Thank you! You are right! I was still sliding. And you are right about the fact that if he did come back it would all resurface. I have been working on me and I have not been this desperate the whole time. I think I just freaked out after that backslide because it was a reminder of how far I had to go!
I am actually loving the person I have become...and I read books, work on my spirituality, and am a very physically active person.
So, I think I had a bit of a revelation in the last 2 days.
Something different happened and I have had a mental turn around. I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday and this was truly my first time GAL. I know it was work, but I have been out of work for awhile. It has left me with WAY TOO MUCH time on my hands and the ability to think about my SITCH and BF and stew in it constantly. Depressing, for sure.
In just a few short days, I have met TONS of new people. It makes me realize that there are many opportunities to connect with people besides BF. I have been living with my mom in a strange town where I know no one! My mom means well, but truth be told she is a very negative and grumpy lady. Love her, grateful for her, but the house becomes even more depressing because of this. Everyone at work is so nice, the staff are amazing and I have seen a few celebrities, which is always fun and exciting!
Anyway, after I texted him about the party, he didn't answer for hours. When he did I was at work. I couldn't respond for many hours...and when I finally looked at my phone he had texted a few times. He said yes, he would like to come. Of course I was relieved, but I had already started feeling excited about going, with or without him! This has been the pattern now for the last couple of days- he texts me and I am working so I can't answer. When I do, I am really nice, but a bit mysterious but not because I am trying to be. I am simply not worrying about what to say anymore. Gosh, I was being ridiculous! I feel so liberated! Normally, I don't text back right away, but it's more like and hour...which is relatively quick as I see it now! Even just thinking about the way I would text and expect him to text back, then get upset (in my mind) if he didn't answer right away was nuts...
I was trapped in my own mind and I am seriously thanking the Lord for saving me with this job. People keep asking me how it is going and I am proud to say that I LOVE my new job...not necessarily because of the work, but because it has given me a new focus. For the first time since BF and I started having problems, I have gone 8 hours straight without thinking about him! It feels good!
I think it is so interesting how everyone complains about working...even if we love our jobs we don't always want to go. But, if you lose your job, and have a hard time finding another one, it is a VERY, VERY steep climb back up to find your self-respect and esteem. We do not have to be defined by our jobs, but without them we can get stuck. This is for sure what happened to me. Since I have been back to work for 3 days, I am already out of my funk and seeing that when I lost my job and BF and I were still together, he turned away from me. This is a huge revelation (although my friends and family have been telling me for months now!). He didn't do it because he is a bad guy, but he wasn't real supportive and I was pushy, thinking that if he could commit, we would be an ok team and get through it all. Bad combo!! I feel like for the first time I have let go of some guilt I had that I was solely responsible for messing up our relationship.
Anyway, I am good. I am super busy now!! I have a ton of schoolwork to do, and I have to get my kids from their dad's and I have to work! Phew! No time for BF drama now
I have zero expectations for tomorrow night. In fact, he is working and if he runs late I plan on going without him...because it is going to be fun and I don't want to miss it!
I really appreciate your input...this is why I came to these boards...to get snapped back into my reality! Thank you!!!
Me:35 BF:36 Together 4.5 years lived together 2 years moved out 8-13 still "together" but not together. Confused. D11, D13 (from 1st marriage)
