Shutting the F*ck Up

[RosaLinda]

"I want that last bit of him, out of my head. I want to start the new year fresh and hope that it is a better year than this last 18 months. No more losses, divorces, deaths. I wish there was a switch.
I know that I will be fine, never doubted it, really. But I want to be more than just fine. I want to fill those holes left by this last year.
I don't know what these touch and goes mean to the MLCer other than a check of some sort. I don't want to be touched and left anymore. I want him to go, if he's going. It is unhealthy and disappointing for me to keep up this...whatever it is."

You have truly had a rough rough year my friend. You have had to face many difficult and heartbreaking things alone, when you should have had your companion of a lifetime by your side, supporting you.

That being touched and left must hurt. It hurts me, I feel like I am going thru the same thing even though H is still living at home. I am ignored until he feels me pull away, then he swoops in and gives me a bit of attention (his "touch and go" does not actually involve TOUCHING me, he cannot bear to do that) and then he disappears again back into fantasy land, where everyone is always living it up dancing the Cossack Dance and drinking vodka. And it svcks, very very much.

Hopefully the T&Gs will stop fanning up your little flicker of hope and become just annoying, like it is to AJ. And the "phantom feelings" will go away. I'm not sure someone you loved for almost 20 years will ever be completely gone from your head and heart, but it sounds like you are getting a bit stronger every week. And you are right....you WILL be fine. Love you!!!