ONE DOWN ONE TO GO

[bustingout]

Sounds like a great interview Amb ! Keep going! We are here with you :-)

[job]

Ambivalent,
I'm glad you had fun dancing last night. It does you a world of good.

You are going to have days when you feel like sh@t, so own them and then let the feelings go. If you don't mind me ask, what huge mess do you have to work on in the home? I had the impression that your home was okay.

You have many years left and no, it's the other way around, you got the best years of his life and whatever is left, well...let's just say he's winding down. You are moving forward, dancing, enjoying the company of others, working, going to school, etc. Your glass is still half full, not half empty and only you can make it what you want it to be.

I can understand why you don't feel Christmas this year. I went down that path many years ago. The best advice I can give you is go simple, start new traditions and don't try to do all that you have done in the past. Why? Because you are already stressed out enough and quite frankly...Christmas is over rated commercially. Get back to your roots, change up your traditions and do something different. If you don't feel like putting out a lot of decorations, then don't.

As for gifts, baking is always a nice gift. People enjoy homemade gifts far more than they do store bought gifts. Time to use your imagination and come up w/some great gifts. I know you can do this.

During this season of madness, take time out to pamper yourself and get plenty of rest.

[RockJC]

What kind of dancing?

[Ambivalent]

Will B,

Thanks for sb. As a stay at home mom, I could have many different resumes. You'll figure it out. I gardened,( landscape architect, dried floral arranger, home canning, I sold all my work! )chauffeured, home-schooled ( yes I was an administrator, curriculum advisor, and teacher! ) I volunteered , was a rescue and foster mom of terriers. Interior decorator of the primitive and high country style. I was/am a textile artist ( award winning! ) Sheep and Wool Fest several years in a row. yadda yadda yadda. Furniture refinisher, chef, and baker...you get the idea! Just tailor your gifts and experiences to the job the resume is intended.

Busting, thanks for the pump. You are a year ahead of me, how are you holding up?

Job, the dancing is good for me, at times I feel lonely but found myself smiling a lot at those dancing. The men that go to these are either way too young ( daughter's ages ) or they are 15-20 my senior. I'm feeling stuck. The older gents are sweet and appreciate my vitality and youth, the younger ones are adorable and know I'm safe...NOT a cougar .

_________________________________________________________________

My cycling is faster, I've gone from sad /crying to understanding to anger...one of my new passwords is Fu-k H's name8... VERY easy to remember.

I hate when I cannot control my thoughts, and I also don't like that my favorite holiday is not something I am feeling.

The mess is self inflicted. Cleaning and I tried on a ton of clothes, so I have laundry, floors, dusting. it's gross.

I really want to FEEL motivated...just feeling the depression again. I'm not cut out for this. I'm weak, and a decision maker. I hate feeling stuck, and I hate feeling like the little woman waiting for her h to come home. I'm irritated and restless. I was never the kind of girl who'd have to have a guy in her life, but after 33 years, I am feeling SO used up.

I want to get out of town, not answer a phone, be completely unavailable AND be happy. I'm happy I'm alive after the wreck, but that is starting to fade.
I want to be touched, held, appreciated and respected. I don't need those things I want those things.

I go back and forth from feeling such a powerful hate to contempt to pity and revulsion. I see him very clearly, and see what I put up with for so long. How it caused me to detach when we were together.

I really thought no one could ever hurt me again. That I had not let him all the way in, so if this ever happened I wouldn't feel this pain.

You see, when my dad did what he did ( cheated on my mom ) I lost all trust in men. I've always had in the back of my mind that men do this, they cheat, they lie, and they leave. I remember walking down the isle, sobbing. I was terrified to get married.

Everyone thought I was emotional about loving my h. and marrying. I wasn't I was terrified that I'd be devastated like my mom.

Then my father would say such things as " Find a husband for your mother " or " She should get married so I don't have to pay alimony." It was horribly insensitive and narcissistic. It also showed me how someone may think of me someday.

My parent's divorce was traumatizing, and now I'm feeling it again.

We were a dysfunctional family before it was fun. I flinched until the age of 30, for being back handed so often. I wasn't allowed to debate or have my anger or tears accepted. I was not loved unconditionally.

I felt alone because I was not like my siblings and I was nothing like my parents. My home was not a place where I could act out, it was VERY stressful. I had a lot of fear and rejection.

My H. and I both stuffed a lot inside rather than discuss. We rarely fought, if we did it would get heated. He can be very patient but then he can also be a bully. I can be patient and also get angry. I chose to fight fair, in the now. He would keep tally or punish.

What a f'ing mess.

What is so weird? There is something in me that says it really isn't over. Like we both know it, but that he has to get this out of his system.

It's almost like we're both trying to teach each other. He, what he wants in a partner, me patience and someone available.

He has needs and so do I. He knows he is going through changes, he spoke about it in the beginning. He was concerned I wouldn't like who he will become. That " ...after all that we go through, I'll hate him..."
It was almost as if he was saying I have to sow some wild oats.

I remember as I approached my 40th birthday , that I was feeling really good. Not at all like I was old. I got a recumbent and was looking good.

Then wham! Our world fell apart. He was downsized, we had to sell the house of 15 years, my oldest needed SERIOUS help...

He sought comfort with a prostitute, I forgave him, but never forgot. I stood by him never brought her up. I stayed with him when he wanted to be an entrepreneur. I wanted him to give it a shot so that he would never resent me. If he had to try, then he should try.

He chose to go back to corporate. I am disappointed in his choice to leave and not stay and fight. I am angry that I did, and fought for the future. I kept hearing a voice inside that said ...when the kids are older we will renew and refresh.

I hate seeing what I see. That ..."for worse.." there is no commitment, and "...for better..." was not worth fighting the challenges and returning. I don't like seeing that when he can't cope he runs ,metaphorically AND actually. I dislike seeing his weakness while loving him in spite of it, yet I'm not worthy of the same from him.

YES I KNOW he's in MLC, but I have these feelings! It is not okay to revert to a child, or to desert your wife. It is not okay to think about "our" relationship and make a decision unilaterally.
It is not okay to lie so often to someone, to accept their trust and then abuse it. Whether it be a lie of omission, to save face, to protect someone's feelings, or to make yourself look acceptable socially. It isn't okay to share with your friends what one should be sharing with their partner.


We are human and such is the human condition. We are a complicated bundle of pride, ego, empathy, pain, need, desire, self preservation, love, hate and everything in between. We come with baggage and we deliver baggage.

Done

[Ambivalent]

No school today, we've got SNOW!

I've got snow yes I do.
I've got snow how 'bout you?

[job]

You might want to turn on the weather report for your area. It's going to be messy today and then in my area, change over to all rain late tonight.

[willbwell]

ambivalent,
I read your posts and think man, this is me. I just can't get the words out.
what you share is genuine and raw and thank you for that. It helps me see/recognize those same feelings in me that I can't give voice to. That tremendous sadness at h's weakness, my weakness too.
I especially like your new password!

As I have shared, I have a child with cp. She is cognately about 5. Before becoming a part of this'disability' world, I had no idea the volume of people and conditions out there. We were very lucky in d's early days to be at John's Hopkins Hospital. As luck would have it we moved to MD when she was 5months old. What an eye opener Hopkins was!! But, it is all ok. d15 is a gift, is a blessing. has taught me(and her brothers) so much that we would have not known otherwise.

Before entering this crazy world of MLC, I had no idea the volumes of us out there. Do I want to be part of this group? no way, but I find myself here. surely, something good will ultimately have to come out of this. I am a year in, and I have not died yet! I have managed to get up and get a move on everyday. I have for the most part behaved well!
I am ready to say goodbye to 2013. its not been a very good year really anyway. I still remain hopeful and optimistic to what a new year can bring!
take care ambivalent. We do have our moments. But you sound like an incredible strong woman to me. Thank you for always sharing your journey

[Ambivalent]

As I have shared, I have a child with cp. She is cognately about 5. Before becoming a part of this'disability' world, I had no idea the volume of people and conditions out there. We were very lucky in d's early days to be at John's Hopkins Hospital. As luck would have it we moved to MD when she was 5months old. What an eye opener Hopkins was!! But, it is all ok. d15 is a gift, is a blessing. has taught me(and her brothers) so much that we would have not known otherwise.

Thanks WBW,

Yeah, I've been through a ton of crap. My oldest is/was special needs. Hers were inside and made it more difficult for people to understand. She was a beautiful perfect specimen of a child on the exterior. Think Shirley Temple and Christi Brinkley in one package.
I worked my ass off for that one. Researched out the wazoo and back again. Gave my whole self, and almost lost my other daughter due to it.
I saw what it was doing to #2 and quickly corrected.
Would I change things, some . But mostly the experience taught me more and gave me an insight I would never had learned.

I can still feel the pain of hearing her assessment when in second grade. It was like a death. Knowing she would never find herself until later in life. The painful road she'd have to travel, just because she was born with these issues.

Our marriage has always been stressful, and I was truly hoping that I could share the empty nesting days with my H. That we would reconnect and be richer for it.
Who knows may happen, I'm just observing and plugging along.

We all have weaknesses and strengths. We have to put on our big girl panties when all we want to do is curl up in a fetal position. Wouldn't it be nice to have a mommy right now, give us our lovey, make some cocoa and get a big warm hug?

NOT GONNA HAPPEN

So I guess we've got to mommy ourselves!

Today is a bit better, I LOVE snow and it is making me want to do Christmas ! This is a good sign.

Now enough about me...let's talk about me...NO just being silly.

ALL POINTS BULLETIN

BEEP BEEP BUHBEEP !


Indigo needs some upside the head and some loving. Equal parts. I've already smacked him...some love may be needed...

He thinks because wife SAID she's not coming back, that it is final...

Okay all you vets...your turn!

[Ambivalent]

21/2 pounds this week. YAHOO!

So would someone tell me the whole blue pill red pill thing?

When I think blue pill, I think Viagra and machismo.

What the heck is the red pill?

[BrightFuture]

Ambiv, I like your approach to the Resume for SAHMs! I need to send your ideas to my GF who keeps complaining that she’s been out work for so long that she has no skills required to find a job.

You expressed lots of feelings that resonate with me. I’m like WBW, I cannot express my feelings sometimes the way I want. It helps a lot to read other posts. Your thread is one of those that I read regularly. I can see how you are growing every day.