Devastated III

[Dragon Heart]

So, why did you do that? Why did you Google your W? Seriously, I would like to know.

I knew when I posted someone would smack me with a 2x4. I'd like to say I was back sliding, but in truth I just wanted to believe I was somehow still a part of her life.

Now that you have done that and discovered stuff you didn't really want or need to know, what are you going to do with that?

Nothing. There is nothing I can do with that.

This is why snooping and sniffing around is so dangerous. You find out things that may or may not have any meaning. Your mind is going to be moving in circles and you will spin because of this. You have unnecessarily brought pain to yourself. It is those self-inflicted wounds that hurt the most.

I try to "Act As If," especially around her. Some days, I even believe it. I try to detach. Just when I start to get my head on straight, she pulls me back in. I will act mysterious and not respond to emails right away. Then she responds that I am being manipulative or by not responding, that is some kind of response. So then I try to be the friendly neighbor, only to have her ignore me. I no longer know what is the right response. I don't mind telling you that some days I just wonder if I am going crazy.

I can not stress enough how reckless and self-destructive this behavior is.

I know what you are saying is true. My feelings build like a pressure cooker and I know I cannot share them with her. I don't have outlets for my feelings. I reach out to family and friends, but I often cannot reach them when I really need them. I also worry about exhausting my friendships by leaning on them too often. I try to rotate my conversations among friends. Other times, I am just trapped with my despair. The last week has felt like a hand tightening around my heart. I leave work to distance myself, find something to distract myself, and importantly avoid her seeing my struggle. I try to exercise, but my mind races out of control. I try to read, but I stop noticing the words on the page. I try watching TV or movies, but there are just so many unexpected triggers.

Case in point... I have not been on my W's FB since June. Nothing there I want to see or need to see. I do not go to her BF's page for the same reasons. I just blocked some people off my news feed so that what they post will not show any longer. I don't go on my In-laws pages, either. I do not Google my W or her BF. Why? Because there is absolutely nothing positive to be gained by it.

Remember the adage "Ignorance is bliss"? It is true.

Again, I know what you are saying. I wasn't expecting to find anything. It was more like reminiscing. I am taking two weeks to get out of town for some sand, surf, and relaxation. I plan to put my email on vacation and just try to turn everything off. I leave in a little more than a week. I have started busying myself with preparations.

What we are all going through is tough enough without adding fuel to a fire. It is feeding the wrong fire, brother.

Now, let's go get an ice cream... I'm buying.

I wish I could get some crantucket, a cranberry flavored ice cream made locally on Nantucket.