ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Ambivalent]

Hi Making, that is nice.

I really wish I wasn't here. Saw a Viagra commercial tonight. My daughter and I used to laugh at the speed talker with the side effects list.

Tonight we watched it and it wasn't funny anymore. It pains me now, I know he is using it and not with me.

It's been five days since we'd last had contact. More and more distance is growing. What I don't like about all this? That if he were a neighbor or friend, I would be more engaged. I can't ask him how he's doing, or what he's been doing. I can't share what my daughter and I are doing. If I see something such as a ten point buck on the side of the road, I can't share my excitement with him. This is heartbreaking.

It is causing a distance I'm not comfortable with. I don't want to be strangers while someone else is getting to know him. It is devastating. I don't like pretending I'm okay with all this, yet if he comes in the house he acts as if he lives here, I feel my privacy in intruded upon.

He doesn't ask to use the bathroom or come in. It feels so unnatural. He IS paying the bills, and mortgage so yes it is his house too. I know it is supposed to be comfortable for him to come here, a refuge or home base; yet I can't just go to where he is staying, let myself in, and make myself at home.

If he is in my area, calls and comes over unexpectedly, I have to hide my books, and my computer, especially if I'm going out or he is going to be somewhere in the house.

I long for my H. I pray for him to heal and forgive. I am so confused as to all the feelings I have right now. I am disgusted with all the lies. Lies of the past, lies he is living, and
lies of omission. I don't like the holidays. I don't like second guessing what to do about sending Christmas presents from us.

I guess it is about how this has disrupted so many of us. Caused such heartache and blown apart our family. How loyalty, and vows seem to conveniently no longer hold any value. This causes me to question so many things and is very disheartening.

I want this to stop, I just want my aching to go away!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll go through all the feelings again.

I need to figure out what the next step is, where do I go from here. I feel stuck, and anxious at the same time.