I live in Southern Maryland and we began seeing flakes at 8:30 this morning. It's beautiful, but it will be gone late this evening because the temps are suppose to rise and turn all of this mess to rain.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today D14 started getting out the Christmas decorations and it's a hodge podge of collected stuff and pillow and throws and santas etc. Always very cozy and eclectic.
Well, H comes over today and comments how lovely and warm it is (he is a white light kind of guy) and then says D must have inherited my sense of decorating. My reply to the warm and lovely was 'I know, isn't it great!!!!"
How easy it is for him to not make me feel good. I know it was unintentional, but the following comment "YOU can decorate anyway you want" felt hurtful, like I wasn't good enough because it wasn't all white lights and pine bows wrapped by Martha Stewart.
How am I still stung by stupid little things like this? I have survived two girlfriends and a whack job MLCer.
I know the whole no one can make you feel bad adage, but what was up with me taking things so harshly?
I did backslide as I looked at him like he was stupid ( I know the look I gib=ve and it is not good.) When I asked if he wanted to cut the tree with D and I ( no commitment, so will proceed without.) and he replied "So you'll get it next weekend and put it up the weekend after'?
I said we always put it up when we get it... and unfortunately gave the look.
But I was out of zen by the time the decorating cracks had been dealt with.
Mantra My house, my decorations It makes me and D feel happy
Emailed H with a few clarifications and the point that his cracks make me feel inadequate and not good enough. I also said that I a sure he didn't mean it that way but it doesn't matter what he said, because that is what I heard.
we will see how this goes. I have made very few about me issues in the past 16 months so it will be interesting.
lmao!! I said I was not looking for an apology or rebuttal on the issue and I didn't get one..lol
I had also said that he does a lot for us and I hate to ask him for anything else. He said if he can't do it he'll tell me otherwise he is happy to do it.
That's all he put.
I saw us sliding back into old patterns tonight, that was the reason for the email. Before I would have let it go. Now it's addressed, in the open and I have a reference when it happens again rather than getting hurt or angry.
I just hoped I explained well enough without any sense of blame.
Actually I just read what I wrote in my previous post and I didn't tell H it didn't matter what he said, but "I know it is not what you meant but it is what I heard"
I think this is a good opportunity for you to look at your own issues.
Why is a white light Martha Stewart Christmas better then a colored lights Griswold Christmas? Why do you wish you were Martha Stewart-like and not who you are?
This is something I needed to figure out as well. But now after 2 yrs of my own recovery I know who I am so so so much more then when I started. I know that I am a colored lights kind of girl now. I used to want to be white lights (like my exH) but now I just am who I am and love it.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
See I never wanted to be the white light girl and was more commenting on why H could still make me feel like that.
It's my own self esteem and issues still. I always think it's going well and bam! Haven't learned the lesson yet cuz here we go.
To a huge extent I am pretty solid, but there are demons that still lurk
I think it was also our pattern of misinterpreted innuendo and non communication, so I am also working on that.
I have to say though, If someone else made the comment it would not bother me in the least.
BTW h emailed back and said the house is lovely (lol) and that being able to control his own little space has allowed him to let go of a lot of things he thought were important but aren't. And also to be true to who he is, as I am being true to my Clark Griswald personality. Woohoo!!!
I'm in the South too, so cool and rainy but pretty mild compared to most places. (I grew up in Minnesota, so I know how spoiled I am now)
So Kate, it seems like you have an issue with being comfortable in your own skin too... you seem to be projecting this idea/feeling that you and your way aren't good enough or as good as some alternative. I think when it comes to something like decorating, it's a very individual thing and subjective... whatever way YOU like and makes you HAPPY should be good enough. It is YOUR space.
I am glad to see your H seems to have realized that when you are the one putting in the work, it's easier to let go of some of those crazy expectations we might put upon someone else when they were filling the role.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
I like to think I am TL, but I know I am a work in progress. Mostly I tend to be fine but am beginning to see the patterns where stuff will bother me (like when I procrastinate things, I feel worse about myself etc etc) And since I am stressed about the work I haven't really done, then it's easier to let it all pile up emotionally, if that makes sense.
I am working on changing those patterns, but that will be a tough one lol.
