The big D is coming

[melissag]

ltd, I'm sorry you find yourself here. But - this is the best place you can be given what you are going through. I hope you received DR today and have a chance to read it at least once - without your W seeing it!!!

This may sound harsh, but if I were you, and your W will agree to continue counseling, I would find a new one. Telling a couple to go have a night out together is NOT COUNSELING. That's what you do when you have a small argument or need to reconnect because things have gotten so busy lately. It is obvious things need to change in this M. Have you considered calling a DB coach? I was hesitant, but I think that my DB coach is worth every last penny I spend on her. I went from sprawled on the floor bawling so loud the cat was afraid of me, sure that my life was completely over and I might as well just be swallowed up by a sinkhole, to feeling positive and hopeful, with a road map of where to go from here. (The book will help you with this as well - the coach is just adding another level to it.)

In the meantime, knowing you have been a crappy H is the first step - so congrats for acknowledging that. This doesn't mean you need to take ALL the blame - there is never one spouse solely responsible for the demise of the M - but that is neither here nor there at this point, just a fact to remember. There is no point in measuring W's blame or focusing on what she did wrong, because YOU are the only one you can change. Think long and hard about the things your W complained about. Consider which ones you want to change for YOU. Not for her. For example, if she says I wish you liked Disney princesses, don't pretend to like Disney Princesses just for her. Only make changes that make you the authentic you.

Read, read, read. I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read the responses on my own thread, but even more so, other people's threads. I have had so many "a ha!" moments reading here. I even keep a list of the advice that really resonates with me.

Keep posting on your own thread and others so you can get off moderation. I know it is frustrating not having your posts appear in real time, but hang in there and it you will be there before you know it.