Unfortunately, I am new here. My wife and I are not yet separated or even talking about divorce. I am thinking about it, due to intimacy issues, but I am trying this first. I read SSM recently and I realized I am the high-sexed partner in my marriage. Everything used to be normal between us and now it has all changed and I every time I bring up sex or intimacy I get spurned. But let me give you more background on my situation first.
I am 30 years old, and my wife is 28. I have been with my wife for 10 years. We dated for 3 years, we were engaged 5 years, and have been married 2 years. Our relationship has been long distance on several occasions due to school and work, and I lived with her for about 2 years before we were married. We have only lived together as married couple for about 6 months. This is when the trouble started.
We got married when she was in her last year of law school. At the time I was working in New York and she was going to school in Washington. We talked everyday by phone, and were intimate over the phone, and talked about everything during the 3 years she was away. I would visit every 3 to 4 months. Out of law school she was offered a job in Colorado and she took it. It took me about a year to get my work to let me telecommute.
During that time I noticed the phone calls got less intimate. And she lost whatever sex drive she had. I saw her four times before I moved in and every time our encounters became less and less intimate. The last two times I think she had sex with me just to pacify me. I would say we haven't made love in over a year.
I moved in with her in August and we have not had any sex what so ever. We haven't made out. She won't let me touch her other than on her hands, or feet or hair. I can't french kiss her or do more than kiss her a few times on the lips. If I try to touch her legs or midriff she moves my hand or tells me to stop. I have only seen her naked in the shower, and she won't change in front of me. In bed she uses her own blanket and uses it as a barrier against me. If I try to cuddle she complains or moves my arm or leg.
I have tried to be patient, but I am really starting to fray around the edges. I have asked her to read SSM recently, but any time I bring up the topic of intimacy she just dismisses it as me just wanting to get in her pants. When to tell the truth and as I have told her I just want to cuddle.
As far as I go, I know she is in love with me still I see it in her eyes. I just have no way to connect to her other than mentally and it is driving me crazy. I was good for about a month after I read SSM, but recently I have once again started to toss and turn and can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I have to go to the living room and watch a movie or play a video game just to not think about it so I can settle my mind and maybe get a few hours of sleep.
I know she has it rough since she failed her bar exam and has put on a few pounds (e.g. 10 pounds is noticeable on her since she is petite), and works long hours, but all I want is to feel the connection we used to have. I have heard all these things from her lips and I think this is what is causing her issues, but I don't bring them up because I don't want to fight. It seems like she lacks confidence.
On my end I know I have acted angry and blown up and acted passive or dismissive. After I read SSM I have tried to stop these actions, but it doesn't seem to have had much effect.
Any advice would be appreciated.
______________________________________ M 30 W 28 Married 2 years
