love your update bug and so happy that you enjoyed your getaway. i love to read how you continue to open up to hearing H and not allowing fear and hurt to get in the way.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
I think the best reassurance is love & support despite imperfection.
Have you seen the Brene Brown video's on the TED Talks? She has a couple there on vulnerability & shame. She quotes the guy that made her expand her research beyond just women. It went something like this..
"The women in my life would rather see me die on my white horse than see me fall off..."
It's an expectation (real or false?) that men are not allowed to fail and if we do, then we have no value.
So I guess, smile at him when he falls off. Hug him and then go riding together...
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I've found the same thing to be true about my H... I will do the same thing, assume that he has resentful feelings about something for the longest time to realize later that he didn't. You're definitely right about the not trying to mind-read thing.. it gets me into trouble
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Or how could I best validate his feelings around that?
For me I loved it when my W would just hug me and tell me she loved me and it would be okay and then ask me how can we fix or get past this. Thats it... all I needed was to know I was still loved and it would be okay whatever happened. Sounds stupid but that's what I needed.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Thanks, SG, that echoes what ces said so that's the tack I will take.
We had another talk about him moving here and I said, "I need to know that when issues arise in the future that we won't shut down or fail to mention when something is off. Can we believe in our R enough to be OK with all the feelings that happen in a R. When something comes up, can we first remember the love, give the benefit of the doubt and be able to work it out?" That's not verbatim but it's close.
He said he could. One of his complaints at BD was that I didn't listen or when something was wrong, I went on and on and on...(he's right) and often times it became of litany of everything he had ever done wrong. He says he has experienced that I could be different in those interactions now.
Did you ever go on a giant slide? You climb and climb and climb and finally get to the top. With anticipation you walk to the edge of the platform but when it's your turn, you look at the height and fear holds you back from that last step. You know you want to go down the slide but there's that hesitation...
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
What a great visual to explain the feelings. Gets the point across very well.
You're on the verge of a leap of faith. The reality is that you both can say all the right things and there's still a risk getting back together. The truth is (and you know this) that you'll both stumble for the mere fact that you're human. And until you're in that situation you won't truly know if you'll be able to act and respond in a healthier way.
Courage....((((Bug))))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
What a great visual to explain the feelings. Gets the point across very well.
You're on the verge of a leap of faith. The reality is that you both can say all the right things and there's still a risk getting back together. The truth is (and you know this) that you'll both stumble for the mere fact that you're human. And until you're in that situation you won't truly know if you'll be able to act and respond in a healthier way.
Courage....((((Bug))))
Well said... (((BUG)))
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
i love to read how you continue to open up to hearing H and not allowing fear and hurt to get in the way. 