Wife Said She's Done

[SM34]

Scott, I just followed Melissa over to your thread and just read all of the posts since your first one. I thought I could help you a little because your situation seems very familiar to me =)

If you think back to before the big bomb, I'm sure you can will remember times when your wife was on edge. Times when maybe she was sighing very deeply for no reason. Maybe she was getting agitated easily. Perhaps you were asking her often "Hey, whats wrong with you?". The boys picked up on her negative vibes, and your oldest has already started to lose respect for her and that is why she cannot control him. Something has been brewing inside of her for a LONG time!

Now, dont be hard on yourself. Hindsight is 20/20. She has been unhappy, whether that is related to the things she told you, or whether it is due to her own unrealistic view on marriage, or childhood issues or whatever. It will not serve you to worry about this now.

What IS important now, is understanding the dynamic that is going on. By you being happy and acting is if everything is fine, you have helped her to RELEASE her anxiety. She no longer feels trapped because you are now here ally, and that is where you need to stay.

Ever seen a dog in a cage? They bark so loud, and they bash on the cage. What happens when you open the door? They run out of the cage and do laps and a happy dance, only to go either back into the cage, or go sit quietly next to it. That is what is happening now with your wife. You opened the cage and said "Hey you want out? Here you go...". She is in the process of running out of the cage, doing a happy dance, and jumping for joy.

I'd say by your positive interactions that she is now in the returning to sit in the cage or somewhere near by it at this point. Fleeing is no longer the may objective now.

Your interactions will continue to be more and more positive and leave you wondering why you need to get divorced. Now from my experience with my wife, who went through these stages, your wife will be wondering the same too. Friends of my wife have told me that she told them "It is so bizarre. We get along so well now. We have so much fun".

Now, what I believe happens at some point is the WAS starts to feel safe with you again. And the question will start to pop up in their mind too. Why do I want a divorce again? Especially if you are improving yourself.

What is actually happening is that the WAS is realizing that the negative interactions, the pent up frustrations and all the emotions they were having leading up to the bomb, does not need to be what happens going forward. I think they realize a lot of their frustrations were self inflicted. I mean we LBS may not be perfect, but some people are better at dealing and controlling their negative emotions before they get out of hand and require a divorce, than others.

Whether this eventually leads to them reconsidering, or leads to them feeling that their new found happiness is a result of not having to rely on you to make them happy is dependent on the individual. But in any case, you can maximize the chance of a more positive relationship by helping them release the pent up frustration as quickly as possible.

You do this by giving them NOTHING to fight. You cannot fight someone who doesnt want a fight. And eventually the frustration will fizzle.

There is one thing though, that can complicate this scenario tremendously. This is when there is someone else, another man, who is moving in on your wife. This does not have to be an affair yet, but someone who is perhaps getting a tad too friendly. That is when the WAS gets confused and loses their bearing on the reality of the situation, and starts to pursue some fantasy life, and that life will not involve you.

Chew on all of this for a while and I'll check back you with you soon. Ive been living with my wife who is in an active affair for a year now. It [censored], but I believe it is a good way to show the WAS that you are not the one they need to be running from, and breaking up their negativity that has been building up for some time now.

Take care of yourself. You will need to eat, sleep, and focus on the things in your life that are not in turmoil. Take care of your kids, and put them first in EVERYTHING you do. That includes saving your M.