Well going dark is working well for me. My attitude is better, I'm not constantly obsessing over what he's up to. After 2 weeks of him moving out I'm only contacting about D9 and financing. I have had him contact several times first, of course no R talks but I didn't expect them this early.
At Thanksgiving I was upbeat and enjoyed being with family. My mother asked what was up and I told her I've given him over to God to work on and I'm not trying to fix anything.
I'm sure he's wondering what's up but I'm leaving him to figure out himself and I'm going to enjoy the holidays and my new life. I'm sure I'll be down again but right now I feel awesome compared to when he was here spewing every few days.
He told me he had to find someone to keep D9 during Christmas break when he has her and I didn't offer up suggestions. I'm letting him figure all that up and stepping back, no more rescuing or mothering.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
H came to pick up D last night and I really just wanted him to get her and go knowing my mood. Of course he decided to stand around and chat, questioned what I'd been doing all week since D still had to write a summary on a book and I got mad. Should have walked off but I didn't. It didn't get too bad since I only told him to leave her here this weekend and I'd get it done then I walked off but of course everything after that was strained. I've got to learn to keep my mouth shut when I have PMS! Other days I'm fine interacting but that just got in my craw! I mean don't criticize my parenting when you should be here helping!
This morning I got to looking around at all the stuff he left. It's all his dad's stuff. Things he said meant a lot to him, Army uniforms, medals, shoe shine kit. But he took all his mother's things that had been handed down, large things that I would have said he could leave and get later due to space. I'm wondering if he even realizes he did that. I just checked the garage and there's a ton of stuff there too. I wonder if this is one of the things he needs to work on his relationship he had his father. Not trying to psychoanalyze but just musing on this discovery.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
I would almost say he took the big stuff because your telling him could leave it for now was almost taken up as a "don't tell me what to do" kind of thing. :P
Or maybe just that some of those larger items are functional and he may need the furniture for his space... a box of photographs and Army medals that might jog his memory about his relationship with is Dad might be exactly the sort of thing he DOESN'T want to sit alone with while in depression.
I don't think you can really read much into what he has taken and not taken. He is confused and foggy and probably feels quite comfortable with just taking what he wants for now and getting other things later when he thinks of them. The MLCer is often stuck in thinking day to day, no future plans, so he isn't thinking about needing to get ALL his stuff out of the house and into his new place to start his new life.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Thanks Tigerlily, I'm sure he probably was thinking of space since he asked to leave a large piece of furniture to get at a later date. I told him to get it all or in 6 months I'm putting it on eBay and have that in the divorce decree LOL. I did that because I know D sees his stuff here and thinks he's coming back. I wanted him to get it out so she sees it's gone and may not hold out that hope.
She's having a really hard time this week with all of this, I have to lay down with her to get her to sleep and she's crying at the drop of a hat. Then on Friday he doesn't take her to school and she's having a meltdown before school. I can take him leaving and handle it but his disregard for her emotional well being makes me want to shake him.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Oh I know, what they are doing to the kids is worse than what they are doing to us in a lot of ways. At least we have the benefit of years of life experience dealing with crappy, unfair stuff. Even older ones like mine (S14) struggle with making sense of it.
Just remember to keep reinforcing that even though Dad is moving out, you both still love her, that YOU (mom) will always be there, that you aren't going anywhere. (Sadly, as much as you may want to promise "Dad will always be there when you need him" that isn't a promise you can make... you H has to be the one to make that commitment for himself).
Hugs to you and D. Man it svcks.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I can take him leaving and handle it but his disregard for her emotional well being makes me want to shake him.
Life never is black and white though, is it?
I think you covered it pretty well in your earlier post - suicide or leave. No guarantee with either. That struck a chord with me as it made me remember back to when my ex was doing similar. I actually called her psych (she was in grad school) and asked about it. He chewed me out. She chewed me out. But I'm very glad I did it. It seemed to head that off, although it resulted in her directing her anger at me instead.
I can live with that. You?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
No life is never black and white. I can live with the anger but my D crying herself to sleep at night makes me forget the panic he was in to leave. As a child who's father died when she was 6 I sometimes think that was easier than what she's going through. My dad didn't choose to leave but hers did and while I didn't get to see him I knew he didn't want to go.
I'm just having a down weekend I guess. PMS, my birthday, my brother's birthday(who died in August), my mom's having a hard time. I guess it's good he's got her this weekend so I can have my pity party and be strong when she comes home this evening.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
My mother called and wants to go eat and shop a bit. My house is a mess but I'm getting out of here and doing something to lift my spirits a bit. D will be home at 6 so I'll pick up the house and cook supper when I get back.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
Now that's the spirit! Get out the house and go out to eat and do some shopping. The fresh scenery will do you good. The house can wait, dust bunnies aren't on a time schedule.
Go and have some fun!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Getting out was good. Was able to focus on things other than my situation, my mother is having a hard time with my brother's death so I was more focused on her. H brought D back tonight and anything I said was met with anger. Good times.
H-44 Me-43 D9 T-13 years M-12 years BD-8/21/13 Sep- 11/19/13 D in process
