle all these roller coaster emotions and it propels me to BE THAT person she Needs/Wants me to be. We try to convey how we are feeling to each other daily. I have to watch that I don't USE her though as a sounding board.

I feel comfortable sharing how I feel, but not necessarily the details about WHY I feel a certain way.

I remember vividly surviving my parents' divorce and wanting so desperately to see my mother rise above it and thrive. I wanted to see her embrace her power and seize the day. Instead, she remarried too quickly and found herself in a terribly abusive relationship for another 25+ years.

My D19 can be overly opinionated and overly judgmental. At the same time, this character trait of hers challenges me to fight for what I WANT for MYSELF and FIGHT for what is Healthy for her to see in me. I'm a grown up and I have the ability to decide which judgments help me move forward and which don't really serve me.

They are watching. We have been given a huge responsibility with our girls. Our H's have increased the odds that they will end up with similar husbands--I really, really want my girls to be up to the challenge, God forbid, it surfaces for them.

[BrightFuture]

Busting, we had the same pattern in our M, keeping the feelings inside. It was not quite like at the beginning of our M, but gradually changed over the years. I’m still trying to figure out why it happened. When I had last relationship talk with H last year, he said the same thing, like “we used to talk about anything and share, what happened with us?” I wish he would work on this instead of running away.

There is some good advice here about your kids. I don’t have little kids, so I’m not in a position to give any advice on that. I know that I didn’t handle my son good when he was going through my first D. I’m trying to improve my relationship with him now and he seems to be very open and excited about it.

[needgrace]

hi busting, if you are not doing this already, perhaps D can take gradual steps in learning how to express her feelings without feeling overwhelmed with you at home, even about small daily things. President Obama's family has a nightly routine in which everyone identifies a rose and a thorn from their day. I like that strategy. Then she can expand to being able to express them to others, and eventually H. The important thing is that she not feel pressured. Love you, Busting.

[bustingout]

Thank you gracious ladies. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences and advice .. You have helped me look at different ways to approach this.

So I sat D down the other day and she would speak so I gave her some paper and asked her to write down her feelings. And she did. She said a lot and I really think it was a step forward. She said what we all suspect she would say... She is anxious all the time because she never knows if daddy is going to come back and live with us again and she doesn't want to tell him that in case he does not respond to those feelings of her wanting them back.

I know I need to follow up ( this writing exchange took awhile and I thought it best to leave it and thank her for sharing and relax the rest of the night) but I suppose I need to tell we live in the now with or without daddy. I am hesitant to say live as if he is never coming back. It's hard enough to do as adults...

Bug I really became mindful of validating my kids after a similar conversation on one of your old threads. I do need to express my feelings too. Around my kids I do tell them how I feel. To a certain extent.. ' mummy is a little sad/ worried/ happy etc' and I am mindful of modelling my behaviour and responses to feelings and events. One of the last times I kind of lost it was when we had an intruder in our house. I was so scared afterwards and so mad at H for abandoning us I threw a hairbrush against the wall.

I don't have anyone to really talk about my feelings except here and when I work through them on my own. I have my friends but that is always touchy. The last few weeks when I was writing here about being confused because h was being nice etc, my friends were so mad at him that they didn't want to really hear what I was saying... Like i should just be mad too and leave it at that.

That's when I found out that people that have not been exposed to this MLC world won't be able to see what we see. Hard to sometimes find someone to talk to so intimately unless they are your partner. So I stick to here :-)

Anyway

I like the idea of rose and thorn. I will try it out. I am very much a converted believer of expressing ourselves in healthy ways and letting go of it after being recognised and processed.

More to come later and will check other threads. Have to get ready for work

[bustingout]

H texted today that he will come to D6's school production. He asked me not to tell the kids because he wants to surprise them. I am very happy for them and am very pleased he made the decision

[job]

Glad to read that he's planning to attend D6's school production. It means a lot to the children when their parents come to see them in plays, etc.

[bustingout]

Thank you Job :-) I am glad too. Feeling very grateful thankful to the Man upstairs.

[bustingout]

I have been thinking about detachment and letting go.

I know I am still tied...

I cant let go of H not being involved in the kids lives. And thats what it will be. That is not speculation. I will not stay in this country, I will not keep the door open.

I cant let go of that. I want to.

He knows this. He doesnt want to let go either He doesnt want to be out of their lives and he knows thats what would happen. He doesnt want me to treat him poorly (he said this recently), which would be the opposite of how I treat him now and exactly how he treats me.

So....I am working on detaching further from H's confusion. The kindness, the coldness. Sometimes I do well. I think I mostly do well.

However, its not enough if I am still writing about it here now.

I should be telling you that I have an amazing weekend planned. Out tonight (pre weekend..!), tomorrow and friday (our weekends are fridays and saturdays)! yippee! S9 has a school production and a football tournament this weekend. Family Fun Day at school on Saturday. I should be telling you that I am learning to work through my emotions and feel better on my own, without outside validation. I whine less, observe more, appreciate more and am grateful for more. I will keep working on me.

I will keep working on me....

[CallaghanClown]

You sounds like you are spinning. Have you tried writing everything down, sleep on it, write how you feel the next morning, sleep on it again and then read everything. Helps me every time.

Hugs. This isn't easy.