ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[Pudmuddle]

Ambiv, I love reading your posts. They are so raw and so real, you have an insight that is remarkable. I think you are one fine woman.

The red and blue pill is from the movie The Matrix. One you take to be in reality or one you take to stay in the matrix and the fantasy. Hope that helps.

[Ambivalent]

Oh Rock, sorry I missed your question. It is Swing! It really is a great thing to do!

[Ambivalent]

I offered to make chowdah and my daughter came through the snow for it. Yay, she's here and loving her presence.

I'm going to go work out and then eat some chowdaw.

Good day, compared to Fri. and Sat.

Would so like the cycling to stop.

[makingmagic]

Hi Ambiv... I too can relate to what you are feeling. Im just not good at putting my words to it, so reading your words help out. (see?...lol)

Just wanted you to know that I too, look forward to reading your posts.

Thanks, Magic!

[RockJC]

When I met my wife 17 years ago, I was doing a lot of swing. After we got married, she put an end to that. I think she felt threatened by the woman I was hanging out with. At the time, it was probably for the best.

In any event, I went to a ballroom last Wed, found an intructor and signed up for some privates/groups. Time to get back on the horse. I used to love swing dancing. I am really looking forward to starting again.

My first private is tomorrow.

[RockJC]

One last thing, I have been watching the Ben Morris west coast videos on youtube. What I wouldn't give to be able to move like that.

[Ambivalent]

Hi Making, that is nice.

I really wish I wasn't here. Saw a Viagra commercial tonight. My daughter and I used to laugh at the speed talker with the side effects list.

Tonight we watched it and it wasn't funny anymore. It pains me now, I know he is using it and not with me.

It's been five days since we'd last had contact. More and more distance is growing. What I don't like about all this? That if he were a neighbor or friend, I would be more engaged. I can't ask him how he's doing, or what he's been doing. I can't share what my daughter and I are doing. If I see something such as a ten point buck on the side of the road, I can't share my excitement with him. This is heartbreaking.

It is causing a distance I'm not comfortable with. I don't want to be strangers while someone else is getting to know him. It is devastating. I don't like pretending I'm okay with all this, yet if he comes in the house he acts as if he lives here, I feel my privacy in intruded upon.

He doesn't ask to use the bathroom or come in. It feels so unnatural. He IS paying the bills, and mortgage so yes it is his house too. I know it is supposed to be comfortable for him to come here, a refuge or home base; yet I can't just go to where he is staying, let myself in, and make myself at home.

If he is in my area, calls and comes over unexpectedly, I have to hide my books, and my computer, especially if I'm going out or he is going to be somewhere in the house.

I long for my H. I pray for him to heal and forgive. I am so confused as to all the feelings I have right now. I am disgusted with all the lies. Lies of the past, lies he is living, and
lies of omission. I don't like the holidays. I don't like second guessing what to do about sending Christmas presents from us.

I guess it is about how this has disrupted so many of us. Caused such heartache and blown apart our family. How loyalty, and vows seem to conveniently no longer hold any value. This causes me to question so many things and is very disheartening.

I want this to stop, I just want my aching to go away!

Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll go through all the feelings again.

I need to figure out what the next step is, where do I go from here. I feel stuck, and anxious at the same time.

[willbwell]

Hey Ambivalent, today is a new day.

There is a tremendous impact they have on us and our children daily.

But, what is it that you deserve?

I know my h isn't capable of giving that to me right now. I guess what I am having to come to terms with is, was he ever really?

I always knew my h was a bit selfish and I loved him anyway. h was never truly engaged in the family always busy with work, but that was ok to me. I never protested it.

I too feel the same about h when he comes to the house. he still pays bills and mortgage.
he won't hang out here though with kids. he feels uncomfortable. he rarely eats here. It is just sad to me.
that he doesn't feel the gift that home and family are. that I too now can't share little things about the day.

I want and deserve someone in my life that also wants and knows joy and sharing. wish it were h, maybe one day it will be again

Don't set yourself up for feeling bad.
Your happiness and joy come from within

[Ambivalent]

Don't set yourself up for feeling bad.

I'm trying not to do ^ by keeping quiet. No text, calls, and keeping busy. I'm still fairly fresh into all this, and even when I'm busy or @ work, @ school, something will pop into my head. Or I will feel lonely in a crowd.

Happiness does come from within. This I do know, have known; wish HE knew. I really go back and forth on where I am.

He was always money driven, and insecure. The drive and lack of security do come from within, and yet he hasn't addressed them. I guess what I'm wondering is: how is he progressing ?

He is my husband, HE has chosen to include me in saying he's seeing a counselor , so now I'm curious and would love updates.

I don't want to ask, I don't want to push or pry. New day...

Daughter came in my bedroom at 5 this morn. Scared the Hell out of me. She got in bed with me. I've gotten so used to not sharing the bed with another body...DISLIKE.

She is still beside me. Outside looks pretty. Dogs all over the bed, floor, chair.

I've come up with some Christmas gifts...

My youngest loves the chowder I make. So I'm going to make it, pour single servings in bags and freeze them ! This way, for the rest of the Winter she can have it.

For the relatives, I'm going to make gourmet Belgian waffles, us my document shredder to shred tissue paper, and arrange in a gift box.

I still have some of my jellies left.

My oldest is obese, and desperately wants a new bra. So whether H. likes it or not she's getting a g.c.

I may also do some gingerbread mug cookies.

I had already purchased a gift for my B-I-L, and my husband.

I don't know if I should give H. a gift or not.

Job, Thanksgiving went well, should I repeat for Christmas?

We have always done Christmas Eve and Christmas morn. Then I make a wonderful Christmas dinner.

I just can't figure it out, I guess I'm too close to it.

Sun's out, lot's of rays today, hoot!

Lot's to do:

shower
eat
dogs
clean
decorate
gym
eat
DANCE CLASS! I REEEEALLY hope it doesn't get cancelled.

Thanks ladies, WBW, hope you have a better day today than yesterday.

[job]

Ambivalent,
We still have a couple of weeks before the big holiday. I would begin making my plans, but hold off discussing too much w/your h. Why? Because anything can happen in the next couple of weeks.

Everyone loves homemade gifts and I'm sure your youngest will enjoy the chowder on cold evenings. As for the gift card for your h, I would purchase one, but don't give it to him unless he indicates he's got something for you. Why? Because he may feel guilty if you give it to him, considering the fact that he's living separate from you, etc.

I wouldn't make too many plans that include your h this year. You can invite him closer to the time, but he may opt to come over one day and participate in the family gathering, versus coming both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day because he may have other plans.

Keep your expectations at zero at all times when it comes to your h.