It's Not Over 'Till It's Over

[Wonka]

Before we were married she promised me that she would never leave "no matter what" & then we married and vowed "for better or worse, till death us do part".

I'm going to try to set your mind straight about DBing process.

When a couple begins to date, they are filled with dopamine and limerance with a dash of naievty that leads them to "trust" one another to be together forever and all's well with their world.

They get married. Have kids. Life happens. It is not the Disneyland fairytale that is supposed to have happened. You all have had your share of struggles, disappointments, wicked ugly fights over clothes left on the floor in the bedroom, a demon of boss blowing fire over the shoulder, a runny-nosed kid screaming his head off and on and on and on.

What happens? Disillusionment and resentment sets in and you two do not communicate very well...otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place, right?

F4MW, you're being way too harsh on W in trying hold up her part of "for worse" bargain. You're no prince yourself either. You've contributed to this sorry mess as well. You only own your 50% part of the equation. The other 50% is W's responsibility and ONLY hers alone.

This stands to reason to change your gaze from W back to YOU. What can you do to improve yourself? What can you do to discard the patterns in YOU that you do not like at all? What can you do to communicate better?

She is the only person I have ever trusted with all my heart & that has just been totally destroyed.

Really? Is that true? Your heart is only yours and you own it. Hurt? Sure. Destroyed? Nope. You're giving away waaaayy too much power to W.

I feel like I want to know the reasons because I don't know how else to accept that someone who I trusted & who made promises to me has gone back on those promises. I want to know the reasons to explain or understand how those promises can be broken.

You want to know the reasons because you are bewildered, devastated, and flummoxed by W walking out of the M. I get that. Right now, W isn't interested in giving you the answers. Why? Because she feels that you have not been listening to her cries for help. You have not actually been listening to W at all. She's fed up with your perceived uncaring attitude toward her and the M. Now, don't get all defensive here, F4MW. That is her PERCEPTION. She's had it up here [cutting chin with finger] with you.

It ins't about "broken" promises, but rather "broken" love. Remember this. She tried and tried. She's all worn out and broken.

This isn't "pinky finger" promise that you make with your friends sitting in a circle out in the woods like the little goon boys you are. This is MARRIAGE and it's tough stuff!

Sh!t happens. It is how you move forward and make excellent mud pies out of this is the making of the man that you'll become.

Let's fix the sh!it that's you. What improvements in YOU that you can do right now that will last for the next 50 years? And those are the ones that will make you feel better about you and only for you.

[Wonka]

Lordy, please revive the edit button!!! Mods, hope you're paying attention here.

'Let's fix the sh!t that's your patterns.'

[3boymom]

hi fight! I just read through the last few pages of your thread. You have gotten some great advice. I figured I would throw in my two cents about your comment on sending texts to your W. I recommend contacting your W only is you NEED to for logistic purposes. For example, only text or email her to ask what time you are meeting to drop off your S. Do not text her to talk about a good time in the past even if it involves your S. Your wife does not want to reminisce about the past with you right now. You need to go dim. Let her contact you. I only reach out to H when I need something. If I reach out to my H, I only do it via email or text and I make sure to include as many things in one email so that I am not contacting him often. When I was contacting H right after BD, he was mean or would not respond. He would never answer my calls. Now that I have stopped he contacts me. And it is quite often. He has noticed that I am not always answering his call immediately or writing back right away. I am honestly busy with the kids or work. It may seem like the opposite of what you want to happen, but I promise that it works. If you remove the pressure, your W may reach out to you.

[S4tk]

Possibilities for the "reasons" she has for her feelings right now:

1) You are a poor H and she wants a D.

2) You are a great H and she wants a D.

3) You both have your faults and she wants a D.

4) She went crazy, or is having a MLC, or some PTSD, or an A, or a combination of these things, and she wants a D.

My W is questioning the faith that she partially led me to believe in, questioning the job/calling we invested our lives in, questioning the friends she has had for years because they are not enabling this, questioning the goodness of our M, questioning any ounce of love she might have for me...

My point is, it won't ever make sense completely. She is on a journey, which has forced you to realize you are on a journey. I'm saying this partially for myself, but all we can do is take this train ride of self-improvement and awareness, and give her space to take her own train ride. The ticket she buys might end up in Crazyville, or it might end up back in Marriageville. Guaranteed it will have many stops before the destination. I don't really want to be on that train until the engineer sobers up, ya know?

[Wonka]

F4MW,

Checking in on you...are you alright, sweetie?

[Fight4MyWife]

Hi Wonka,

Thanks for checking in, I really appreciate it.

I'm doing OK. I put on my PMA in front of my wife when picking up my son the other night & then didn't have time to think about much else for 24 hours because I was busy entertaining & taking care of my son.

There have been a couple of things really playing on my mind the last couple of days that I feel tempted to mention to my wife, however I know I probably shouldn't & that she doesn't really care what I think at the moment anyway.

I have been thinking that if she did ever have any doubts at all about this separation that I don't think she would act on it because she will think she has gone too far now to go back.

Firstly by telling all of her friends & family of what has happened and her intentions, & having that social circle also supporting her actions, she would find it almost impossible to then admit to them she has changed her mind.

Secondly, by visiting lawyers and organising mediation, speaking to various other professional sources & changing her address with everyone she will feel she has gone too far to go back. Especially if she has spent money on Lawyers etc, even more so if her parents paid.

If she did have second thoughts she would find it too hard to admit to anyone so she would dismiss/suppress the thoughts & carry on with the separation.

These things really make me want to say something to her like "It doesn't matter how far things have gone and what people might think, it is never too late".

[Wonka]

F4MW,

All what you relay below is understandable. It is a lot of mindreading. You just don't know what W is thinking at all.

I've seen many cases here when the WAS done all your W has done as said above...even right up to the D hearing or whatever it's called...then all of sudden they pull back at the last possible minute and ask "for more time." Even with D papers signed, people DO reconcile.

Ignore all the external chatter and what W has told other people, just continue being your upbeat self and blow them away with your calmness. I've had people look at me with a thoughtful eyebrow wrinkle as if to say to themselves, "Wonka isn't too bad at all. She can't be what Ms. Wonka has made her out to be." Trust me on this. Family and friends will eventually draw their own conclusions about you.

The most important thing is never, never badmouth your W in front of your friends, family and kids. I've zipped my mouth on Ms. Wonka and never made a peep about her other than "she's a great gal."

[Fight4MyWife]

Just listened to Elvis - Lonely This Christmas. That would be the perfect song to post on my wifes' FB page but I bet you guys would suggest I don't do that.

[melissag]

F4, I think that you have been told this a million times, but it bears repeating - stop focusing on your W. You are still doing WAY too much mind reading, looking into your crystal ball to predict what the future holds, and dare I say, trying to control your W (I'm referring to the thought that you should post a song on her FB page, as if that is going to change her mind.)

I'm in an interesting situation right now because my parents are driving me insane, and honestly I am pretty mad at them at the moment, and I just want them to live their lives and leave me alone. So I am kind of getting the perspective of a WAS, and now I get it. I don't want to be responsible for their feelings, I want them to deal with their feelings on their own. I don't want to be made to feel guilty or feel like I owe them something, and the more they bother me and guilt me and give me sad puppy dog eyes, the more I want them to just GO AWAY. I want them to just live their lives, and act normal, so I can feel like I can be normal around them.

Your mind is racing to figure out reasons why you should do what you want to do, but know you definitely should not do. None of those reasons are valid. Not only do you need to leave your W alone and give her the space she wants (not only for her, but for YOU), but you really need to focus all your energy (or at least the majority of it) on yourself. I am just now turning the corner with this, so I know how you feel. When you keep focusing on your WAS and what he/she is doing, thinking, etc., and what you can do to manipulate him/her and/or the situation, you get yourself stuck. You cannot move forward until you stop doing that. Accept the situation for what it is, even though it $ucks and you hate it. It's reality. You can't change it and you can't change your W and no amount of mind reading is going to give you any insight into what she is thinking or feeling. All you will do with that is drive yourself insane.

Focus on you, and become who you want to be. Find your happiness from within. Build your self esteem. Work on your issues, find new friends, look for the positives in life. If your W did choose to come back (which she will not do based on anything you do or say right now, so don't bother), would your M be any better if you haven't worked on you? A M should be between two people who ADD happiness and joy to each other's lives - not who are responsible for the other's happiness.

I just got the book The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. It's a bunch of short passages that you can read whenever and highlight your favorites to come back to - they are all about letting go of the things that are holding you back. I would recommend it to help you move on from being stuck.

[jp787]

F4,
What would it take for you to stop spinning, worrying, obsessing over your W or can you right now?