I think the emotions you express are pretty normal in the situation.

It's not that it's impossible or wrong to forgive him, but until he wants to change, he won't.

So how can you protect you?

Let him figure out his stuff and you work on that whole "lot of self improvement" you need.

Let some time pass, see what happens.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss