One thing that's come out of the latest spew from XH is his new version of what was wrong with me/our marriage.
During the M he did not mention this. At BD, he did not mention it. A few months after BD, he gave me a birthday card depicting me as Wonderwoman, and celebrating my achievements in caring for our kids on my own.
He would apologise for himself and tell me it was not me but him.
Two years or so later and he is calling me a "disgusting and appalling person".
"Deceptive and manipulative".
Said that my "conscience should plague me for the rest of my life."
And the reason?
I kept him and his children away from his family - specifically from his grandparents.
And they are now dead.
XH's mlc commenced at the death of his paternal grandfather who was like a father to him.
Paternal grandmother passed, after a debilitating and lonely hospice experience 18 months later.
Maternal grandmother passed 6 months after that, and XH was the only family member available that night to sit with her dead body. A week later, he dropped the bomb.
Maternal grandfather died a few months ago and H had a crisis around funeral attendance and neither he nor the kids ended up going.
So, H's anguish now is that there is no going back. He and the kids didn't spend enough time with grandparents and now they are dead.
It was my fault, as i wouldn't let them.
Hard to know what i can say to validate this without accepting that it was my responsibility.
My pov is that I did the best i could in relation to visiting his extended family, but that i have a demanding professional job, 2 kids at school (sport, music, debating, parties, etc) and H ran a 24/7 business that was failing over the whole time period under discussion. If he wasn't manning the phones, he was paying money we didn't have to an employee. To say the least, there wasn't much time for socialising.
And my memory is that I did ask repeatedly to visit grandma in hospice, but XH was unexpectedly reluctant. He said he didn't want the kids to see her in her condition and only wanted to go on his own. He had full possession of our only family car and the way I got around was that he would drop me off anywhere I wanted to go (mainly to work), so i had no ability to visit see her on my own (hospice was a long way away).
What I now know was that he was in full-blown affair with OW at this time and was using 'visiting grandma' as an excuse to see OW. And, as I had no transport, he could be sure that I would never stumble upon him and OW on their daily trysts at various hotels and cafes around town.
Anyway, just interesting to see how he's built up a version of what I did wrong that admits of no recovery.
Grandparents are all dead. There is no possibility of change. I did a vile unconscionable thing to him and to our kids.
Sorry for long post (As if that's news!). Felt like i had to get this down 'on paper', as it were. It's been going round and round in my head.
