on the edge pt 2

[dingo]

So I just got home from my mom's and there was a pretty pleasant surprise when I went in. Before she left yesterday, she took the time to rearrange a few pictures and knickknacks in various places of the house to replace things she took with her. Minus the missing furniture, a couple of the rooms looked pretty nice. Anyway I thought it was a nice gesture and I am trying not to read any more into it than that. I thought about texting her to say thanks but decided against it.

She also told me she has what she needs and is done moving for now but there are still a lot of her things here. We had originally discussed her taking only what she needed but then when things we ree really tense she said she was just going to take everything. I was glad to see that she did not and even left some things that are pretty important to her. Again, a nice small positive.

For me, tonight I am heading to meet a buddy at the gym and then going out for a couple of drinks with some other friends. I think I will sleep at my moms house for one more night just to give myself a little break from our house.

While I am trying not to put too much hope into it, I do feel pretty good about the results of a few days with limited - no contact and (when i got the chance) showing her that I am starting to do things without her.

Still struggling with the Christmas gift question though. Any thoughts? My gut tells me that it's cake eating but I definitely do not want to miss an opportunity.

[melissag]

I don't really see exchanging gifts as cake eating. Why do you? If I recall correctly, it was her idea, and I would just take it as a nice gesture. I would get her something that is personal (shows you know her) but not romantic or over the top, and definitely nothing for her new place!!

[dingo]

I guess it seems like it's not really going dark and it's also 'rewarding ' her while she's still having an affair. Assuming that she will still be in the affair by christmas.

When her mother died back in may, she got some of her jewelry. There was a ring and pendant made from a stone she likes and I remember her saying she wished she had earrings from that stone. So I looked online and a nice pair is 100 bucks or so. That's my idea. Over the top?

[jp787]

Oh- she also said she wanted to exchange Christmas gifts. I told her I would think about it and that we should see where we are in a few weeks. I think it could be a nice chance think do something meaningful for her that the OM couldn't do but could it also be enabling cake eating??

I do not see this as cake eating at all. The earrings are (IMO) a good gift. She will know you listened to her, that will be the gift.

Don't try to beat the OM, just be the best you that you can.

Glad this are going better, keep your seat belt on.

[labug]

I know not everybody reads everyone else's threads but I wanted to share a couple of other mistakes I made in case some others are in the same situation.

Within a few weeks of finding out about the affair, things were still very rocky. My wife was still involved and continued to lie to me. I got a lawyer and filed for D. Then, later in the process, when she told me she wanted a separation and was moving out, I had her served.

At the time I did both of these things, I felt like I was preparing myself to move on and close the chapter. My real motives however were to get my wife to 'wake up'. So in effect, they were pressure. Pressure may work in the short term, and it did for me. My wife stayed around for a few more weeks and then decided she needed to leave again. You do not want pressure to be your spouses motivation to come back.

Also, really take the time to be honest with yourself before you act. You do not have to rush into anything no matter what friends, family or people on these forums tell you. Take your time and evaluate what you really want and decide if that action will help you get there.

In my case, I acted out of emotion. I told myself I wanted to move on but I really didnt. While my wife had said she wanted a divorce in the past, she never once did anything about it other than react to my moves (she spoke to a lawyer after I did; she had her lawyer contact mine- as the law requires- after she was served). The point is that my rushing and my actions have put us closer to a divorce - the last thing I want- than we would otherwise be.

Be honest with yourself and take your time!!

I had to readback because i was confused when I read about the Christmas gifts. I'm glad you posted this above.

About the Christmas gifts, I'm confused. What are your goals now? Is this again acting from emotion or pressuring?

You should be really clear within yourself what your goals are and who you want to be before you do anything?

We all do things we wish we could take back during this journey, we learn from them and it sounds like you learned something but just be careful of over-correcting. Make sense?

[labug]

Sorry about my "not enough coffee yet" poor punctuation post above. Sheesh.

I'm not saying give a gift or not give a gift, but just be sure within yourself that what ever you decide is the best thing for you and you do it with no expectations.

[dingo]

Crazy morning.

She calls and asks if she can stop over to pick up a couple small things. I told her that I wasn't available today and I locked the house. She got all pissed off and accused me of controlling the situation and her access to her things and that I didn't trust her. I just calmly said that I assumed she was done moving on Friday and therefore thought she didn't need regular access anymore. Since she moved out I didn't feel that it was unreasonable. She responds with 'so much for missing you' and hangs up the phone.

I didn't call her back and she called back 10 mins later. I just said that this is tough for both of us and I didn't think either of us was trying to be a jerk, we are just trying to get through it trying best we can. She says 'I was planning on bringing stuff back to the house - that's where my mind is- and you are locking me out.' I said that I would be back at the house later in the afternoon or after the gym tomorrow and she could arrange to come by at either of those times. She started crying and said that she has been questioning everything over the past couple of days. I said again, 'this is a very difficult situation.'

I waited on the phone for a few seconds to see of she had anything else to say but she just kept crying. I told her I would let her know when I was home later if she still wanted to get those things but that I had to go. We said bye and hung up.

I was pretty proud of myself. I am at my moms house which is only 15 mins from my house and in the past, I would have volunteered to run over there to let her in. Especially after she threw her tantrum. I stuck to my guns and told her we could do it at a time that was convenient for both of us. I also didn't get ducked in to being overly comforting to her when she started crying and didn't tell her I missed her back when she told me twice that she had been missing me.

Also I feel validated that not contacting her has worked much better than calling her all the time and asking her stuff. It's apparent that she's having serious second thoughts about her decision to leave.

Stay the course!

[dingo]

Oh and labug. I will think about the Christmas gift a bit. Things seem to change so fast, it probably doesn't do any good to spend a lot of time thinking about it until we get closer to the holiday.

[dingo]

Good day today. Took a lot of positives from the phone call this morning. Nowhere near where I want to be just yet but some of my fears about the state of things were definitely alleviated some.

Bought a new couch, recliner, coffee table and 3 end tables to replace the stuff she took with her. Spent more than I would have preferred but the stuff she took was old and we had discussed getting a new setup after the new year so not a big deal no matter how this ends up. Stuff should get delivered on tuesday.

Now I am back in my house with a nice fire in the wood stove, football on the TV and a cup of tea. Don't want to ruin this feeling so I will blow off texting the wife a time to come get her items until tomorrow. Feeling pretty good about it all right now. I will be fine either way and she is struggling emotionally as much as I am.

[dingo]

Trying to be have ppatience. having a nice night but it's still tough being in the house alone. Trying not to think of what she might be doing or did all weekend.

Trying to settle in. Any thoughts on the happenings of the last few days?