on the edge pt 2

[labug]

Hey dingo,
It's been quite a roller-coaster weekend for you. You must be exhausted.

What are your goals? Who do you want to be as a man and a H?

Based on your ultimatum it would seem NC would be the logical next step. How do you feel about that? Do you think you can move from that stance at this point?

Keep working on the patience, you need a lot of it here.

[dingo]

Thanks for the response labug. I do plan to continue NC or at the very least limit the contact to that initiated by her- if I am in a good frame of mind to have contact and not have a negative interaction. Is there any real insight into her frame of mind to be gained from our interaction this morning?

I have recognized the ways I need to improve myself. I actually had a very long talk with my mom over the weekend and learned where a lot of my behaviors come from. I was a pretty willful and at times defiant child and always had to do things my way. I always learned lessons the hard way and it frustrated my parents to no end. As a result, they were pretty overbearing with me and I guess over time, I learned to think that my way was the only right way. I went to a top college in the usa, was an army officer for a number of years and am now a mid - upper level manager at the company I work for. So I am used to being the authority. That is an attitude that was helped by my upbringing. My parents are also very successful and felt like they always had the recipe for success in any aspect of life. That is an attitude I cannot take into a marriage and I believe is the root of most of my personal growth areas.

Even though I think I am doing what is best for us and our marriage, not treating my wife as an equal partner was demeaning, selfish and controlling.

So that is the first thing I want to work on. To be more accepting of other ideas and opinions.

[adinva]

wow!

[melissag]

Dingo, what a crazy weekend. My guess is that this roller coaster is going to continue for a long while, though. But let's say it didn't. If she wanted to come back tomorrow, would you agree? Would that be a good idea? Have you done the work on yourself that you need to do in order to have a successful M?

This part stood out to me:

Feeling pretty good about it all right now. I will be fine either way and she is struggling emotionally as much as I am.

What do you mean by that? I think that most WASs probably struggle with their decision. My H told me several times that he feels like $hit for doing this to me and the kids, stuff along those lines. But so what? If your W is struggling because she is feeling lonely, guilty, confused, ashamed, or any of those other kinds of feelings, do you really want her to come back?

I have been thinking about my H coming back at some point, and I think that, while I would LOVE for him to say he wants to come back tomorrow, it would probably be a bad idea. I want to have a relationship where he and I are each capable of being happy on our own rather than relying on the other to "make" us happy. So that being in each other's lives just adds to that happiness and contentment rather than creating an obligation to provide it. Don't you want your W to be with you because she loves you and WANTS to be with you, rather than NEEDS to be with you? (i.e., can't hack it on her own.)

Don't base how you are doing on how she is doing. Use this time to work on self improvement and GAL.

[labug]

Clarify a couple of things if you will:

As a result, they were pretty overbearing with me and I guess over time, I learned to think that my way was the only right way.

How was their being overbearing related to you thinking your way was the only right way?
and

Even though I think I am doing what is best for us and our marriage, not treating my wife as an equal partner was demeaning, selfish and controlling.

The ultimatum was best for your M but in the past you treated her that way?

Don't read anything into her actions of this morning. Stay away for a couple of weeks, let all the emotion die down, work on you.

You can do this.

[dingo]

In the past, i did not always treat her like an equal partner. I didnt always give ultimatums but if i felt that we should be saving X amount of money per month, thats what we saved. If I felt that we couldn't afford to go on vacation, we didn't. Most of the decisions centered around our finances. I decided what we could spend our savings on. I felt like I was being responsible in managing our resources and never got the impression that she was financially responsible.

[dingo]

Anyway - i need some solid advice this morning.

She called me on the way to work crying again. She misses me so much over the past few days but doesn't know if thats just missing me being around or if 'we are supposed to be together.' She wishes she didn't sign a year lease on the apartment, she wished she did a month to month furnished apartment like I suggested. She thinks she made a mistake and is ready to end the affair. She said as soon as she moved out and was really on her own, she realized that she didn't want the OM anymore.

So I told her we could talk more about it tonight when she comes to get a few things. I think that she needs to stay in her apartment more and really take some time. Not 5 days ago, she was telling me that she could see a future with him more easily than she could with me, that she thought she loved him and that she and I were really just friends. I do not want her to come back too quickly and then after 3 weeks, we're back to that.

I also don't want to push her away if she is in fact sincere. I just think that she needs to feel a little more loss and a little more life without me to make sure that this isnt just a reaction.

She's in a rough spot and has been talking and crying to her father a lot. He's coming out this weekend to spend some time with her and I told her that I would be available if she wanted me to spend some time with them as well. I still didn't get a solid commitment that the affair is over so I have to tread lightly here....

[3boymom]

I think that you need to move slowly. It seems like your W does not know what she wants and is flipping back and forth. The last thing that you want to do it let her back in too easily and then have her leave again. I think you need to ask yourself what you need to see happen if she wants to come back. Does your W need to end all contact with OW? Do you want W to go to MC? I think that if your W just moves back in without both of your working on yourselves, you are going to wind up in this exact same situation next week/month/year. You seem to be doing much better. Just make sure that stay off her roller coaster.

[3boymom]

I think that you need to move slowly. It seems like your W does not know what she wants and is flipping back and forth. The last thing that you want to do it let her back in too easily and then have her leave again. I think you need to ask yourself what you need to see happen if she wants to come back. Does your W need to end all contact with OW? Do you want W to go to MC? I think that if your W just moves back in without both of your working on yourselves, you are going to wind up in this exact same situation next week/month/year. You seem to be doing much better. Just make sure that stay off her roller coaster.

[dingo]

She absolutely has to end all contact with OM and I need to see a real commitment to work on our issues. Not just 'go through the motions' counseling. I have an idea of what I want to see - its the real earnest effort I was looking for all summer when she said we were working on things. I never got it.

Anyway - i do definitely plan to take it slowly. We have this apartment that she can't get out of right away anyhow so I want to take advantage of it. That needs to be her primary place of residence for now. If she can really end all contact, I think we need to approach things in more of a dating mode.

I am doing a lot better. For the first time, I have really internalized that, while I contributed, this is really her issue and not mine.