Sinking into a dark place

[melissag]

AT, so sorry you find yourself here. Your post struck a chord with me, because honestly, it could have been my H writing it. Not all the details are the same, but the sentiment is the same.

I don't know why your W isn't interested in having sex with you. She may not even know. Remember that for (most) women, though, sex is more emotional than physical. If the M is not good, she won't be as interested in having sex. Which, of course, leads you to be unhappy, which leads to the M not being good . . . it's a vicious cycle.

AT, is your W happy? Has she complained about anything that bothers her (aside from the teeth, or the headache, or whatever - that's all just BS reasons, whether she realizes it or not)? I can tell you that in my case - and I realize this in retrospect - I felt that my emotional needs were not getting met, and so I withheld sex. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a good sex life with my H, or that I didn't love him or desire him. I just didn't know how to get there, because it felt like when we had sex his needs were getting met, but mine still weren't. (I don't mean sexual needs, I mean emotional needs.) So there we were, stuck. For a very long time. Each focusing on our own needs, and what the other was doing wrong, and expecting the other to fix it. Guess how well that worked out? It didn't. He left me.

(I don't think I have ever written that before. Ouch.)

I am not sure that right now your W is going to be able to verbalize (or even understand herself) WHY she is not interested in sex. Sometimes it takes a really serious look in the mirror, digging pretty deep and being painfully honest with oneself, to figure this stuff out.

Have you read the SSM book? I have not, but understand it might be helpful. You could also do with reading DR, I think.

Most importantly, you need to let your W know exactly how much this is hurting you. I
I'll be honest . . . she might not get it. I didn't. I didn't get it until my H said enough - I'm outta here. He thought that he had been very clear, but to me, I really didn't understand the seriousness. Do not threaten her, do not beg her, do not make it about the sex itself - explain to her that you need this to feel connected to her. I always got annoyed with my H because I thought he was just in it for the sex part, and that made me feel like I was some sort of hooker or something - like I wasn't good enough if I didn't put out. (I am so embarrassed now that I thought these things.) But now I get it - men AND women need to have intimacy in a M. They just do.

Here on the DB boards, we talk about focusing on YOU, not on your S. Think about her complaints in the M. Really think about them. Don't invalidate her feelings or make up excuses or reasons for them. Think about whether the complaints are true - look at how you act to her. Are you happy with yourself? Are there things about yourself you can change? Maybe try some 180s for things that haven't been going well, and see if that changes the dynamic of your relationship. I think it can really have a profound effect. I would suggest reading SSM and maybe DR too.

One other thing - do NOT feel badly about your desire for more sex in the M. It is a perfectly valid and reasonable need. I think it's fantastic that you are here, trying to do something about this. I think you have found the right place. My H told me once he had been on some boards and the takeaway for him was, "Melissa, I was on some boards that say that if this isn't better than within a year, I will be having an affair or divorcing you." I can tell you those boards did a lot more harm to our M . . . I took it as a threat, which made me back away even more, and I guess H took it as some sort of edict or maybe permission.

I know I am rambling, and I apologize. Make your needs known in the most vulnerable and nonthreatening way you can. But MAKE THEM KNOWN. Do not apologize for it, and let your W know that it is important to you, and how much it hurts you. I don't know if that will help, but it's the first step. Would she consider any kind of counseling? I hate to say it, but the only thing that made the light bulb go off in my head was H telling me he wanted a D. I am not recommending that you do this - because if you threaten and it's not real, it will just make matters worse - I am just telling you that it is possible that your W seriously just doesn't get it. I can tell already she doesn't get it by her response: "I'm not you, quit trying to make me you." That tells me that she is completely discounting your feelings on this subject - no wonder you feel so crappy. But - you can't change her. You can only change you.

Keep posting so you can get off moderation, and I know you will get a lot of help here.