We've been married 8.5 years. We married at 40. His first , my second. I have a daughter who was 9 when we married and is now 17, just starting college.
Soon after marrying, I discovered my husband had been cheating on me before the wedding after . Having drastically changed my own and my daughters life to marry him...I really wanted to believe him when he showed me remorse. The infidelity didn't stop. It consisted of meeting people on line for hookups to texting relationships with old girl friends to strangers. He was a serial cheater. We attended counseling briefly during our third year of marriage. He hated it and it didn't move us forward.
During this time, in fact right after the first discovery the first few months of the marriage...it broke me. I felt unloved and duped. I loved him so much it broke my heart. I reacted by not participating as a financial partner in the marriage.Each time he cheated he blamed me, saying it was because of financial stress. I worked but felt my money was mine and the bills etc were his to deal with. I was angry and disillusioned and often wondered why he married me. I knew he truly loved me and otherwise is actually a good and decent man. I began exposing his infidelities and speaking to his affair partners myself, they didn't usually know he was married. Creating these consequences eventually I believe stopped his cheating.
But other things happened as well. First, I was constantly suspicious. Which degraded me and emasculated him. Next, I continued to not be a financial partner in the marriage even though he told me many times that I needed to change this. Finally, he withdrew sexually and we have not had intimacy in over a year. It had been dwindling and i had reason to believe there was some ED involved. He continued to be affectionate and loving, we did things together and as a family, and travelled extensively and internationally.
Other than his complaints about my not earning more money, I have never had any part in our finances, bills, or decisions. Im not a big spender or shopper, thts more his thing. During the past non intimate years I began drinking more. Not more often, just getting drunk when I did. I also started anti depressants. My husband is a dominant old school kind of man. I can deal with it, he isn't volatile just annoying. But he and my daughter never really bonded and it has been a real problem. She is actually a good kid too.
He is a politician and this past Nov. 5th, lost for the first time. Although it is not his main job, it would have substantially increased our income. The campaign started last April, right after a family trip to Paris. He was completely immersed, as was I. As it went on, he became distant and tense. Like a different person. He was driven and we all knew winning was truly a long shot. He lost.
I had truly been hoping that win or lose after this election we could start to get our relationship back. We had a blow out Nov. 9th and I told him I couldn't go on being roommates. I know that my reference to our sexless marriage offended him as a man. He told me I had ruined him financially and that he was divorcing me. I begged and pleaded. He said he had warned me for years and now it was too late, he doesn't love me anymore.
Since then. I came here right away, read DR , and have implemented the 180 as best I can. I have begun hot yoga, am running , and going to church and praying. These are all new for me and have saved my sanity but so far have had no response from him.
I have fluctuated these past weeks between wishing I could fix everything and wanting to run away from him.
Ive prayed for a path. And saving the marriage is the one I feel is best for both of us. I think it's right. I want to change myself, repair the relationship, and then help him.
He is firm on getting divorced. I am nearly 50, with a daughter entering college, and don't even have a credit card in my own name. He says i can stay as long as a year if i have to. So, I saw an attorney. In going through what financials I could find, I believe he spent much much more of his own money and went into debt on this last campaign.
So, we have all the ingredients here. A MLC, a loss, resentment.
We are living in the same house, I am not home much, and he stays in his den. We sleep in the same bed, backs to each other. Cordial , brief conversations.
